Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-23-2014, 04:13 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default What's reasonable for me to expect?

I was about to reply in the "What should I expect my partner to share about me to others" thread, but didn't want to hijack the thread.

Let me start by saying that I understand that telling someone you have a primary they will be secondary to is a severe party pooper. My girl goes on dates with other guys and pretty much keeps it casual (with sex and no real strings) with them, but has always said she's truly polyamorous, in that she could very well develop love feelings for someone else besides me, though that would never mean I would be replaced. She tells me she loves me and that she's attracted to me and that I'm very, very, very special to her. I don't expect her to say anything to new guys at first except that she dates around and isn't exclusive.

So...

She's started texting a guy who lives out of town. After getting her interested in him, he revealed that he's got a primary, but they have a poly relationship and have been looking for another female. Not just sexually but semi-relationship-wise too. She told him the same thing she's told me...that she's not a relationship person, though she could be convinced to have sex with the female of the relationship alone, despite the girl not being her type. (As in no threesomes. She has a no threesomes rule. Of course, even though she's strict about that, part of me says that there is always a possibility once things got going it would be a slippery slope.)

Getting back to the subject of this thread, so far, all she's said is that she's poly in general and hasn't spoken of me in specific. Mind you, they've been texting for at least 2 weeks and maybe even a month. Again, casual flirty, sexy stuff. Meanwhile she calls me Papa and I call her Babygirl. She technically lives at home with her parents, but she sleeps over at my house for 2 or 3 weeks at at time and has for 3 or 4 months. I buy her groceries, buy her pretty clothes, pay for our dates and we've gotten 4 pets together. (I'm not trying to buy her love. And she'd always tell me I don't have to buy her anything ever. That's my choice.)

She knows I know the guy's name. (We kind of "bro out" about her texts sometimes. She told me at first she wasn't interested but then he told her he has a Prince Albert and that his cock is 6 inches in circumference (mine's no slouch but that is, if true, I'd be kind of curious to try it too.)...so she got curious and the texting got more intense.)

I'm thinking of asking "So what's this guy all about?" and transitioning into "What have you told him about your dating situation? Have you told him just that you're poly or that you have a steady companion?"


Is that asking too much? I feel like he has explained his situation in detail, but she hasn't done the same. I'm pretty sure she's only just told him that she's poly...and not that she has someone serious and regular like me.

I know that might be just so he doesn't lose interest, but I feel like the depth of our companionship deserves some discussion with the dude.

As the guy and his woman live 3 hours away and she couldn't bear to move away from her family, I don't really see this becoming more than the guy and maybe later the girl coming up for "dates", but you never know.

What's reasonable for me to expect?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-24-2014, 01:20 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

Any help or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-24-2014, 02:07 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Why not just tell her that you're uncomfortable with her not being specific about her existing commitments and ask her why she prefers to operate in that way?

.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-24-2014, 02:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,954
Default

Quote:
I'm thinking of asking "So what's this guy all about?" and transitioning into "What have you told him about your dating situation? Have you told him just that you're poly or that you have a steady companion?"
You want to know and get a need met. You could ASK for her willingness.

You could state your preference that people be told you exist up front. You can state your need to be known by all players in an honest polyship and ask if she's willing to meet the need. HOW you tell her this is up to you. Maybe something like...
"I need to be known by all participants in an honest polyship -- that I am here in this network if they choose to participate in it. I would like to know if you could be willing to tell your potentials about your full dating picture -- much like Dude has done for you. He's told you about his network so you can know before you choose to participate in it.

You have been up front with him about not wanting threesomes, so I see that you can be up front about some things. When I see you not being up front about our relationship to your other dating partners yet, I start to think you might skip it. That makes me uncomfortable.

Could you be willing to tell Dude about me being in your network you so Dude can be fully informed before agreeing to date you and I can have my need to be known by all participants met before I gain a new metamour in my network?

Could you be willing to tell me when you would be doing this so I can be free of worrisome thoughts? "
She's either willing to meet your needs or not.

If she's in the habit of not being willing to meet your needs? You could re-assess if you still find the return on your investment in this relationship worthwhile to you or not. If you enjoy a one-sided dynamic or not. If you get off on that dynamic, great! If not, stop participating in it. It really is that simple.

Quote:
Let me start by saying that I understand that telling someone you have a primary they will be secondary to is a severe party pooper.
If that is the model you guys practice at this time, it is fair and reasonable to tell potential dating partners this is the model you practice at this time. And ask if they are willing to date and participate in that model. Then they can choose to participate or not from a place of fully informed.

"I like you and would like us to date. I need to make you aware that I have another partner. We practice the "primary-secondary" open model relationship style. I am not seeking a primary, but I am seeking a secondary. Is this something you could be willing to participate in if we agree to date each other?"
is respectful enough.

You are not TELLING them they HAVE to be secondary. You are ASKING them to consider their willingness to participate in such a model. Maybe they like that model at this time, maybe they don't. If they are willing, great! If they are not willing, fair enough. THEY are in charge of their own "willing and able" and what they choose to participate in. Thank them for their consideration and part ways.

That it does not line up could be disappointing for all parties, but it doesn't have to be "a severe party pooper" to anyone. You could expect self and others to be able to handle small life disappointments appropriately without having a cow.

It's a bummer, but not every dating partner is destined to be compatible or a long haul runner! That's what the dating process is for. To find compatible people whose company you enjoy that want the same/similar things as you.

The sooner y'all sort that out, the sooner it can move on to
  • celebrate that it lines up here and allow the relationship to unfold further.
  • part ways amicably because it isn't a runner here, and return to dating search rather than invest more time in a thing that won't fly

You could expect yourself to be up front about what you seek in your dating life and what model you currently practice.

You could ASK if you can expect your partner to be up front about what she seeks in her dating life and what model she currently practices.

You could expect Potentials to determine what models they want to participate in or not for themselves from a place of full information.

If it isn't a runner, you could expect everyone to handle small disappointments in Life without having a cow. This is grown ups dating grown ups.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-24-2014 at 04:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-24-2014, 04:23 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 986
Default

I would wonder why I was some dirty secret.

Do I share every dirty detail of my relationships with other partners no BUT I am honest about who they are to me. Murf knew I had a husband from the moment he asked me to perhaps start a relationship .

Yeah she may pay you lip service that you do not need to buy her xy and z. But cut back on the shopping, going out, and have her go home more often and see what happens. If she means what she says then she will be there no matter what. Honestly I think you are her sugar daddy. Nothing wrong with that mind you if you enjoy that dynamic.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-27-2014, 07:02 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

update:

we had a discussion about her explaining our situation with the text guy. At first she asked why that might be necessary, but when I explained that if our relationship had value then it didn't need to be hidden...and that it would be best for all involved to know what was going on on all levels, she got it immediately and said that she absolutely would. She may have even said that she had been planning to anyway.

Honestly, their texting ebbs and flows. He's from out of town and while they've said they might meet in about a month, he's starting to sound kind of cheesy. Who knows.

The next question becomes, "When do I ask if she has followed through with telling him about us?" Sometime before they meet? At their first meeting? Sometime very soon?

Thoughts?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-28-2014, 01:24 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,200
Default

I say, checking up on her would be rather icky and paternalistic. You are trying too hard to manage her other relationships, which are not yours to manage. You can state your preferences, but it is totally up to her how and when she tells anyone else about you. Just worry about your relationship with her and stop worrying about how she manages the dynamics she has between her and anyone else. You're coming off like you are trying to steer or exert some control over this aspect of her life and, beyond any safer sex practices, how she conducts her other relationships is really none of your business.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-28-2014, 02:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,954
Default

Quote:
when I explained that if our relationship had value then it didn't need to be hidden...and that it would be best for all involved to know what was going on on all levels, she got it immediately and said that she absolutely would. She may have even said that she had been planning to anyway.
I'm surprised you didn't tell her your preference when you asked the above. Like "Ok, cool. Could you be willing to let me know when you do that?" or "Alright. When do you expect to do that? Could you let me know when you do?" And then just let her own it and let it go. Wait to see if she delivers within the expected time frame or not.

Since you didn't, could do a follow up " Hey, I forgot... could you be willing to let me know when you do that?" and then let her own it and let it go.

But get to where you let it go and let her own her side of it. Stop with the back and forth thing.

I get that you guys have a Daddy/babygirl d/s thing going. I get that she's 20 to your 42. But she's not actually a child. Or if she IS behaving like a mess about her dating life, and it isn't fun for you to deal with because her behavior puts your mental or emotional health at risks -- maybe you could think about not dealing with that any more? Either the d/s dynamic or the relationship in general?

Like I said before -- she either meets your needs or not. If you state your needs and she doesn't meet your needs? Esp for peace of mind while dating her? Could consider not dating her so you can enjoy better peace of mind.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-28-2014 at 04:49 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-28-2014, 04:01 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 526
Default

My feeling is that when X won't tell others what their real relationship is with Y, that tells Y a great deal about their relationship (X and Y's). Who would want to be 'in a relationship with' a person who wants to hide who they really are?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-28-2014, 04:30 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I say, checking up on her would be rather icky and paternalistic. You are trying too hard to manage her other relationships, which are not yours to manage. You can state your preferences, but it is totally up to her how and when she tells anyone else about you. Just worry about your relationship with her and stop worrying about how she manages the dynamics she has between her and anyone else. You're coming off like you are trying to steer or exert some control over this aspect of her life and, beyond any safer sex practices, how she conducts her other relationships is really none of your business.
Word
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:19 AM.