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  #1  
Old 01-23-2014, 11:42 AM
UnderARock UnderARock is offline
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Default Unknowing entry to the poly world

I have been feeling lost for a while. And here's why.

I hadn't been in a relationship for the first 23 years of my life. Honestly I had no hope I would be able to arouse anyone's interest in me. I have been vary of love for most of my life because my parents didn't have it work out and both have suffered what life brings alone.

Last summer, through work, I met a guy online who soon admitted he wanted to take care of me and that he loved me. We worked on the same project online and talked daily. As I was still in college, during the summer break we would spend days chatting on camera, working or playing games online. I, who had no trust in finding love in my life, fell for him completely.

Around June he told me he lives with another woman and that he wont allow jealousy or demands about making her leave. He didn't specify his relationship with said woman. I just assumed it was a co-worker and close friend/sister like entity. Because in my mind He wouldn't look for me if he wasn't single.
By august he had convinced me to go see him. It was a 21+ hour flight. Meeting him was like a whirlwind. I was happy, nervous and shaky and just floating in air most of the time. We stayed in a rented house for a few days and visited Disney. I'm ashamed to admit I was intimate with him after the first few days being by his side. Thinking back things went way too fast.

Anyway. He then admitted he had just had a child with the woman living with him. She and he had given the kid up for adoption just a month before I came to visit him. I was brokenhearted but still believed things were over with the woman. I held on to the feeling of being in love with him and forgave him for keeping it a secret from me.

We went to his home and I met her. It soon became obvious what sort of relationship they really had. And eventually he told me about being married too.

I felt I had been naive or just unable to see and understand the signs from things he had said when I was still talking to him online. I stayed with him for 4 months, trying to understand if the relationship I had with him could work with another woman in the picture.

I was happy for a lot of the days I spent there. I took care of the house, helped decide on food and made food with him. He gave me everything I needed to continue my online work, got me a pet fish (the most adorable white Koi with a red dot on the forehead). But I kept feeling upset when I was left to clean or work and they went to play. I had a hard time looking at him when he returned from the back room with sweat still beading on his forehead. I tried my best to look composed.
The wife was constantly upset and emotional (Blaming the post pregnancy hormones). I tried my best to be friendly to her and take care of her. Because I didn't want to be told to leave the man I had fallen for without knowing his baggage. She had health issues often. Couldn't stand for long, couldn't sit for long. I took it upon myself to try lighten the load on her shoulders as much as I could.

I was on the other side of the planet with my family all in my home country and on opposite time schedules. I couldn't talk to anyone about the sort of family I had fallen into. I got quite lonely. By the second week of December I had such homesickness we got into an argument and he left me alone for the first night. In the morning I could hear him talk to his wife and joke around like nothing was wrong. I asked to be allowed to go home once I had enough money but he bought a ticket leaving in a day. It was a huge emotional mess that could have been avoided. The flight back was miserable. Time away from him is miserable.

But I cant decide what I should do. Currently, I do not like the wife. She always seemed cold and distant. Very unmotivated to do anything as a family. Always saying things like "if you wish" with a dull face instead of saying what she really meant. I have begun to blame them for letting me get so involved with them before I was told about their relationship.

I am an emotional mess. I love him. I miss him and being with him.
But am I making a right choice to let this continue when I currently can't agree with a poly relationship? I've tried being open minded. But I'm afraid to let this continue.

I cant promise I'll like the wife eventually. I cant promise I'd be comfortable having his children while she has his children at the same time. Yes, I've heard of the "support system" but my experience is that it was I who was supporting and getting no visible effort in return.

I'm not mean enough to demand he left her. I know my place and wont ask for anything. But I don't want him out of my life quite yet. I don't want to give up on a chance of having love in my life, but is it right to do so on account of my own personal preferences? It's not like I can give him x years and then decide it wasn't meant for me after all. Even though it hurts to be apart from him, I don't want a relationship where I feel it's going to end if I don't sacrifice my beliefs and mold myself to be someone else.
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I've still got one year of college to finish. I took a leave for his sake. I feel like I should finish school and let things cool down and see if after a year he still wants me to be with him.

But is it too cruel to want to do that? When I can't even promise I'll be ok with being the second wife.
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2014, 12:03 PM
london london is offline
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Never feel ashamed for wanting or having sex with someone in the way you did. You did nothing wrong.

Ease up on the wife. She just gave up a baby and her husband moved another woman in who is from a different continent, has nowhere else to go and was oblivious to everything.

Dump the guy. He doesn't care about either of you.
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  #3  
Old 01-23-2014, 12:07 PM
UnderARock UnderARock is offline
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Apparently she was the one who started him on the poly lifestyle. And she apparently encouraged him to keep talking to me. It was actually her who i met (online) first (I was scouted for work by her...Even though she pretended to be a guy at work =/ )
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  #4  
Old 01-23-2014, 12:15 PM
london london is offline
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Her head is probably a mess right now. Don't try to find logic in them. It's the guy who is a waste of time.. I would tell him that myself.
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  #5  
Old 01-23-2014, 12:19 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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You are asking yourself all the right questions. While I know your heart wants to be with him, your intuition and logic are telling you it's a bad idea. His behavior shows that your logic and intuition are correct.

I know it's hard to hear, but this man is selfish. He lied - by omission - about his true circumstances, and it appears to me that while he tricked you into a poly relationship, he forced it upon his wife. How resentful she must have felt. And what kind of a person brings home a new woman a mere month after his wife delivered and given up a baby.

Get your education.

You will find the new love you deserve.

PS: I second London - no need to feel ashamed about sexual desire and sex. You desired him and you acted upon the desire. You didn't do anything wrong.
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  #6  
Old 01-23-2014, 01:11 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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These people sound manipulative and exploitative. You were not given the CHOICE to decide if it was a situation you wanted involvement in. "I have a sexual and emotional relationship with the woman I live with, and we are going through some personal stuff right now," should have been stated clearly up front. Instead, he waited until you were emotionally invested, intimate, and in his home with him to make this clear. Then, he's having sex with his live-in right in front of you, knowing you're not comfortable with the situation? I mean, how could you be comfortable? You had no idea this was going on before you showed up, and you hardly had time to wrap your brain around it before being sucked into the center of it.

And you say the wife pretended to be a guy at work and engaged with you online, then pointed you out to the guy? Again, deceptive, manipulative, possibly psychopathic behavior. I understand that when you went to visit, she just had a baby (given up for adoption) and there's probably a lot going on with her emotionally right now, but that's all the more reason they should not have been trying to bring a new person into their situation until she is all sorted out, and certainly not an unaware/unwilling one.

Everybody wants to find love, but love means respect, caring, compassion, and it doesn't sound like this man is giving you much of that. My honest response is stay away from these soul-suckers. At the very least, take a good long time away without speaking to him or her, and really think about what just happened to you. Is that really the life you want? Do you really want to put your heart into the hands of this man?
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  #7  
Old 01-23-2014, 06:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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He is NOT your last chance for love! Don't even think that. I believe you are better off without him and far away from that situation. You were deceived, then used, and quickly discarded when you were having a rough time. You deserve better treatment. Severing all ties with them would be a very smart, and healing, thing to do.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #8  
Old 01-23-2014, 08:39 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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1) You're 23. Seriously. You'll find other loves.

2) There are healthy ways to practice relationships that don't involve tricking someone into a deeper attachment. Especially things like, Oh, I gave up a child for adoption with the woman I'm moving you in with...and did I mention I'm married? There may not be a RIGHT way, but that's pretty clearly a WRONG way.

3) Why are you miserable being away from him? Perhaps you're just lonely and miss affection and having someone (most people do), but you can get that satisfied from someone else. Trust us.
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  #9  
Old 01-23-2014, 09:03 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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This jerk lied to you every step of the way. His behavior is appalling.

Keep in mind that what you've seen so far has been his BEST behavior, his reeling you in, 'honeymoon' behavior. If you stay, it's NOT going to get better.

Get out of this as fast as you can. Do not waste your energy 'loving' someone who treats you so badly! You're worth more than that.
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  #10  
Old 01-23-2014, 11:08 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Others have pointed out the obvious. You - as you are right now - deserve so much better than to be taken advantage of.

They lied to you repeatedly and constantly. That will not change. As WhatHappened pointed out - this is what they do when they are their BEST behavior. Don't find out what they are capable of when they don't want anything from you. End all contact immediately. You owe them nothing.

This is not love. This is taking advantage of someone who lacks the experience to know better. Now lacking experience does not make one stupid. After all, experience is how to get better judgment. You now have the experience and wisdom to do better. Trust in that.

And the statement that you cannot imagine anyone ever being interested in you breaks my heart. That also is a lie. It is not true. You are unique. You have much to offer the right person (or persons given this is a poly board). Your brain and feelings are lying to you. Please reach out to a therapist or friends (or both ideally) and address these assumptions.

Until you have a more solid sense of self-worth, unfortunately, you will likely attract predators. I do not mean that you will attract ONLY predators. But predators look for people who do not value themselves highly, may not have much experience with relationships, who are isolated and lonely, who do not have many close friends or are not connected to family. (I mention these because they tend to be common among people who become victims of predators. Only you can know if these fit you or not.) Why? Because those conditions make it easier for you to believe them.

But these conditions are not life sentences. They can be changed and you can do the changing.

One final thought. Did you pay for the plane ticket? The rented house? Are the couple financially stable, if only modestly? If so, I believe there was no pregnancy and no adoption. Predators often go for the big lie because normal sane people would never make up a lie so outrageous and so tend to believe them. I've fallen for this myself and this situation stinks to me of the big lie. Married people who have some financial means tend not to adopt out children. Could it happen? Yes but it is so unlikely, especially if they paid for your travel. The timing is perfect so you would feel sympathy for the equally disturbed wife. Who may be a victim too but reads to me like a co-conspirator.

Don't give them a year. Don't give them any more time at all. Run away from this dangerous situation.
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