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Old 01-22-2014, 03:58 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Location: Crazytown USA
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Well when I leave the house I say when I will back. So say you leave at noon, and plan on coming back at 2 pm. That gives him a couple hours alone in the house and maybe You can see a movie or something? He knows when You'll be back so he can have her leave before hand?
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Old 01-22-2014, 04:22 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Location: Upstate NY
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My boyfriend's wife works from home and they have a teenage son at home as well, so their place isn't an option because at any point there will be potentially 1-6 RoTC kids in the home. That usually means that he comes here and my husband either stays in his office or goes out. My husband's girlfriend and her husband have an agreement about no sex in their shared bed, so if they want to have sex in a bed instead of an uncomfortable futon in her livingroom, they come here. Usually it's been when I've had other plans, but the last time, they asked me to get our son out of the house. I had no problem with it, only they went out for lunch after and we beat them home.

It does make it easier to know about it before hand or to coordinate our schedules so that they know when I already have other plans or vice versa. With my boyfriend and husband it's a bit tougher, because they work together and we carpool home. So generally we either have to drop my husband off some place and pick him up after OR he brings us back to the house and comes back later, either way it hasn't worked out as well as planned. To me that feels more like I'm putting him out than if his girlfriend drives over here and I take the car to go out. I miss the days when my boyfriend had a car or was at least coming over every other week for game nights, but he's been laid up for 5 weeks after and industrial accident at work and I'm laid up following surgery, so if I want to see him we're having to put out at least 2 other people, which doesn't feel fair.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 01-22-2014 at 04:37 PM.
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Old 01-22-2014, 05:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,390

Originally Posted by lyrias9 View Post

@Magdlyn: We live in a fairly smallish flat so there's no real way to go off on your own. I do have some FWB's and I have had them over, but that was when I was the only one living here. Since he's moved in we've both been automatically going to other people's homes. This is the first time that's not an option...

...my issues lie more with the fact that a) I haven't met her b) I have to leave as opposed to him having someone over when I was going to be out anyway and c) how crappy I felt about the way he presented it to me. The upside of this is that it's circumstantial and we can address those issues in the future so that I'm more comfortable. The downside is that I've said ok to him because I don't feel like I have many options, but I'm still not comfortable with this specific encounter. Now it's just about working through the feelings I guess and then dealing with it properly next time.
I hope you can work it out, since your flat is small and this could be on-going issue. Do you feel you'd suffer jealousy or other bad feelings if they were having sex in one room while you were in another? Or does your bf feel shy to sex someone else while you are home? Or both? Or neither?

In my case, before getting this house, my gf and I were often at her or my "flat" (apartment) while I was having a bf or playpartner over. My gf doesnt suffer jealousy. She would sometimes get turned on by hearing my sounds. I would always go to her after the guy left or fell asleep (if he was spending the night) and sex her up if she needed it, or just cuddle her and tuck her in if I was going to the other room to sleep with my bf. If we slept apart, I'd also make sure to give her focused attention in the morning too.

That is what worked for us. YMMV. Some people don't want to have sex with one partner right after being with someone else, or the other partner wants space around it too. Luckily I like "double dipping," and my gf is also fine to have sex with me when I am still "glowing" from another partner's attentions.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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Old 01-22-2014, 10:48 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Move at the slowest pace.

I think it's paramount that you are comfortable, especially during a first encounter such as this one. You need time to get to the root of your feelings, and I would caution you against pushing through discomfort. Your boundary is there for a reason. What do you think would help make you feel more comfortable about this encounter? Do you think that you would like to be there? Meet her? Have them stay elsewhere? Is there anything that you can think of that might be an easy solution for you?

Having things move at a pace that's comfortable for you should be important to everyone involved. Sounds like more communication needs to happen, and that a compromise of some kind needs to be reached. Hugs.
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Old 01-25-2014, 10:15 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,856

As you can see from the varied responses - everyone is different.

For me, I don't like having "strangers" in my house at all - and I certainly wouldn't respond well to being asked to leave my own home (for ANY reason - not just this one).

That being said, once I am comfortable with someone being at my house at all, there are very few restrictions on who has sex with whom where. (The exception is that you can't have sex in the bed - we only have one - if someone else is using it for ACTUAL SLEEPING).

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:55 PM
gratefulgrace gratefulgrace is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1
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I have to say your doing better than my bf's wife. Last night finished reading Redefining our Relationship, great chapter on jealousy. We all struggle with issues but as you said he would 'happily' do the same for you. It's all about happiness so I find always good to go spend his money on me when he's occupied! Then just have to show him the purchase and he always reminds me that I am deeply loved!
I find what also helps me often is the thought of how great he makes me feel. If he makes someone else feel that great why wouldn't you want that other person to experience that joy he gives to you! If the world could learn to love, it would be a much better place! Good luck to you dear I hope all works out for you, I understand your plight, best to y'all...
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