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  #11  
Old 01-26-2014, 10:07 AM
Inthedark Inthedark is offline
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Default Love and Safety

So over the past week I have been thinking about the advice that has been given to me in this forum. I've done several hours of research into emotional abuse. I find that all of the indicators are there. Problem is, I can't convince myself that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion. In seeking professional help, I've found that the behavioral health providers here where I'm deployed are actually a little to close for me to be comfortable with. I am a medic and all the medical folks kind of work together. Im not ready to let someone who sees me as a collegue into that part of my life.
That said, things are going very well with my special friend. After much thought, I've decided that I really like the pace at which things are moving. It is very similar in my mind to old fashoned courting. I help her with her college classes, I escort her places that she needs to go, I share some meals with her, and I walk her home after dinner. We usually spend several minutes after this walk chatting and then we say our good-nights. The other night I was fortunate enough to be able to touch her hand. It sent shock waves through my body! It seems to be a slow and sweet, old fashoned romance and I'm really digging it.
Thanks to all for the advice and as I determine my course of action, I will keep everyone posted.
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  #12  
Old 01-26-2014, 02:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Problem is, I can't convince myself that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion

That's ok to be. This stuff is ok to think/feel at this time.

You could remind self that you are not an objective observer either. You are IN it. Could remind yourself you don't have to convince you instantly. It is a PROCESS. You are IN a process. But please keep seeking a professional to help you sort and support you in your process.

I can understand not wanting to be "too close" -- which is why I suggested to try military channels first, or if you prefer, seek civilian assistance.

In case it helps you, one description the grief process. You might jiggle up and down there.

Stage 1 is "shock denial" -- like "I can't believe this is happening to me!" "Is this really happening to me?" type thoughts and feelings to match.

So your response is appropriate sounding to me for where you are in your process. You are beginning to consider this could be abuse on your hands.

Could keep gathering information quietly for yourself, give yourself time, etc. You seem to be doing that and trying to take appropriate care of yourself -- so good for you!

That's good that you are keeping it clean with the Special Friend -- and keeping it ultra slow and in the friend zone for now seems sensible. Have an old-fashioned "Understanding" if you both like, but sort out your old business before starting new. People sometimes get really weird -- don't put her in the line of fire if your wife decides to go wacky or use it against you in divorce process or something else I cannot even imagine down the line. I can guess it is probably weird to think that way... but you are in a weird position! Think all the weird you need to think. Be ok with that. While keeping you and others safe as you plan your course of action.

Getting back to anything close to "my normal life" is going to be a whole process and series of events over a period of time.

It is not just a single event, one moment of time.

You can do this. Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-26-2014 at 02:23 PM.
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  #13  
Old 01-27-2014, 12:58 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Inthedark View Post
So over the past week I have been thinking about the advice that has been given to me in this forum. I've done several hours of research into emotional abuse. I find that all of the indicators are there. Problem is, I can't convince myself that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion.
I think when emotional abuse begins in a relationship, its start is insidious. At first we may consider the harsh behavior as the exception to our partner's usually loving behavior. But then time goes on, and the harsh behavior becomes more frequent - yet we are still operating under our initial assessment that such behavior is the exception rather than rule. We don't want to recognize that the person we love has a monstrous side. And we adapt and tell ourselves it's not really that bad, that we are probably blowing it out of proportion. We are not really in touch with just how completely inappropriate our spouse's behavior is.

Yet the fact remains that FEAR should not be the primary emotion one has towards one spouse.
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  #14  
Old 01-27-2014, 01:17 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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It's good that you're reading about emotional abuse. In various places, you can find charts and lists of kinds of abuse, and physical abuse is only one of many kinds of abuse. All the other things that come before are also abuse - and like bookbug said, fear should not be your primary emotion. If it is, you need to change your situation.

And you can do it. Change can happen. It will be hard, it takes strength, and you will need people around you that you can lean on. They will be surprised at your change, as you go from being supportive to needing support. They will, if all goes well, love you and help you and hold you. They will be there for you.

There are also plenty of support structures out there for you, including in the military. You're a medic, you're part of a team, and you need their help. You need to find a private place to speak up - finding that might be the most important act for you, right now. You need compassion, respect, and support.

Good luck. I wish you all the strength you can find.
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  #15  
Old 02-03-2014, 03:53 PM
Inthedark Inthedark is offline
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I have confronted my abuser. Im not sure how it happened but I was chatting with her on facebook the other day and she started in with the abuse. I told her to stop and that I was tired of being treated that way and that I was very afraid of her. Of course she told me that my fear is not her problem but I am arguing against her with fact and logic. Thanks for those who posted links to websites. They have been very helpful. It is strange though. I feel very bad. Im spending a lot of time depressed and crying. But at the same time I feel so good. And I know, at least for the next few months, I will be safe.
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  #16  
Old 02-03-2014, 03:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It is strange though. I feel very bad. Im spending a lot of time depressed and crying. But at the same time I feel so good. And I know, at least for the next few months, I will be safe.
When you experience fear, there can be the "flight or fight" load of brain chemistry released into your system. It can take a few days to clear "brain dump" chemicals so feeling gross right now physically but better emotionally makes total sense to me.

Then facing unknown changes head -- that too can be taxing on the system.

Hang in there. Stay safe.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-03-2014 at 03:58 PM.
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  #17  
Old 02-03-2014, 04:05 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Originally Posted by Inthedark View Post
It is strange though. I feel very bad. Im spending a lot of time depressed and crying. But at the same time I feel so good. And I know, at least for the next few months, I will be safe.
As abusive as a situation might have been, it's the situation you know. Change is hard. You're used to the dynamics, you're habituated to the lows and the highs (in that order, probably). Breaking that habit is hard. Leaving abuse is really damn hard.

And now you get to find a way to feel good by not going through that. Be safe. That's a really wonderful change. Good luck, and stay strong. It's a challenge, sometimes, not to go back to the old habit. But you're safe, and that's wonderful.
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  #18  
Old 02-04-2014, 05:23 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inthedark View Post
I have confronted my abuser. Im not sure how it happened but I was chatting with her on facebook the other day and she started in with the abuse. I told her to stop and that I was tired of being treated that way and that I was very afraid of her. Of course she told me that my fear is not her problem but I am arguing against her with fact and logic. Thanks for those who posted links to websites. They have been very helpful. It is strange though. I feel very bad. Im spending a lot of time depressed and crying. But at the same time I feel so good. And I know, at least for the next few months, I will be safe.
A friend of mine was married to an emotionally abusive woman. When he tried to talk to her about modifying her behavior, her response was pretty much the same as you got: "I'm happy, so if you're not, it's your problem." That said, despite refusing to modify her behavior, she saw no reason why the marriage should end. To this day she fails to understand.

My friend had to use every bit of his logic to leave, because emotionally nothing felt right to him - neither staying nor going.
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  #19  
Old 02-04-2014, 01:39 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I still have trouble calling my ex abusive, however, he did the same thing: "Only you can make yourself feel that way." Meanwhile, he never took responsibility for the behavior which triggered that response time and again.

I would have stayed, too, sadly. It's so very hard to rationalize leaving when it's "not that bad" and you have children. The best thing I did for myself, though, was go to counseling. He was isolating me from my friends and, at her suggestion, I was trying to find ways to get that need met from him. Except he wouldn't ("We never had to talk before, why do we have to talk NOW?!"), and he had finally had enough and initiated the separation.

Long story short, in hindsight, that divorce was the best thing I could have done for myself AND my children. I get to be myself and not denigrated for it. I am now loved by someone who loves me for who I am, and my children get to see that. They get to see me being happy and in my own skin, and I think it's shown them an alternative - that being happy with who you are is valuable, and nobody should take that away from you. And that there are different ways of seeing the world.

I don't know that it ever showed my ex that he was being an asshole. I'm sure he still believes he's right. The entire world was always wrong anyway.

Take care of YOURSELF. It will be a hard road at first, but in the end, being happy in your own skin and appreciated for who you are (rather than appreciated for toeing a line and being someone else that your wife wants you to be) will feel so much better.

Hang in there.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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