Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-20-2014, 10:11 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 22
Default Metamour resentful because I won't have sex with her

Recently, I found out that my metamour had admitted to our shared partner that she is resentful of my relationship with him because I'm not interested in having sex with her and that it makes her "unenthusiastic" for us to spend time together. Funny thing is, I'd been feeling that this was an issue for her for quite awhile, but our shared partner had always shrugged it off. However, in the months since she admitted this to him (in July) she has become increasingly negative, territorial, and aggressive both with me and with him, causing stress for everyone.

I can definitely understand how much rejection hurts, so I've been trying to be sympathetic about it long before she admitted her resentment. She had only been with our shared partner 6 months before him and I started dating (and him and I had been platonic friends who talked everyday for several months before that). While they have now been together two years (and my relationship has been a year and a half), at 32 years old she had never been in a relationship before and had never explored her curiosity about being with a woman. I had always thought she agreed to poly thinking she could finally gave those girl-girl sexy times and threesomes that she had dreamed of, and she always made it very clear that she was sexually attracted to me. On the other hand, I've had my share of relationships and sexual experiences, including relationships with women and exploring different combinations of people having sex together. I'm past my curiosity stage! I'm definitely not physically attracted to her at all, although initially I was willing to keep the idea open depending on how our rapport grew- but as I got to know her personality, she turned me off more and more. There's just nothing I really like about her, no matter how much I try- although I do remain kind and respectful to her, because that's just what you do. Our shared partner naturally would be thrilled with threesomes galore, but he has never once pushed the issue and is totally fine with my stance regarding being involved with her. He is happy having two completely separate relationships and doesn't want to force anything unnaturally, even though he actually could as this is a D/s situation where he is Owner to us both- but since he's not a jerk, he wouldn't do that.

So, now I'm left with this increasingly hostile situation on her end and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I've had people be disappointed to not get to gave sex, and have even had people be resentful and angry- but for this long?? I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, waiting for her to lash out. I've been trying to be patient and understanding, but I'm getting understandably a bit tired of being treated shitty because I'm maintaining my boundaries. Anybody have any advice or at least some motivation towards continuing to be patient with her?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-20-2014, 10:53 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 983
Default

How often are you around her?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:40 AM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 22
Default

Thankfully not very often. Neither of us live with him, so it's not like we are in each other's space much. It's mostly when there is a social occasion. The most recent was New Years, as he wanted to spend time with both of us. She was passive aggressive the whole time towards both of of us which ultimately ended with her majorly lashing out then having a tear filled meltdown. This is the standard pattern of any time the three of us are together. I refuse to spend time alone with her anymore, as it initially started as just nastiness directed at me, so it was hard for him to know what to do to take action. Since she admitted her resentment, she has now started directing it at him as well, and after I'm presuming a warning from him after a major blow up in September, she has aimed most of her direct venom at him. But every time I've seen her since July (when she had a MAJOR meltdown which revealed the resentment), there has been a problem.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-21-2014, 01:55 AM
MsChristy's Avatar
MsChristy MsChristy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 88
Default

Why don't you just talk to your metamour face to face about this issue, and be honest about the fact that you are not attracted to her nor interested in a physical relationship. The two of you having this passive aggressive relationship will start to put strain on your relationship with your partner.
__________________
--------------------------------------------------
MsChristy- married female
C-my husband
H-my partner
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-21-2014, 02:15 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 983
Default

He needs to nip her behavior in the bud.

If I were in your shoes, I would refrain from being around her period. If a situation like New Years came up I would gracefully decline honestly giving your reason why.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-21-2014, 03:32 AM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 814
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
He needs to nip her behavior in the bud.

If I were in your shoes, I would refrain from being around her period. If a situation like New Years came up I would gracefully decline honestly giving your reason why.
Same here.
__________________
Sue, openly in a vee with Nate (polysexual, many fwb) and Sam (Mono)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-21-2014, 06:36 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Tell her in front of him that you do not want sex and her behaviour is creepy and predatory as well as obvious.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-21-2014, 10:08 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

It sounds, to me, as if your metamour is one of those people who believes in the false notion that when people are poly, everybody should be having sex with each other. She got involved with your bf before you did, and maybe she thinks of herself as his primary and feels that if he wants poly, it's supposed to be all three of you together. Well, doesn't matter what she thinks - if you don't want to, you don't want to. Can't blame you for not being attracted to her, and she's making herself less and less attractive with her behavior.

I gotta wonder, though, if she's that selfish and so unstable that she is lashing out at him and you, why does your bf still want to be with her? If she were a guy friend of his haranguing you for sex, would he tolerate that? No, it's creepy and stalker-ish. She also sounds like she's really high maintenance and a little off her rocker. You know that saying - "Don't fuck crazy."

Anyway, if I were in your shoes, this is what I would do: I would make it very clear to my bf that I want nothing to do with her and refuse to socialize with her. I would say, "She's your gf, your headache. Do not ask me to hang out with you two again. I want no contact with her anymore. It would be an unfair imposition if you expect that from me. I have made gestures to be nice, and polite, and inclusive - but now I'm done. I'm not attracted to her, and she's made things so bad that I don't even like her much at all. I don't need the added stress and angst she causes, so I am choosing not to have her in my life. If you want to see me, see me without her, and don't relay messages from her or tell me about the problems you have with her. From now on, keep your relationships separate."

And stick to it. If she contacts you, just say, "Leave me alone, I'm not interested." Sure, you know he wants you to get along and hang together sometimes, and you want him to be happy - but you've compromised enough. There is no poly rule book that states that metamours have to be friends, even. Don't put up with high maintenance nut cases.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-21-2014 at 10:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:33 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,581
Default

I'll come in as devil's advocate from the other side.

I was that woman, to an extent, the one wanting the girl on girl action, and thinking that finding a woman for me and my husband to share would be just the ticket. When one comes to find out that is not the case, it can be very disappointing!

My (ex) h's gf did indicate, like you did, she'd possibly be interested in me too, turns out she wasn't. It crushed me. We'd opened our marriage after 25 years. When gf wasn't interested in me, I had a hard time standing by and seeing my h in NRE with new shiny girl.

We had a veto in place and I eventually used it, but of course, it didn't help. Just caused my h to resent me, didn't stop his feelings for gf, or hers for him.

I am not sure what you all can do about this... sounds very uncomfortable. Being poly as your first relationship, like your meta is, sounds difficult for her. Maybe she should be encouraged by her Dom bf to find a woman of her own to play with.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-21-2014, 01:25 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 88
Default

I agree with nycindie's advice.

I am also wondering, is your metamour allowed to date other men, or do they have an OPP (One Penis Policy)? I know that many D/s relationships have this agreement in place.

If she is not allowed to date/sleep with other men, only other women, and she hasn't been with a woman before, she might not feel comfortable about meeting and dating other women on her own and feel dependent on the possibility of having a partner in common with your boyfriend. And since you aren't interested in her, the situation may be effectively rendering her monogamous, or at least until her boyfriend finds another female partner who might be interested in her. I can see how this would cause her to be resentful since she clearly does not want monogamy for herself.

I could be totally off base about this, but it might be worthwhile to ask him about their agreements vis a vis other partners for her. If you yourself have an OPP with him, I'd say it's likely he has one with her as well.
__________________
Female, married just about forever to Scout. Lovers with E, who is married to C.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:25 AM.