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Old 01-11-2014, 04:12 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Location: Montgomery, AL
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Default Coping mechanisms?

So yesterday, my SO and I had a phenomenal day. Followed by a great night. Followed by amazing sex in the morning and a day of hanging out and having fun. I knew she had a date tonight and I thought I was mentally prepared. I even helped her get ready and she snagged one of the bottles of wine I bought for our party last night (I bought 6 or 7) to take with her over to his place...and I didn't sweat about it. (Thought, but didn't sweat.) Before she left she did an amazing job of making sure she cuddled me, and loved on me, and was extra sweet to make me feel better. But for some reason I'm freaking out.

She's been on dates where she's left from my house and gone out overnight. Dates that she's had sex on. With several different guys. But for some reason I'm freaking out.

Indications are she's not going to have sex for multiple reasons. One she usually waits until the 4th date at least (Though she didn't with me). There are also *cough* medical reasons why she probably wouldn't. But hey, wine and movies and touchy-touch goes in different places.

It's not even the idea of sex, it's just I want her here with me.

I'm learning several things about myself.
  1. I'm terrible at being alone.
  2. I've forgotten how to have fun on my own. As in "what fun stuff do I like to do?"
  3. I guess I'd have to admit that I base my entertainment on her. As in she's the source.
  4. I dwell too much and get in stupid thought patterns.

My birthday is Monday and she's expressed the wish to celebrate it on Sunday...so I know she's coming back. And I know she's coming back soon. Hell we have all kinds of long-term plans. I know she's not going anywhere totally.

I've been pretty decent with her being poly so far...but I'm just kind of freaking tonight.

Can anyone share their coping mechanisms?
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Old 01-11-2014, 04:58 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,136

If you have pets, let them sit on or near you. Seriously. I find that comforting.

It's hard to be alone sometimes, even if one is 'good' at being alone. Learning to like your own company is a critical life skill for everyone. It's good that you recognize you need to work on this.

Having other friends to hang out with, or just chat with online, has been critical for me. I am working on expanding my circle of friends.

Hang in there. It is hard sometimes, but it won't be hard all the time, forever.
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:37 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Watch TV. Go on a date yourself, if that's possible. Play Call of Duty. Cook. Have people over. Masturbate.
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Old 01-12-2014, 08:36 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

Hey. Sorry that it was rough for you. I hope you found a way through it.

I kind of giggled at london's suggestions. Yeah, I do the last one a lot (I totally get off on my two partners having a date together...)

Other ideas include calling up friends and catching up. I often blog here when they're on dates, just because it feels good to be part of this community in moments when I want to be reminded that I'm normal (or at least not too abnormal). I probably have two drinks too many. The kids are older, so if it's a pre-bedtime date, I spend time with them and we do dumb shit together. I read a book. I immerse myself in work and catch up on my email...

I don't know if those help.

I guess the one thing that I do that is hard to quantify is that I love the shit out of my wife, while she's gone. I think about all the great things we have, I affirm in myself that this is worth it, that I see her being her most essential self. I love being there as she discovers something new in herself, and I get excited to hear about it when she's back. (No, I don't need the details of their sex... though I kind of like it, but that's not what I'm talking about.) And I also love the shit out of AM, while she's with WI. The idea of them being happy helps me relax.
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:07 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
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I go out to dinner and movie with friends
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Old 01-13-2014, 03:21 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 32

The above suggestions are great temporary solutions which do the trick in the moment- they distract you for the time being and help you to remember that there are other ways to spend your time besides focusing on the other person. There's not any need for me to add others, I'm sure you know what hobbies you like or have always wanted to try- now is the time!

Besides those, I also find it helpful to work through my feelings more internally. In the beginning of my relationship, I felt more anxious about the time he spent with his other partner...but also realized that was about my insecurities and self esteem. I chose to do a lot of self work: I got books on self esteem and working through issues so I could feel more secure as an individual, and I got books on communication in relationships so I could communicate my feelings better to both myself and my partner. I also started journaling, which helped me to identify negative behavioral patterns I was indulging in better so I could see where my weaknesses were and could work on them. I also began meditating- intentional meditation in particular has been useful and can be done anywhere, anytime for a quick boost against anxiety. Praying and wishing good will on those in my life, including his other partner, has also been helpful. I'm also a fan of self-pampering- sometimes you just need soothing human contact, so go get yourself a massage and relax your body and mind. It's all about finding the coping mechanisms that help you get to a stronger emotional place. It's not always easy, but it's helped me to tell myself that they are just feelings and I have the ability to control my feelings and to choose positivity. When I'm really focused on him while he is with her, I turn my negative energy in to productive, positive energy by doing something that to me feels related to him and that is better than moping, such as perfecting a new recipe that I think he will enjoy when I make it for him at a later date or working on a project or task I know he will be excited to see that I've made progress on.

I hope at least a little of this helps! Good luck!
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Old 01-13-2014, 08:59 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 46

I'm curious about coping mechanisms too. Especially when trying to sleep. My husband and his girlfriend usually stay up a lot later than me. I'm just not a night owl. However, I usually start tossing and turning trying to fall asleep, obsessing about what they're doing in the other room, feeling left out. I would love coping mechanisms for quieting my mind so I can fall asleep.
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Old 01-13-2014, 09:36 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 32

Perhaps something to help you relax your mind before bed, such as meditation or gentle yoga? And if he is actually in the house, and it's not like it's an actual date situation that you don't want to intrude on, why not ask your partner to come tuck you in and spend a few minutes snuggling as you settle in to sleeping? That might help keep some insecurity at bay.
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Old 01-13-2014, 10:08 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Location: SoNH
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why not ask your partner to come tuck you in and spend a few minutes snuggling as you settle in to sleeping? That might help keep some insecurity at bay.
When I do end up spending time down at the home P shares with M1, this is exactly what we do. He'll come in at night and tuck me in for a while, and then he'll also wake up early and spend some time with me in the morning before I have to go (when I stay, it's on a work night, and I have to get up god-awful early to leave). It's a nice gesture and helps with the whole "I don't want to intrude on your space" thing while not making me feel like I have to make myself scarce.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 46/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 47/M, Partner of 6 years, lives half-time with me, half with Xena.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I've been on a few dates with. Divorced, Mono, wrapping his head around it all.
Xena: 47/F, Chops' other nesting partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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Old 01-14-2014, 05:01 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Thanks for all the responses, y'all. She's got a date tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty good about weathering it. Of course, I'm only able to guess until it's actually here.

I've got so much to do around the house and I really need to read a lot of stuff and get back into my hobbies.

The key is I have to just live my life. Easier said than done, but hey.
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