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  #1  
Old 01-10-2014, 05:57 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Default Buying a house as one arm of a V - pitfalls, suggestions

Discussing a move and buying house as an arm of a VEE, while other arm is married

I'm single - mono
P - former/potential partner, married, poly yet essentially mono to me
PW - p's wife, poly

P is looking at an out of state move for a dream job.
I own my home, would keep it for son to live in or as a rental & a home I could come back to if needed.
P and PW own their home.
Still no clue to if PW would move him with and they sell current home, stay & still have him send $ home, stay & support herself, or what. He hasn't pushed issue, yet. ("She doesn't like change")

I am willing to move with him (not live with her, regardless if she moves or not). Rents in new town are out of my price comfort range, but home-ownership isn't, even on my own income/resources.

He would like to co-mingle funds and purchase a nicer home than I can afford on my own.

Has anyone else in similar situation purchased real estate?
What do you see as risks?
Ways to mitigate risks?
Suggestions?
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  #2  
Old 01-10-2014, 11:50 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I would be extremely uncomfortable co-buying a house with him while he's married. If that marriage dissolves, then his assets become assets to split in a divorce, and you lose. Period.

In your blog, you suggested buying a house on your own. I'd recommend going that route, if you can, then maybe have P help with expenses. He's paying into it, so he's vested, but the name on that mortgage and title are YOURS.

I'd also be hesitant to move without more detail about what's going on (P's wife not liking change wouldn't be a valid way of ending the conversation for me).

Good luck, but protect yourself!

Edited to add:
Disclaimer - I bought my own home after my divorce, and at this point (over 2 years out), I will NEVER comingle assets again, so I'm a little biased. My P is good with that, so it works out.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 01-10-2014 at 11:54 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-10-2014, 12:58 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Don't do it.. She will be entitled to half your comingled assets .
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #4  
Old 01-10-2014, 01:05 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Yes divorce laws will not recognize your investment unless your name is on the deed. Even then, as the previous commenter stated, if it is his and your name on the house, and they divorce, his portion would be up for grabs. If you cannot afford to buy them out and pay the house payment yourself, you could be forced to sell. Or if you can't sell (downturn in the economy, messy divorce ties up the asset and you can't maintain the payments alone - hopefully your guy would continue to help, but divorce ties up a lot of ones money and he may not be able to) then you could plain lose your investment if foreclosure is the result.

No matter how well-intentioned your guy is, you have to consider these worst case scenarios.
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  #5  
Old 01-10-2014, 01:43 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Even aside from assets, I'd be leery of putting his name on the mortgage as well... If you go through the preapproval process with both your salaries counting as income (yes, they'll take his other assets into account, but still...), and he is unable to continue to pay in, then you're stuck with a mortgage you can't afford.

Lots of risk here. You could potentially either be stuck holding on to a house you can't afford and maybe can't sell (depending on the market), or losing the house altogether.

Intentions (on P's part) are great, but if we could count on them, I think the divorce rate would be zero. Make sure you have something to fall back on in case of emergency.

ETA: Ah, Bookbug already said that. Oopsie!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #6  
Old 01-10-2014, 02:27 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Plus your relationship with P seems to cause you a lot of angst.

It seems like one heck of an emotional roller coaster .

Plus what if PW decides to follow? What if she wants to come visit for extended periods .

My relationship with Murf is in its second year. I live with him almost half of the month. I contribute to both households. But we do not comingle assets. I do not want to put him at risk if Butch and I were ever to divorce .
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #7  
Old 01-10-2014, 08:26 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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It sounds like too much stress for me. Especially with him being unclear as to if his own wife would even move with him or not. There seems to be some tension there that I wouldn't want to be in the middle of. If you can manage it, move on your own to a rental so that you're not committed to this until you're sure.
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Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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  #8  
Old 01-10-2014, 08:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Some poly people have formed LLCs with their partners for situations like this. You may want to investigate the laws of the state you'd be moving to.

BTW, just because he wants to co-mingle funds, doesn't mean you should.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #9  
Old 01-11-2014, 12:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I wouldn't do it for the reasons stated above. Too much risk.
I am the hinge in a V (and married).
We do comingle our incomes-but the property is not in boyfriends name. We are looking to buy a second property-that would be in his name, in a different location-and the family as a whole can do winters there and summers here. But each of the guys would have property that is not in the name of the other.
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  #10  
Old 01-11-2014, 01:22 AM
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SlowPoly SlowPoly is offline
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I second and third what was said above. Their marital status means owning with P is owning with PW, and you don't sound comfortable being closely tied to her.

One suggestion I have is that you interrogate your ideas about "a nicer home." There may be better things to do with your money (and time) than to purchase and maintain a larger or fancier home.

With every additional owner and with every increase in asset value, you become less able to respond to change. And you never know what will change.

Good luck working through these decisions!
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