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  #1  
Old 01-14-2014, 08:05 PM
Jabba Jabba is offline
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Default Poly-curious?

My gf and I are both open-minded and highly sexed. We've been together a year and established immediately that we might both want to stray at some point for physical excitment. We're still very happy and very much in love, but we're initerested in the idea and theory of polyamory, even though we have no practical experience.

We live in South Wales and we're a very young 35 and 31.

We'd both love to meet some more poly people of similar'ish age range to see if any sparks are ignited.

That's a pretty concise intro I think

James & Samantha

/biglovetoall
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  #2  
Old 01-14-2014, 10:27 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings James, Samantha,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

The Dating & Friendships subforum might be helpful in seeing if there are some people in your area who might be interested. As for the site in general, there are many threads to explore, and lots of new people to meet. I hope you'll enjoy your stay with us, and that we can answer any questions you may have.

Glad to meet you,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 01-15-2014, 01:56 AM
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Hello and welcome. I suggest you do a lot of reading, because you seem very focused on sex - which is fine, but most people will tell you that generally sex is not what polyamory is all about.
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Old 01-15-2014, 07:12 AM
Jabba Jabba is offline
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That makes me feel a bit judged. I know you're just trying to share your thoughts with me and I thank you for trying, but you used jackal language so I ended up feel offended. 'a lot' implies that I'm a complete ignoramus and to assume you can tell my focus and correct the wrongness of it from what little I wrote seems a bit arrogant and aggressive, even though I'm sure it wasn't intended as such and that's my inclination to judge you back - equally wrong and aggressive, sorry x.

My gift to you is stolen from a better man 3 hours, but time well spent by anyone who doesn't yet know the amazing world of NVC http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBGlF7-MPFI

I don't think I can accept the premise that there is a right or wrong amount of either physical or emotional affection in any given relationship.

My understanding of polyamory is about getting your needs met in a more natural and honest way by more than one person. My girlfriend and I get all of our loving needs met by each other for now. We're only a year in to our relationship and we're new to poly, so diving straight into a deep emotional commitment to someone else doesn't seem like a great idea, but physical fun and affection are probably the best road for us to take if we want to learn to love without limits, jealousy etc and what pushes our buttons or throws up issues for us.

Thank you for the comment, but we really are looking more for physical affection for now and deeper commitments and devotion aren't on the table for us yet and they probably won't be until we've played around with physical affection and sharing our bed.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts though, I can see how you might have different opinions about what poly is, but many lovers doesn't really speak to the qualities of the 'lovers' or the amount of physical or emotional affection they show and why. I also don't accept the unsaid premise that emotional affection is somehow superior or more worthy than physical affection, both are perfectly valid human needs which we each express in different quantities at different times and for different reasons

Big love to one and all... but mainly physical and sensual love ;-p

x

Last edited by Jabba; 01-15-2014 at 07:18 AM.
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  #5  
Old 01-15-2014, 04:44 PM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jabba View Post

My understanding of polyamory is about getting your needs met in a more natural and honest way by more than one person. My girlfriend and I get all of our loving needs met by each other for now. We're only a year in to our relationship and we're new to poly, so diving straight into a deep emotional commitment to someone else doesn't seem like a great idea, but physical fun and affection are probably the best road for us to take if we want to learn to love without limits, jealousy etc and what pushes our buttons or throws up issues for us.

Thank you for the comment, but we really are looking more for physical affection for now and deeper commitments and devotion aren't on the table for us yet and they probably won't be until we've played around with physical affection and sharing our bed.



x
Jabba, now that you have explained I understand a bit better where you are coming from. If isn't that you are opposed to an emotional connection being made, you just aren't going out looking for a partner with the expectation of an emotional connection.

Just curious, how would you describe what you are looking for differently than swingers or just being open (but without poly)?
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  #6  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:25 PM
Jabba Jabba is offline
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We're looking to have a sexual relationship with someone together, not to put keys into a bowl and swap wives or to get into orgies with lots of strangers (although I've got nothing against those things and I don't think one should be snobbish about sex for its own sake either). An open relationship implies doing your own thing, poly means doing it together. We personally want intimacy and we're not here to try and fuck as many strangers as we can, we just want some passionate relationships with a focus on sexuality and sexual experience because neither of us are yet secure or mature enough to handle seeing the other one falling madly in love with someone else.

I'm not just 'not opposed to emotional connection' I think it is essential for intimacy and good sex/relationships. There's a big difference between intimacy, affection and the burning passion of intense love though. 'Love' is a rich and complicated word. We'd love to find more 'lovers' to test our limits and put theory into practice, but we would not be looking to commit to a third party seriously at this stage of our lives. I think it is important to remember that serious commitment is not better than casual acquaintance or frivolous sex, it is just what it is. /pretentious twat, i know, people tell me all the time lol

I understand and appreciate your desire to maintain what you see as the integrity of your lifestyle choice on this forum, by fending off what you imagine to be 'lesser' motivations that shouldn't be associated with 'polyamory', but i do still think we're in the right place for what we want and if we're wrong then I guess we'll find out soon enough because people will tell us to get lost.

For a website about limitless love I do feel a bit judged and having to defend myself immediately creates unwanted negative energy, so I will leave it there and just say 'each to their own'

Last edited by Jabba; 01-15-2014 at 06:12 PM.
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Old 01-15-2014, 06:22 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Jabba View Post
For a website about limitless love I do feel a bit judged and having to defend myself immediately creates unwanted negative energy, so I will leave it there and just say 'each to their own'
Relax I didn't see any judging, just informing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jabba View Post
neither of us are yet secure or mature enough to handle seeing the other one falling madly in love with someone else
A bit of self-awareness of one's limitations is never a bad thing and you're right, it does require maturity and a good amount of self-esteem and self-confidence to navigate multiple loving relationships. The problem, as I see it, is that there is no guarantee that you will not form deeper connections with people that you have 'only' a sexual connection with. It's something many swingers have had to grapple with.

Had you considered more structured scenarios such as Tantra workshops where you would meet like minded people to explore sexuality with? This can provide a setting with boundaries and agreements that might help you feel secure in your relationship.
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  #8  
Old 01-15-2014, 06:34 PM
Jabba Jabba is offline
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'a lot' and 'very' in the first post are both loaded with negative judgements and I think it is understandable that I felt the twinge of defensiveness to posts calling into question the rightness of our decision to have a look on a poly website or chat to poly people about finding a casual gf or couple. I really dont think my first post was that overtly sexual or distasteful as to warrant everyone questioning our appropriateness on a forum for polys.

tantra workshop sounds a bit too much like getting intimate with someone you don't know and haven't 'chosen'. Plus it all sounds a bit structured and I've never been into that kind of thing - I can't speak for Sam on that obv, but it doesn't appeal to me at all. I want exciting, organic and thrilling experience, passion and connection with someone I like, know and fancy, can enjoy with my other half, but dont necessarily have to make any commitment to.

I think the danger of developing more feelings is why we would only want to do things together at first, so we knew exactly what experiences the other one was having. I know that's petty and jealous but I think it's a growing process we'll need because we've been programmed to be possessive and it is our sexuality that is nudging us towards becoming more honest about our true needs and potential poly-nature.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I still think looking in polyamory circles is right for us, even if our needs might not gel with some poly people.

Last edited by Jabba; 01-15-2014 at 06:48 PM.
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  #9  
Old 01-15-2014, 06:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jabba View Post
That makes me feel a bit judged . . . so I ended up feel offended.
Well, you can feel judged and offended all you want, no one's stopping you. Just remember that is a stance you choose to take. If people are direct or blunt in their responses, that isn't necessarily hostility or judgement.

You came here stating that you are curious and "interested in the idea and theory of polyamory." So, naturally people will respond to those statements with their ideas and theories about it, thereby giving you what you asked for.

As far as what I wrote, I merely pointed out to you that sex is not the only focus in polyamory. Indeed, many people have poly relationships that are not sexual at all. Most people will agree that swinging or having "open" relationships are more about the physical, while polyamory is more about the emotional. Now, I say "more about . . ." because there are no hard and fast rules. Many swingers do become emotionally involved with their sex partners, and many polyamorists have casual sex without commitment. But poly and open or swinging are generally considered very different from each other.

I only mentioned that because your initial post focused on how "highly sexed" you and our partner are, and that you're looking for physical excitement. You did not talk about developing a loving relationship, just about getting physical needs met. Therefore, my purpose in responding to you was to encourage you to read about polyamory and to let you know that, in general, most people who live polyamorously want to develop and nurture multiple loving relationships on a level that is deeper than just physical. I fail to see how that kind of information-giving can be construed as judging you. I offered that info simply because of how sex-focused your first post was, and that you said you were curious (which implies "new at this"). In other words, I was being helpful, based on the information given.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jabba View Post
An open relationship implies doing your own thing, poly means doing it together.
See, there's a misconception right there. "Doing it together" is not an integral aspect of polyamory. In fact, most seasoned polyamorists here would advise dating separately ("dating" being different from randomly fucking), because couples dating together doesn't often succeed. It can be successful, but only rarely, it seems.

There is a good chance that a forum that focuses on swinging or open relationships might be more appropriate for your needs. But no one here will tell you to get lost (if you abide by the forum guidelines). There is also a good chance that this forum will be right up your alley. We love talking about sex here. Some of our most senior long-time members might appear, to others, to be more like swingers than poly, in fact. Sex can be an important part of poly, it's just not the main ingredient. And if you know anything about oxytocin and brain chemistry, well... for many folks, it can be a huge challenge to separate feelings from sex.

When you offer information on a public forum, take what you need from the responses you get and discard what isn't useful. It's such a waste of time and energy to get defensive, don't you think? Keep reading here! The Life Stories and Blogs section is particularly good for opening one's eyes to what is possible in poly.

In addition, since you signed your post "James & Samantha," I would like to remind you that, as per our guidelines, we generally prefer that two or more people who are involved as partners each register separately rather than have one account for more than one person. If you want to continue using one account, then we ask that each of you clearly announce who is "speaking" in each post. So far, it seems that it's been the male half posting, but just thought I'd bring it up now, to clear up any confusion.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-15-2014 at 07:09 PM.
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Old 01-15-2014, 07:46 PM
Jabba Jabba is offline
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lol, yes thank you but I really didn't need pointing out that sex isn't the only part of relationships or even of being lovers (obvious to the point of absurdity), nor was my post a request for an orgy or wife swap. I didn't say polyamory was about sexuality, I said we were highly sexed and that is what has led us to look at having 'many lovers'... the key being lovers, not random partners.

Anyway, semantics are of no interest to me really, I'm looking for experience and connection to enrich my life, not to define polyamory or to pigeon hole myself into anything.

Sam hasn't posted, or created an account, nor does she want to atm. I just signed it like that as it was an intro. Jabba is my nickname, not hers.

Anyway, anyone can read my post and yours and see how easily your first post could be read as unpleasant tone etc. I agree that it's a waste of time to be offended or insulted though, so I'll stop that right now and just end this thread as I tried to do earlier... each to their own... moving on... end thread

Last edited by Jabba; 01-15-2014 at 07:49 PM.
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