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  #1  
Old 01-13-2014, 06:07 PM
Polycplcolo Polycplcolo is offline
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Default We need some advice!

So me and my wife are new to the poly scene. We have been searching for the elusive unicorn to join us in our relationship. A few months ago we met a really awesome woman at a party we had. Things were getting a little hot and heavy that night but she got scared and went off to join others in the party without saying much. We were left feeling a little defeated and confused as we thought she was really into us.

An unfortunate even occurred and she ended up talking with one of our guy friends the next day and they ended up hooking up and are now dating.

They are both good friends of ours and join in all of the parties and social gatherings our group of friends have. We had a New Years eve party where a lot of things were clarified. It turns out she ran off the first time because she was afraid to ruin our marriage, and we were all really drunk so it was probably best. However after explaining to her how secure we are in our marriage and its what we want she actually had a lot of regret and wished things went differently.

She was having a argument that started with her and her boyfriend before they even got to the party that night, so there was hardly any attention being put forth between each other. My wife and her actually ended up making out again and very flirtatious with each other. I kept my distance since she is obviously with another man.

My wife had recently had lunch with her to plan her boyfriends bday party. She spent part of the lunch complaining to my wife about him and a lot of the things hes been doing or saying. She isn't completely happy with him and he has been a dick to her lately. But obviously we don't see everything being the scenes so there might be chemistry we aren't seeing despite her complaints.

Fast forward to this past weekend where it was her boyfriends bday party. Both me and my wife like this girl a lot but have limited expectations. We went to the party not expecting anything. At most her and my wife would flirt and have fun because both sides are completely cool with that, just not me and her doing anything. However things started off strangely. As the girl we like initiated a lot of flirting with me early in the night before she even had any alcohol. Her boyfriend hardly pays any attention to her during these get togethers with our friends. As the night progressed things got even more intense. Without going into every little detail there was a lot of fondling and we ended up kissing. Every time we are around her there is more attention being put on us than him.

She has told us a few times if things ever change she will let us know. But we are confused as to what to do. We like this girl a great deal and want to bring her into our relationship but her boyfriend is also one of our good friends. We don't want to drive a wedge into their relationship but at the same time we feel we can offer so much more than he can. He's a really cool and fun guy but not the best boyfriend. And we are into couples but my wife isn't attracted to him.

This is the first girl me and my wife have both had something more than a physical connection with which makes it hard for us. It's kind of like that broken heart feeling of not getting what you want or can't have.

So I guess the advice we are seeking is what is the best way to have her choose us over him without ruining friendships or being the main source of their breakup? If she is really having issues with him why isn't she breaking up with him? It seems despite her grievances she has some sort of connection with him that is keeping her holding on.

Sorry for the long post, any thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 01-13-2014, 06:19 PM
london london is offline
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If she is open to non monogamy, why does she have to choose? Can't she date all of you? Who is preventing that?
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  #3  
Old 01-13-2014, 06:31 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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It's hard to know where to start here.

First off, is your female friend even poly? If she is poly, and her boyfriend is as well, there may be a clear field for her to date both of you AND her boyfriend, depending on what kind of agreements they have. She is not his possession, after all. He does not need to be offered your wife as a sexual partner even if you are dating his girlfriend, fancy that. And you do not need to find someone who is completely single, since the only people who NEED to date someone single, are people who are single themselves, and seeking a monogamous relationship. That is not you.

If she is not poly, and I suspect she is not, it is quite likely that she may enjoy flirting at parties but doesn't want to be your unicorn.

What do you think you can offer her that her boyfriend can't? It sure isn't legal marriage, since you two are already married. If he is single, he can offer her that though. And a lot of people who are single want that.

Why are you calling someone you call a "good friend" (her boyfriend), a dick? What on earth did he do?
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  #4  
Old 01-13-2014, 06:41 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Nothing about this situation is going to end well. Someone is going to get hurt.

I have a personal rule don't snipe your friends significant other. I value my friendships. They tend to last longer than infatuation.

On the other hand if her boyfriend is ok with nonmonogamy Why does she have chose you two over him?
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Old 01-13-2014, 07:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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She is is not solidly obeying her own stated limit.

But that doesn't mean you go breaking her stated limit. Those are two separate behaviors. One she does. One you do.

You are in charge of YOUR behavior. So in YOUR behavior, you could respect her stated limit. Here is the limit:

Quote:
She has told us a few times if things ever change she will let us know.
You could honor her response.

You could accept feeling disappointed that this is not the time.

You could say "No" when she comes on to you after drinking at parties and remind her of her own stated limit.
  • You could tell her you are respecting her limit, so not party making out with her.
  • You could tell her you expect her to obey her own limit also and stop coming on to you because then you think she's changed her mind about polyshipping.

Keep noses ultra clean for a while.

Then you could be free of confusion because your behavior supports "maintain clear boundaries" rather than "fuzz the boundaries and make us confused about what we are."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-13-2014 at 07:48 PM.
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  #6  
Old 01-13-2014, 07:31 PM
Polycplcolo Polycplcolo is offline
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So I obviously need to clarify a few things...

Quote:
If she is open to non monogamy, why does she have to choose? Can't she date all of you? Who is preventing that?
The road block between all of us is her boyfriend. On our news years party we were surprised to hear she had actually asked him what he thought if she were to be with us in a threesome. He obviously had objections to that. He has no interest in her being with us if I am involved, but fine with the women playing around. So he is not poly, or at least we have no idea his views on it.

She seems to be open to poly but we haven't explicitly discussed it with her. As long as she is with him we are reserved on bringing up the conversation as we want to respect their relationship and aren't trying to interject in the middle. We don't want to put her on the spot saying "well what about us? you should be with us".

I'm only saying some of what I heard third party makes it sound like hes being a dick. Some of the complaints she has is he doesn't listen to her needs, he flat out told her "now that I have you we don't have to have sex as often". He has that mentality that once he's got what he wants he can stop all the chivalry and compliments. She has some self image issues and he told her "that's your problem not mine, I shouldn't have to call you beautiful to make you feel better about yourself. I said it once and that's all that matters". He is completely out of tune with what she needs out of the relationship.

I wouldn't even be writing all this if it wasn't for what happened the other night. It's very telling when her attention is primarily on us on the night of her boyfriends 30th birthday. And we did nothing to instigate it.
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  #7  
Old 01-13-2014, 07:43 PM
london london is offline
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If I were you two, I would emphasise that you're willing to be with her in an open poly arrangement that allows for her to have other relationships and leave it there. She has to decide whether being with you guys under those conditions would be better for her than being with him in a One Penis Policy.

There is another option. How willing are you and your wife to date separately? What if she wanted to be with him and your wife? I wouldn't be with someone in a OPP for my own reasons but perhaps your wife and this other woman don't share my views.
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Old 01-13-2014, 07:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I wouldn't even be writing all this if it wasn't for what happened the other night. It's very telling when her attention is primarily on us on the night of her boyfriends 30th birthday. And we did nothing to instigate it.
Neither did you do anything to STOP it to maintain your own clean boundaries.

She's in an existing relationship shape which precludes her participating in polyamory with you and your wife at this time.

Whether she is happy or not happy within that relationship is up to her and her BF to sort out. Not you.

Her response was

Quote:
She has told us a few times if things ever change she will let us know.
You could respect her limit.

If she chooses behaviors that causes you confusion, you could tell her to stop coming on to you, stop oversharing her personal problems with her current BF, etc. So you can be less confused.

Your wife could also stop with the flirty. So she can be less confused.

You both could tell her --

"We like you a lot, but we want to be respectful of you and your current relationship. Blurring the lines causes confusion for us. We'd like to be free of confusion, so we have to stop behaving in this way. We'd like you to behave like this -- stop telling us personal details about your current relationship, stop flirting/making out with us. So we can all be clear and less confused for how to be around each other and can let the polyshipping dream go for this time."

You deserve to be approached in a respectful way for YOU yourself. Not approached and sucked into dramafest like a pawn in their hooha, or used like bandaid to patch whatever with the current BF.

Tread carefully. Respect her limit.

Because I note she hasn't told you once, but a FEW times that she will let you know if things change for her.

How many times does she have to tell you before you become willing accept it?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2014 at 07:40 AM.
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  #9  
Old 01-13-2014, 07:49 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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There are times my attention is on friends and not one of my partners in social situations. Ok so what. Doesn't mean my relationship is in trouble. Sometimes I bitch to a friend about something Butch or Murf does that annoys me doesn't mean my relationship is rocky I am venting.

Now I do not make out with my friends but I have friends who make out with friends and it means nothing except it is fun for them. Not my cup of tea but that is them.

Stop over analyzing what is going on. Move on . Stay out of her relationship with her boyfriend. Stop unicorn hunting.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #10  
Old 01-13-2014, 10:39 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polycplcolo View Post
He has no interest in her being with us if I am involved, but fine with the women playing around. So he is not poly, or at least we have no idea his views on it.
How does that make him not poly? It's quite possibly true, but I'm not sure how you made the logical leap based on that evidence.

One thing that concerns me is that you say her boyfriend isn't on board with her relationship with you and your wife, but you're not only pursuing her but also intermittently having makeout sessions with her. Why would you want to be involved with someone who's cheating on her boyfriend?
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