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Old 01-13-2014, 10:48 PM
sillych sillych is offline
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Default Exploring Poly after Divorce?

Hey all!

I'm going through a divorce, which anyone knows who has left a relationship is full of ups and downs. We were not poly but I have always been very, very interested in it. I brought up the subject several times throughout the relationship, but he preferred to have affairs, so I'm out!

I'm very interested in having multiple friends, lovers, compatriots to share my life with - be there for one another and enjoy the pleasures of life. Or just take in a movie.

But as you can imagine, I've got a can of worms and a half over here with divorce, kids, transitions, etc. While part of me wants to hunt down the Fresno Poly group and join in - part of me also knows I'm not in a place emotionally where I'm ready to date or get into anything serious. I do want to meet new people and start connecting more with people who could potentially be new friends.

My question is - for those of you who have ever transitioned from a monogamous relationship - or even long term relationship - how long do you wait before you go connect with others? I am not sure what I am looking for right now, but ready to meet new people. Can I go be part of the community without wanting to dive right in?

SillyCh
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Old 01-14-2014, 01:32 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My advice is get out and socialize. Join social groups that are based on what you enjoy.

Don't worry about dating just yet. You need to find yourself and get over your marriage first.
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Old 01-14-2014, 08:26 PM
central central is offline
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I got into a poly relationship about a year after I resumed dating after separating from my ex. I've always been interested in poly, but it wasn't an option with my ex. I met a woman who was also interested in poly, and she was the one who suggested we consider it. I was also dating another woman casually, and she was interested in her house mate (they had previously dated on and off). So, we agreed that if these others were willing, we'd give it a try. They were, so we all met and discussed how we could make it work for us. It worked quite well for over a year (N-configuration), but then our secondaries met others whom they wanted to pursue exclusively.

We sort of fell into it - it seems that it can be difficult to find or develop a poly relationship unless there is a community you can meet and date within.
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Old 01-15-2014, 12:49 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My advice is get out and socialize. Join social groups that are based on what you enjoy.
I agree with Dagferi. No reason not to socialize, you never know what could happen.

It took about 6 months before things settled enough, kids schedules etc, so that I could start dating. Honestly though, I was looking before that.
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Old 01-15-2014, 08:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I have been separated for about 3.5 years now. Our divorce will be finalized this summer. I had learned about poly while still married, after reading an acquaintance's blog about her poly life, but it was only something I was a little curious about, not something I ever considered or wanted in my marriage.

When my soon-to-be-ex first announced he wanted a divorce and moved out shortly thereafter, I was totally devastated. My world was turned upside down and shaken hard. I felt such deep shame about being rejected, and my marriage no longer working. One of the things I always thought we would work on and get through was the fact that we had not had sex for the last three years of our marriage, but here he was saying he was taking himself out of the game. One day, after it became clear that reconciliation was not happening, I realized I never would have sex with him again. It felt like the bottom had suddenly dropped out from under me. I felt like I would never have sex with anyone again and I would become a dried-up old prune! I remembered the fun I had had during my single days when I was free-spirited and pursued sex whenever I wanted. Thinking about that and the wasteland my sex life had become, I knew that now that I was alone again, I needed to feel desirable and sexy. So, I started looking to get laid. This was about four months after my husband initially left me.

And I did. And, even though my first hook-up in over 12 years with anyone other than my husband turned out to be an asshole I never want to see again, he did help me feel desired. He helped me realize that it was possible that other guys would want me, even though I was now middle-aged and my stbx hadn't wanted me for so long.

However, I was also confused because I wanted a relationship, but knew I wasn't really ready for the kind of entwined partnership I had in my marriage. I was on antidepressants and seeing a therapist, and crying almost every day. But I had a friend who told me "You should start dating." Just before I met a guy at a party and had a short-lived love affair with him, I ran into that acquaintance I mentioned earlier who had blogged about poly. So, I started reading her blog again, and other resources about polyamory, and I felt it was something that could fit in my life. So, I embraced it, joined here, and asked questions. This was about six months after my husband had moved out.

The guy I had started to see around that time wasn't interested in continuing a relationship with me, but I put myself out there on dating sites and let friends fix me up with people. I started feeling better about myself, my desirability, my life as a divorced woman, and didn't need anti-depressants anymore. Eventually I started dating more regularly and had the conversation with all the guys I was seeing that I didn't want exclusivity. Some were total duds, some worked out better than others, and some brought me great joy and ecstasy.

The last three+ years have been a rollercoaster, and I would say that it took a little over a year after my ex and I first separated to feel like I was actually ready to be in a relationship. I've had my heart broken, but I am glad that I found polyamory as a choice after my marriage ended. I just try to stay present and open to possibility, and see what happens. In my case, the local poly group is not one I want to be a part of because it is much too kink-focused and does not feel welcoming to me. But that doesn't mean your local group would not be very welcoming. I am glad I checked it out here, so I know how it is and how to adjust my expectations if I ever do choose to attend an event they are holding, so I would say check it out and see what it's like where you are. If anyone gets pushy, at the poly group or anywhere you might meet someone who is interested in you, just tell them you need to go slowly!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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