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  #11  
Old 01-14-2014, 10:09 PM
SammyKijak SammyKijak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
In sure if they went after you with allegations of inappropriate conduct with as minor your claim of having multiple personality isn't going to fly
but im not doing anything with her
shes my fiance's girlfriend
not mine
so who cares
when i hang out with her im 14 and im her friend
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  #12  
Old 01-15-2014, 03:11 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SammyKijak View Post
but im not doing anything with her
shes my fiance's girlfriend
not mine
so who cares
when i hang out with her im 14 and im her friend

Okay several things wrong here. Let me try and break it down to you from another perspective.

1) I have a 16 year old daughter. WHO SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX! If she is doing so with an 18 year old. Someone is calling the cops. PERIOD. She is underage. PERIOD.

I started dating my hubby at 16, he was 18. We were not having sex at that age. It's inappropriate and yes illegal. That's on him, true, but seeing as you are his fiance and are involved with her, delinquency of a minor, totally a possible charge against you. Sounds harsh, meant to be. You are the adult, you should know better. PERIOD. As the parents of a 16 year old who is incredibly hormonal and sex being an issue, you bet your sweet booty I would call the cops. Hell, my kid knows that even if he is also underage I will call the cops, cause we've discussed this, she's not old enough, responsible enough, or has enough value in consequences of her own actions. They would both be prosecuted in that case and I would do it.


2) When you hang out you too are a child. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?? I get it, it's a mental illness. I get it. I had a friend who would regress and the fact that she thought there was nothing wrong with doing this and letting her kids take care of her was a big problem. I have a mental illness. One that makes it impossible to function at times and leaves me catatonic.

Part of having a mental illness is being responsible for your own well being. That means, for me, that I have to be aware, I have to let my hubby know, my bf know, friends. Kids are now old enough to know and deal with things like me being slower to do things and have a hard time being motivated. NEVER, NEVER, are they responsible for my mental illness. I can tell you, seriously, that saying to anyone, in law enforcement, in the judicial system, that you were a 14 year old at the time may do only one thing for you. It will put you in a mental hospital instead of jail right away.

YOU, as yourself, as the 23 year old woman you are, knows that this is inappropriate. SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! It is not her job to help take care of you while you are a 14 year old. It is not her responsibility to say that it's inappropriate and leave the moment you change into this other personality. It is YOURS. Set your boundaries.

This is SO not about you feeling fulfilled. This is about being responsible and a mature adult, WHICH YOU ARE.

Poly doesn't mean you GET to have every relationship you want. It means you CAN have more than one relationship. There are still boundaries, there are still times that you are not healthy enough for a relationship, or a specific relationship, or that they are not. Sucks, but that's how it is, and when you have a serious mental illness it's even MORE important to have your own boundaries and are making sure you are taking appropriate actions.
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  #13  
Old 01-15-2014, 04:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
but im not doing anything with her
shes my fiance's girlfriend
not mine
so who cares
when i hang out with her im 14 and im her friend
You seem like you do not want to care, so you are making excuses to distance yourself from responsibility.

You are the 23 year old adult in this situation dating teen children. If the parents get upset with this situation if they find out from their teens or from some other fashion, it is YOU on hook.

Again, tread very carefully. You choose to participate in dating teens, you choose to not want to own responsibility for that choice? Then you are also choosing to take a serious legal risk.

We are free to choose, but not free from the possible consequences of our choices.

If you don't want to own responsibility at this time, it could be better for you to break up with the teens at this time and seek dating partners who are closer to your own age.

You can always wait for them to grow older and date them at THAT point in time instead when the "teen age factor" is no longer an issue.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-15-2014 at 04:14 AM.
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  #14  
Old 01-15-2014, 04:25 AM
SammyKijak SammyKijak is offline
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Okay several things wrong here. Let me try and break it down to you from another perspective.

1) 16 is the legal age of consent for up to age 20, it's 16-21 where it becomes illegal, so they are having a perfectly legal relationship


2) I have no idea what the child complaint is about, Radio is 14 years old that's perfectly old enough to have friends. And I don't want her in my relationship. I want her to have time with him. I'm not sexual with her. Neither are the other alters.

Therefore I am doing nothing wrong.



i have no idea why people are freaking out?? like i'm trying to let my fiance see his girlfriend why are people talking about legality theres nothing illegal happening??
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  #15  
Old 01-15-2014, 04:27 AM
SammyKijak SammyKijak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You seem like you do not want to care, so you are making excuses to distance yourself from responsibility.

You are the 23 year old adult in this situation dating teen children. If the parents get upset with this situation if they find out from their teens or from some other fashion, it is YOU on hook.

Again, tread very carefully. You choose to participate in dating teens, you choose to not want to own responsibility for that choice? Then you are also choosing to take a serious legal risk.

We are free to choose, but not free from the possible consequences of our choices.

If you don't want to own responsibility at this time, it could be better for you to break up with the teens at this time and seek dating partners who are closer to your own age.

You can always wait for them to grow older and date them at THAT point in time instead when the "teen age factor" is no longer an issue.

Galagirl
why is everyone fixated on his age!?

i DID wait for him! i waited for 3 years! i had to wait cuz i was 20 and he was 15 and i was being threatened by lawyers so i waited and npow he's 18 so why DO PEOPLE STILL WANT TO DO THIS I LOVE HIM WHY DO EPOPLE HATE ME I L9OVE HIM
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  #16  
Old 01-15-2014, 04:34 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SammyKijak View Post
why is everyone fixated on his age!?

i DID wait for him! i waited for 3 years! i had to wait cuz i was 20 and he was 15 and i was being threatened by lawyers so i waited and npow he's 18 so why DO PEOPLE STILL WANT TO DO THIS I LOVE HIM WHY DO EPOPLE HATE ME I L9OVE HIM
I can tell you with all sincerity I do not hate you. I dont' believe anyone here does. What you are finding is absolute shock, and you will find it in many other threads as well. Whenever someone comes in with a situation that is questionable.

That you waited for him to be legal, TO ME, honestly worries me more. It means you seriously see nothing wrong with skirting the law or bieng with people who are not mature enough to handle the situations you are all getting into.

You say you are suffering from multiple personalities, this is something you are aware of. So you should be working with a counselor in therapy regarding integration. I am CONSTANTLY in contact with my doctor, working on CBT and other things to keep myself mentally healthy.

Putting legalities aside, she is 16, if nothing else, I would be horribly upset at finding out my daughter at that age is dealing with such a situation. My kids have grown up around mental illness, around the queer community, and are very aware that mom is poly. They are all in the throes of deciding who they are! Their sense of self is nowhere near strong enough to deal with poly. Ethical open dating fine, being with someone that much older then themselves, not only the issue of dealing with your multiple personalities. They are at that age still deciding who and what they are! My kids change almost weekly on am I gay, am I bi, am I asexual. They are all of the above, they have time, they SHOULD have time, to figure themselves out.

Bottom line: If nothing else, that 16 year old is not ready to deal with the situation you two are putting her into.
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  #17  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:00 AM
SammyKijak SammyKijak is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I can tell you with all sincerity I do not hate you. I dont' believe anyone here does. What you are finding is absolute shock, and you will find it in many other threads as well. Whenever someone comes in with a situation that is questionable.

That you waited for him to be legal, TO ME, honestly worries me more. It means you seriously see nothing wrong with skirting the law or bieng with people who are not mature enough to handle the situations you are all getting into.

You say you are suffering from multiple personalities, this is something you are aware of. So you should be working with a counselor in therapy regarding integration. I am CONSTANTLY in contact with my doctor, working on CBT and other things to keep myself mentally healthy.

Putting legalities aside, she is 16, if nothing else, I would be horribly upset at finding out my daughter at that age is dealing with such a situation. My kids have grown up around mental illness, around the queer community, and are very aware that mom is poly. They are all in the throes of deciding who they are! Their sense of self is nowhere near strong enough to deal with poly. Ethical open dating fine, being with someone that much older then themselves, not only the issue of dealing with your multiple personalities. They are at that age still deciding who and what they are! My kids change almost weekly on am I gay, am I bi, am I asexual. They are all of the above, they have time, they SHOULD have time, to figure themselves out.

Bottom line: If nothing else, that 16 year old is not ready to deal with the situation you two are putting her into.
she doesnt have to be with him if she doesnt want to be but they love each other and he and i love each other
i waited for him cuz i love him i NEED TO be with him
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  #18  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:06 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I am personally of the opinion that once I learned to not NEED to be with someone, my relationships got healthier. I love my husband, we have built a life together, twenty years, three kids, been through more than you can imagine. For a long time I felt that way, that I NEEDED him. It made me do things that weren't healthy, it caused me to put up with things that weren't healthy, and it was not a good time. Learning that I could survive without him was hard, but I worked at it, so that I could learn that you CHOOSE to be with someone, to share with someone and to work together to build a life. At the same time, you have to be your own person, growing in your own way.

If you can't, if you literally feel you can NOT survive without someone, that's not love, that's dependence and can too easily be dangerous, definitely unhealthy. You NEED yourself, healthy, happy and strong. If you can be that with them and without them, then fine. If not, then the relationship is in trouble.

Love, isnt' enough, it's a sad fact of life. It takes so much more than just loving each other to be together. That is what I meant about being poly. Loving someone doesn't mean you can be with them or that you should. Even if you desperately want to.

Is that the case here? I don't know, couldn't tell you. Just know that it's a dangerous precedent to set that you HAVE to be with someone, that you NEED them.

I don't want to be without my husband or my boyfriend. But I can be. I would be sad, heartbroken and regretful, but I could do it, and move on. Your first relationship should always be with you, don't substitute that with an outside relationship.
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  #19  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:40 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I agree that you really need to step back. Let the teens and you can use that time learning and being independent. Im sure the parents of this girl won't care that your "other personality" is 14. You arent 14. You're anv adult and you enable my teenage daughter to have .
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  #20  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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If she was an elder then you could have to consider geriatric age concerns. She is a teen, so you could consider the concerns of that decade.

You are not having sex with her. But you are poly shipping with her in your network.

I am pointing out that if you are in polyship in "V" shape where your hinge is 18 and your metamour is 16, you basically deal in teen people in your polyship network. When you are 23 and your polyship people are teens, you COULD consider the effects of their ages might have for success in shared polyship.

You do not HAVE to, but you could consider:
  • They will be less mature, because they are still growing.
  • If the teens get a bee in their bonnet, they could mess with you, your property, etc in some teen tantrum because they may not have emotional maturity fully developed.
  • You have to deal with parents more, because they are dependents living at home.
    • If the parents don't even know about you, and you all keep it hidden and they find out, that isn't going to ENDEAR you to them. Be aware.
    • If the parents do not like you, they can make waves and try to use the laws to break you guys up/make your life hell. Be aware.

You have ALREADY experienced being threatened by lawyers by your potential in-laws in dating their son. It wasn't fun sounding.

When you polyship with him and he dates a 16 year old, that could mean you open the door to HER parents coming at (you and him) with THEIR upset/lawyer stuff.

You also could open the door to "pass the buck" -- if they get upset with him that he led her into polyshipping/teen sex, he can blameshift on to you that he learned about sex and polyshipping from YOU. It wouldn't be right to play "pass the buck" and make YOU the scapegoat, but... it is a risk to consider because she happens to be in your network and she happens to be this age.


If this is the price of admission you are willing to pay, cool beans. Go ahead. Polyship with him while he dates a 16 yr old.

If not up for more lawyer crazy? Or so you don't have to feel almost sorry for her or guilty?
  • You could stop polyshipping and ask the hinge to break up with the other girl and be free of her and the risk her parents/lawyers could come after (you + him)
  • You could break up with him and be free of her and him both. Move on to date other people.
  • You could put the relationships with them "on ice" and date others while waiting for her to come of age. Your hinge could also decide to put it on ice with her and wait so as not to bring harm to his other partner -- YOU.
  • could do something else I cannot think of at this time.

Do not HAVE to... Just pointing out some coulda for you if you wish to consider.

In one moment you say this:

Quote:
i don't see her as competition and would love it if we could both be cuddling with him at the same time while watching movies and stuff. she's just not quite there yet, so i really want to make sure he is spending enough alone time with her, but yeah i don't know how to really approach the situation.
Are you able to see how that statement could sound like you want the shared BF to come lure her into a puppy pile with you since she won't talk to you direct? That may not be how you meant it, but are you able to see how it could seem that way to strangers?

Then you say this:

Quote:
as for the laws, i can legally date him, but not her, which is fine as i am not only not interested in her like that but also due to her being completely straight.
Which could have ended it there.

But when you follow it with this -- which contradicts the previous wish to puppy pile and seems unusual...

Quote:
I refuse to romantically associate with her due to her age. Also, I have multiple personalities and the one that hangs out with her is 14 so technically she's older.
... its going to raise eyebrows.

When people try to tell you variants of "Just be careful over there" instead of saying "Alright. Fair enough. Being careful won't kill anyone" you seem to get upset.

I'm just some internet stranger. What you ultimately do is your business, not mine. Do as ye will -- but could consider being careful when you do it.

That is all I'm saying.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-15-2014 at 07:20 AM.
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