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  #1  
Old 01-11-2014, 01:45 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Unpleasant Situations

Tonight, my partner is doing something very nice for his significant other (the one who was there before me). And, before, this would have made me happy...and I still am happy for him, genuinely, because he enjoys romantic gestures like this (and this is a pricy one!).

But I know she won't enjoy it...and she'll complain to her new guy, tomorrow, how horrible my partner is to her.

I don't care, anymore, about this kind of thing...I think I should, but I just can't get angry about it anymore. It's just, one of those things, you know? But, in case I do slip, I'm wondering what other people do in those situations. When your partner has to do something for someone who just doesn't seem worth it, when you're doing so much to try to make him or her happy, and it doesn't seem "fair." And you have to just "get over it." Indulge myself in a bubble bath and not think about them for a few hours? Let myself just get really, really upset (like, deliberately worse than I even really feel), cry, and drain the emotions?

Last edited by PolyinPractice; 01-11-2014 at 01:47 AM.
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Old 01-11-2014, 01:54 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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I don't know about your coping mechanisms, but I've found giving in and boo-hooing only makes me feel worse. When DH is off doing something really nice for a paramour, I get my happy ass out of my house and over to my best friend's. We went to see the Chippendales dance once, go shopping, sit and drink coffee and talk. Even if we're talking about the situation with my hubby, she helps me put things in perpective and reminds me if his love for me. We frequently have 1 or 2 other crazy women friends join us and start cackling amongst ourselves. It's much healthier for my state of mind and I can be happy when I see him in the morning. Hot tub & spiked hot chocolate? Hell, my bestie would move in with me!
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Old 01-11-2014, 02:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why are you co concerning yourself over his other relationship? Their dynamic has nothing to do with you. You manage your relationship with him and let him manage his relationships. If he is coming to you with complaints about her, tell him to stop that. It is not your business.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #4  
Old 01-11-2014, 02:51 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernGal View Post
I don't know about your coping mechanisms, but I've found giving in and boo-hooing only makes me feel worse. When DH is off doing something really nice for a paramour, I get my happy ass out of my house and over to my best friend's. We went to see the Chippendales dance once, go shopping, sit and drink coffee and talk. Even if we're talking about the situation with my hubby, she helps me put things in perpective and reminds me if his love for me. We frequently have 1 or 2 other crazy women friends join us and start cackling amongst ourselves. It's much healthier for my state of mind and I can be happy when I see him in the morning. Hot tub & spiked hot chocolate? Hell, my bestie would move in with me!
Oh, this has nothing to do with his love for me. It's simply it used to get to me when he'd bend over backward and no appreciation. Like the ungrateful cousin your grandmother still buys nice presents for? Honestly, the night's started and I feel fine. But hot tub and spiked hot chocolate sound perfect!
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Old 01-11-2014, 03:10 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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I feel you. I even remember that cousin. It's not really a problem I have. Leo is good at picking them, with the exception of one. There was a lot of anger mixed in with the jealousy around her, some of it my personal issues, some her actions and his, so I guess that's why I needed to be reminded of being loved then. Kept me from doing anything stupid. lol

Enjoy your night and know that your turn will come for being treated special soon enough.
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  #6  
Old 01-11-2014, 03:30 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I do think that he should refrain from discussing her with you since the way she acts bothers you. Stay out of the loop and Youll be stress free
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:22 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why are you co concerning yourself over his other relationship? Their dynamic has nothing to do with you. You manage your relationship with him and let him manage his relationships. If he is coming to you with complaints about her, tell him to stop that. It is not your business.
Exactly this. Crying because your partner is doing something that wont be fully appreciated by the person he is doing it for shows you are way too involved in his other relationships. I think you need to work on having that mental separation
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:32 AM
annakas annakas is offline
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Perhaps the gestures and presents your boyfriend does to his other girlfriend just aren't in her love language, and while they are nice they aren't what she needs or craves to feel loved and appreaciated. So she complains about how she doesn't feel loved or appreaciated by her boyfriend.

The gestures he makes might be in yours though, and if he did them to you you'd would feel the warm fussies, so from your POV he is treating her like a goddess and she is ungrateful.

Have to agree with the others tough, there is some leaky hinge or metamour thing going on. When one of them starts to overshare about the others treatment of them and how ungrateful & bad it is then just shut it down, it is poisoning the well for you. Unless the complaints are about abuse, then listen and run far away from the toxic situation, otherwise tell one/both of them to not complain about their relationship to you, because you can't be a neutral unpartial listener in this siuation. And the leaking is ruining your ability to be supportive of their relationship and see it in a good light.
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