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  #31  
Old 01-17-2014, 05:05 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
To me, "I rarely develop feelings" doesn't necessarily equal "it's difficult and time-consuming for me to maintain relationships". I don't develop feelings as often as most people, but once I connect with a right person, maintaining a relationship is almost effortless because we're highly compatible (I don't develop feelings for people who don't share my core values and relationship views). So I can understand being mono because it takes too much effort to cultivate and maintain relationships, but I don't understand being mono because you rarely develop feelings. I guess it's probably not the only reason those people choose mono though.
You're right that it's not synonymous, I'm just pointing out it's a possibility.

Another possibility is that you can connect with people who are completely incompatible. A quirk of attraction can mean you fall for people who are, for whatever reason, in a self-destructive, self-hating mode of their life so that you can love them all you want but can't get involved without also destroying yourself.

You can then tamp down said attraction because you aren't highly compatible, but from judging posts in this forum and other forums, a lot of people can't and proceed to have destructive relationships form that hurt everyone.
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  #32  
Old 01-17-2014, 05:39 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Another possibility is that you can connect with people who are completely incompatible. A quirk of attraction can mean you fall for people who are, for whatever reason, in a self-destructive, self-hating mode of their life so that you can love them all you want but can't get involved without also destroying yourself.
Been there, done that. Slowly but surely getting the hang of it and making smarter choices. When I stop the 'I'm the rescuer' gig it makes a huge difference (especially in the energy loss department).
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  #33  
Old 01-18-2014, 03:42 AM
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I've heard some mono people say they're mono because it's rare for them to develop feelings for even one person, let alone more than one at the same time. That reason doesn't make sense to me at all. No matter how rarely I'm attracted to people, a mono relationship would still be denying my autonomy. Whether I end up having multiple partners or not isn't important, but I need to know I'm free to love whomever I want.
By the same token, putting a mono person in a poly relationship would be negating their autonomy. It would deny their right to choose a mono lifestyle.

I think a lot of people have baggage from being "forced" into mono relationships before they knew there was an alternative. Thus, they see monogamy as forcing people to have only one partner, against their will. They seem to deny the fact that choosing mono relationships is just as much an expression of autonomy as choosing poly relationships.
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  #34  
Old 01-18-2014, 03:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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however I think that everyone has the inate capacity to love more than one person
Pardon my rudeness, but I think this is crap.

It's as bad as saying "everyone has the innate capacity to love the opposite sex, they just have to find the right person."

In essence, it completely denies the feelings and reality of people who consciously identify as mono. It's saying that they're deluded about their own feelings, and that you know better than they do what they are and are not capable of.
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  #35  
Old 01-18-2014, 09:39 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oldpolyman View Post
I think that everyone has the inate capacity to love more than one person.
Pardon my rudeness, but I think this is crap.

It's as bad as saying "everyone has the innate capacity to love the opposite sex, they just have to find the right person."

In essence, it completely denies the feelings and reality of people who consciously identify as mono. It's saying that they're deluded about their own feelings, and that you know better than they do what they are and are not capable of.
I disagree, SC. Having a capacity for something, or "a mental, emotional, or physical ability or power to do, experience, or understand something" doesn't take away choice. Just because a human being has numerous potential choices in front of them and an ability take part in them does not preclude them from identifying as they choose. We humans all have the capacity to kill someone, but whether we do or not is up to us. Personally, I think the idea that we are wired one way or another is crap. We have a potential for many choices and what feels right to us is formed by many elements, such as our personality, what we are taught is acceptable, familial and societal influences, and how comfortable we are with certain choices. Think of the people raised in societies where polyandry is part of the culture, such as the Na of China. Culturally it is taught to them that having multiple partners is a-okay. Just because the majority of people in that culture live that way, does it mean they are wired for only poly? Does it mean that no one in their culture ever desires monogamy? Would saying that a Na person has the capacity to be monogamous insulting to their cultural identity that promotes and encourages having multiple relationships? I don't think so.

As I see it, the smorgasbord of possibilities are out there and the capacity to take part in them is inside us, but various factors sway us one way or another as we develop emotionally, intellectually, and physiologically.

I also think that comparing a structure for relationships to one's sexual orientation is crap. One is just a way to approach having relationships, while the other is who one is attracted to based on the internal interpretations of gender identity/biological sex/gender expression of oneself and the person to whom one is attracted. Much more complex than the question of how many people you feel comfortable having relationships with, IMHO.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #36  
Old 01-19-2014, 08:38 PM
LadyLigeia LadyLigeia is offline
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Honestly, I think it's both. I remember watching "Dawson's Creek" with my cousins as a child and I couldn't decide whether I would rather date Dawson or Pacey. I remember asking, "Why can't I date them both?" My cousin said, "Because that is a threesome and those are not good!"

Of course, that set my mind reeling...
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  #37  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:25 AM
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I think monogamy-as-preferred-relationship-style and monogamy-as-I-only-love-one-person-with-romantic-intensity tend to be conflated.

For the latter, I pretty much agree with SC on this one. Maybe it's a spectrum, but to say that we all have the innate ability to love more than one, could we then transpose that onto the gay/bi/straight spectrum and say we all have the innate ability to love someone of the same gender? Some may have that ability. Others? Not so much.

The relationship structure? Regardless of how *I* love? Yes, I believe that there's an ability to conform to certain structures, and I think that this is the societal part. It may not be my preferred relationship structure, but as long as my needs are met, then I'm good with it.

When we use the same word for personal romantic relations AND preferred relationship style, there's bound to be conflict and confusion. And that's one place where the social norm DOES fail us - the nature of de facto monogamy is that it doesn't HAVE to differentiate the two, and that's too bad.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In a relationship with Chops. Dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In a relationship with Chops.

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #38  
Old 02-14-2014, 08:12 PM
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Myrrhine1 Myrrhine1 is offline
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For me, realizing that I was in love with two people at the same time was a big eye-opener about my own sexuality and my identity. In my circumstances, I was not in multiple relationships at that time, but my feelings for the other person did not lessen one bit after over a year of almost no contact.

I feel that polyamory is part of sexual identity and therefore not a choice. I can't help my romantic or sexual attraction to more than one person at a time, but I can choose whether or not to engage in a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one person.
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  #39  
Old 02-18-2014, 08:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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It can be both
It may be both
It can be one.. or the other.. or maybe neither..

There is no one answer fits all. My parents were monogamous.. period
I wasn't..

I have friends who grew up in poly families..
she is monogamous..
he isn't

See a pattern?...
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  #40  
Old 02-20-2014, 03:35 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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This all goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate.

One side can say, "Look. I like who I like. I'm a female for whom males are not arousing in the least. Trying to be heterosexual would fail and it's insulting that you'd tell me I should try."

The other side can point to the fact that some people "try" polyamory and are surprised that they like it. Or they "try" polyamory and don't. "Try" being analogous with making a choice.

But is that truly making a choice or is it allowing yourself to discover who you were, but didn't give yourself the chance to be (because of internal or societal influences)?

Theoretically, it makes sense that anyone could be attracted to any type of relationship style given the right circumstances. Does that mean that we all have an innate poly nature, but it is changed by society?

I really don't think there will ever be an answer. And I'm fine with that.
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