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Old 01-10-2014, 01:57 AM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Default My husband's girlfriend is great but her husband...

I need a bit of advice and the like, but first I guess you will need some back ground.
Recently my husband and I (together 13 years, open/poly for 6) spent a week with his girlfriend (who i'll call R) and her husband (who I'll call D). We moved away for work a few years ago but my husband and R have maintained a long distance relationship and each time we go home he catches up with her. The week together was great, I am great friends with R and and although we look very different we are very similar in other ways and it is easy to see why my husband is attracted to both of us. At times R and I have played together both with and without my husband. D and I have played together in the past but I just don't have a strong connection to him like my husband and R have with each other. D works in a job were he is away on business a lot (he is usually away for 2 weeks and home for 2 weeks). This has meant that most of the time when we or just my husband has met up with R, D is away for work. This time however he was home the whole week.

At times things were great but at other time D made comments that were hard to work out, things like when my husband paid D a compliment D would say "well you have to say that, you are fucking my wife" or he would make comments about who fucks his wife better. D also makes a lot more money than my husband and he would bring this up too, like making comments how he is the one who could provide for two women. All these comments started to make both me and husband feel a bit uncomfortable around him. After the week was over my husband also told me R has not told D that she loves my husband (my husband told me he was going to say it to R before he did).

So what advice I need is how to do handle handle these comments from D in the future.
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Old 01-10-2014, 02:16 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Maybe he has a crass sense of humor, Maybe he's being passive aggressive. I would mention to him that his comments make you uncomfortable and if he has issues with the situation you'd like to address it head on.
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Old 01-10-2014, 03:51 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why not be to the point.

Tell him his comments are crass and offensive .
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Old 01-10-2014, 03:53 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
When my husband paid D a compliment D would say "well you have to say that, you are fucking my wife."
Your DH: (some kind of compliment)
D: "well you have to say that, you are fucking my wife."

Either D or You or the wife: No, I do not have to say that. I am paying you a compliment. When I pay you a compliment, and you doubt my honesty, I feel uncomfortable.

When you use the word "fuck" like that it seems to devalue the sex act and seems to be disrespectful to your wife. Please don't talk that way about your wife. When you do that, I feel uncomfortable.

I feel uncomfortable when you make comments like that because then I wonder if you have unmet wants or needs but don't want to say it straight up.

You seem to be unhappy I am your wife's lover when you make comments like that. Are you unhappy? Do you have unmet wants/needs? What could make your life wonderful?
---------------
D: (makes comments about who fucks his wife better. )

Either you, your husband, or his wife: When you make comments about who is a "better" lover, you seem to be making it a competition. It is not.

When you use the word "fuck" like that it seems to devalue the sex act and seems to be disrespectful to your wife. Please don't talk that way about your wife. When you do that, I feel uncomfortable.

I feel uncomfortable when you make comments like that because then I wonder if you have unmet wants or needs but don't want to say it straight up.

You seem to be unhappy I am your wife's lover when you make comments like that. Are you unhappy? Do you have unmet wants/needs? What could make your life wonderful?

---------------
D: (makes comments how he makes lots of money and he is the one who could provide for two women. )

you, your husband, or his wife: Yes. You could provide for two women financially quite well. You seem to need this acknowledged.

When you make comments about who is a "better" earner, you seem to be making it a competition. It is not.

I feel uncomfortable when you make comments like that because then I wonder if you have unmet wants or needs but don't want to say it straight up.

You seem to be unhappy I am your wife's lover when you make comments like that. Are you unhappy? Do you have unmet wants/needs? What could make your life wonderful?
-------------

Could not be afraid to go there, and ask a person making uncomfortable comments to STOP making uncomfortable comments or inquire wassup.

Could ask the person what's going on with them and if they are ok in themselves, if they need support of some kind to work out whatever it is, if they are still ok participating in this or not.

He's not communicating verbally very clearly. But he's communicating SOMETHING in the paraverbal by his word selection/tone. You notice and post about it, so you are not blind to the fact.

So you could respond and inquire to see what his deal is. Could be he's got awkward social skills -- you could make him aware of how he sounds, and ask if he's willing to cut that behavior out and say _____ instead so it is less awkward for all. Then you all can feel comfortable again. No biggie.

Or he could have something else going on with him.

Could not be afraid of authentic relating.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-10-2014 at 11:52 AM.
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Old 01-10-2014, 06:00 AM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Smile Thank you GalaGirl

Thanks very much for all the advice but especially to Galagirl. Those relies to D's comments are spot on to what I felt like saying but did not have the words to say it so directly and without it coming off like an attack. I am also glad you brought up the word 'fuck', because when he used it made me uncomfortable and I was not sure why seeing I swear like a sailors but you are right it is because it devalues sex and his wife.

I thought about whether to post a question to a forum like this for a few day as I was not sure how helpful the advice would be, but I really glad I did ask because this has been really helpful.
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Old 01-10-2014, 06:39 AM
london london is offline
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He's obviously uncomfortable with their relationship. Probably because he knows his wife isnt being forthcoming with him. Encourage her to be honest with her husband because It will be you and your husband who pays the price of her dishonesty.

Last edited by london; 01-10-2014 at 06:42 AM.
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  #7  
Old 01-10-2014, 11:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it helped you some. Sometimes when in the middle of feeling weird it can be hard to formulate a neutral response "in the heat of the moment."

If you want to follow up with him now, you still could. Or if you want to wait and see if he "comments" again with a new thing, now you have one way of asking that you could pull out to use.

Is he in polyhell? Did he sign up for "polysexual, but monoamorous" and senses his wife is moving toward "polysexual and polyamorous" and he's starting to wig? Is he ENVIOUS that your husband is hinge to both ladies at this time but while he experimented with you, it is now mainly (him + wife) only?

We could guess tilt he cows come home, but you won't KNOW til you ask him himself what his deal is. But def could ask him to stop talking that way. It's less than respectful to others and he could expect better than that from himself and be more self-respecting.

People talk all kinds of ways in the bedroom in private when the throes of passion. Talkin' nasty can be fun if the people enjoy that.

But the act is sex share -- not something he does TO his wife. Or something your husband does TO his wife. She is a person, not a THING. You don't do fuck to her. You fuck WITH her -- or better still... you share sex with her. In how he talks about his wife? He could treat her a whole lot better than that! Jeez.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-10-2014 at 12:18 PM.
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  #8  
Old 01-10-2014, 01:51 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blonde7915 View Post
All these comments started to make both me and husband feel a bit uncomfortable around him.
I'm against team dating for exactly this kind of scenario.

D is insecure and for good reason. If I understand the "love" topic, Husband and R have romantic feelings for each other which D is unaware of... this makes me think this is a swapping/swinging situation in his eyes. Is that true? Currently he's a fifth wheel and his posturing shows that he knows it.

Regardless, the other posters are correct in that if you insist on hanging out with this person who acts like a little kid you'll need to get really good at ignoring him or get really good at constructively confronting him. Personally I would say just don't hang out with him but that's hard to do in a team dating situation.
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