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Old 12-16-2016, 11:40 AM
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Default This is me... It's where I'm at

So I had a previous blog here. I have decided to leave it be and focus more on where I am in my life. Basically use this as my journal. I'm sure some relationship stuff will come up but this is to help me sort through what I'm feeling and get my thoughts out.

I guess the best place to start is to describe me. I'm a married mom of 2 (15 & 10) I am bi and polyamorous. I am married to a wonderful man that loves me as I am for who I am. I'm so incredibly thankful for him. He and I have been through quite a lot together over the years. Currently we are in a triad that at this moment seems to be failing. I very much am also in love with "Mustang" who is in this triad with us.

I have learned that while I am bi and in love with Infinity I do naturally tend to be attracted more to women. This is a not necessarily a new discovery, but is more so newly admitted to myself about. I have not yet discussed this with Infinity, because I'm not yet sure how to broach the subject with the current state of things in our triad.

Previously Infinity and I were in a quad that failed. Infinity and I ended up separating due to issuse in our marriage. I continued with the couple from our quad and we became a triad. It lasted around 6 months before it ended. 3 months after that Infinity and I reconciled and spent the next 5 years working on our marriage. We put in some MAJOR work and once we were in a good place for a while we decided to open our marriage again. Once we did we discovered a few issues that we thought were fully handled but have risen to the surface some. They are being worked through now. They are not major and can be handled with some work and time.

The state of our current triad with Mustang is in limbo. We are all deciding exactly what it is we want, need, and what we feel is best for us all. I have done a lot of soul searching and been very brutally honest with myself. I have had to admit and accept some things about me and my sexuality (?sp). I know what I want now and am having to cultivate patience while I wait on them to figure out what it is exactly that they want, need, and can handle.

I personally want the 3 of us together as a family. I know triads are hard and take a lot of work. I see how amazing the 3 of us could be doing life together as a single family unit. I know that may not happen. If it doesn't happen then I still want Infinity and Mustang as my partners. I know a V type relationship is not necessarily easier but I know it is doable. In that scenario I would be the hinge and would have to work at learning how to handle that. It would leave me with 2 separate families both needing me and my time and attention. I am up for that challenge if it is presented. Both Infinity and Mustang know what my wants and needs are. I have made them very plainly known.

The hard part for me right now is the just having to wait. While I'm a fairly patient person I do have my limits. I also have made my mind up and once I have made my mind up I go after what I want. It's hard for me to sit back and wait on someone else to make a decision.
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Old 12-16-2016, 05:45 PM
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Today I'm forcing myself to contemplate what life may look like without Mustang in it as my partner. I know that is a possibility and I'm someone that prepares for the worst while hoping for the best. Honestly don't want to consider what it will be like to fall back into a friendship only while I have to watch her pick up and move on. I don't want her to move on from me. I want her to stay with me.

This morning when I first saw her my jaw all but hit the floor. She looked amazing! I see her every day, and I always get that knee jerk butterflies in your tummy reaction to seeing her, but this morning it was all more intense. I saw her dressed up more and that's not something I usually get to see. Just does something to you to see someone you love in a way you don't often get to see them.

I did tell Infinity and Mustang that if our triad is over, which it seems to be, I'd like to sit down and talk to them about continuing my relationship with Mustang. Mustang said I need to talk to Infinity about that because it has more to do with my marriage and if Infinity would be ok with it. I have talked to Infinity but I want to include Mustang in these talks because it also affects her. Only she can decide what she is willing to try and what she can handle. Only Infinity and Mustang can decide how much they want to interact with each other and what their comfort levels are.

To say I'm not scared or worried about any of this would be a lie. I'm so very scared of loosing Mustang as a partner. It would be no different if I knew Infinity was possibly going to leave me. Considering life without Mustang is like considering life without Infinity. It's all painful. It's not something I want to think about.

On the other hand I have to think what if Mustang wants to continue her relationship with me? We do life together well, but can I give her what she needs sexually? Not something I have had to think about because all of those needs were easily met with Infinity and I both involved in a sexual relationship with her. Also think what if it's to hard for her to be in a relationship with me when she wants one with Infinity as well and can't have it. I can't imagine what it would be like to see 2 people you love and want showing love to each other but only 1 of them showing love to you.
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Old 12-17-2016, 01:28 PM
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Today is going to be hard. Coming to terms with the end of the triad I have been in. Trying to figure out how to supportive of both my partners and myself as we deal with the emotions that come from it ending. Hoping that Mustang will not decide to end our relationship also and if she doesn't how I separate the 2 relationships to avoid Infinity and Mustang being uncomfortable around each other right now.

I have so many thoughts and emotions running through me. I'm hurting and sad and honestly slightly angry and yes I'd have to say even selfish right now. I have not had nearly enough sleep, and trying to process all of this is difficult and exhausting. I don't even really know where to start.
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:28 PM
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Today I am calm. That is a good thing.
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Old 12-19-2016, 12:19 PM
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Decided I'm not going to give up on my relationship with Mustang, but I am going to handle things differently. I'm at a new place after spending some time thinking. I'm a fairly serious and straight forward person. I don't play games with people. I have made it known to Mustang previously how I feel so there is no confusion there. Now, I'm just going to work on cultivating our friendship more and just be there if or when she needs me. If she wants this relationship it will grow to more, if not then I can and will be a great friend.

I realized I had started to become this neurotic I need you and some kind of commitment from you fool. I got caught up in NRE and lost track of what was important. I had gotten so caught up I had lost the fun part of me that does exist despite me being fairly serious the majority of the time. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at yourself. You may not realize changes happening with yourself that you need to work on otherwise.

Last edited by StumblingAlong; 12-19-2016 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 12-20-2016, 11:40 AM
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Confusion reigns!
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:07 PM
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Right now, I just don't know.
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Old 12-24-2016, 01:50 PM
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Stumbling, it sounds like you could use some feedback! Most blogs don't get feedback unless you specifically ask for some. You could do that here, or start a thread in the Relationships forum.

I am going to jump in here and tell you my thoughts.

So, you have a triad that seems to be ending and evolving into a V. You have fears about that. One fear is, you're afraid that you can't fulfill all of Mustang's sexual needs. She's bi and likes the cock? Maybe she also likes romance with a man. Are you OK with her having a male lover that isn't your husband Infinity? (My female anchor partner and I are both bi and date men, and we don't share bfs. It works great for us.)

You have an ideal fantasy of a family style triad where you all live together. This isn't everyone's cup of tea. Living together can be difficult. Are you OK with giving up on that (very hard to actualise) idea and going with a well functioning V (or N shape, if Mustang still wants to date other men)?

Vs are actually very very common in polyamory, and much more likely to succeed than triads. So you might be headed down a path that has a good chance of working. It can actually be very fun to be in one partner's world for a while, and then shift gears and be in the other partner's world. Then you can focus 100% on the one you're with. This can be great, as long as all 3 involved are also fine with that. Would Infinity be OK with that? Is Mustang very disappointed that things aren't working out with her and Infinity? So much so, that she is turned off to you as well, at least for now? Find out.

Allow Mustang and Infinity the space to each deal with the end of their sexual/romantic relationship. Perhaps they need to go "no contact" for a while, to take time to grieve and move on a bit. (40 days of no meetings, no phone, no FB stalking, is recommended.) In that case, don't you be bringing up the subject of Infinity to Mustang, or vice versa. If one of them brings up the other to you, you could tell them you aren't the right person to talk to about it, since you're too close to the situation. Suggest they talk to another friend, one who knows about the poly situation and can be supportive and non-judgmental, or talk to a counselor.

I hope you don't mind me offering my thoughts.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (34, poly, my Top)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 12-24-2016, 04:37 PM
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Thank you.
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Old 12-26-2016, 02:26 AM
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Things right now are good. Life seems to be settling some and the chaos I was feeling has lifted at least for the moment. Christmas this year was spent apart. Hopefully in the future that will change.
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