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Old 02-25-2017, 07:15 AM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default The whole self of Aquamarine

Hello everybody,

I wanted to start this blog to reflect my efforts to find my ítrueí self. Lately, a process of getting to the bottom of my issues has been going on, and I wanted to share this journey on this forum. It was kick-started by the rapid development of the relationship between my wife and her new girlfriend. Surely, my journey had been primed by events, sickness, relationships, and mental/intellectual/emotional development during past years, but the effects of the process definitely peaked during the past 3 months. More is probably coming, still.

So basically, I will pour my heart out about some very private matters I happen to be dealing with at any given moment. I hope the possibility to reflect this process in public gives me some clarity what on earth I am doing, and where to go next. If you have comments, questions, advice, please feel free to share them with me.

I want to introduce myself and my poly-family. This first step seems already troubling. I donít know how to identify myself. I donít know who I should include in my family. At this moment, it goes like this:

Me (Aquamarine): 38 years old person questioning her (?) gender, probably bi or pan or something, kinky, poly, introvert, weird
Kay: 47 years old woman, lesbian, kinky, poly, my wife for 3.5 years, been together 5.5 years

I keep wondering if Kayís family is my family, too. Just recently, one of her teenage kids, hence to be called TeenKid here, decided to finally move in with us after talking about it for couple of years. I guess that makes me a social parent now, but the thing is so new Iím still in a state of denial basically. In addition, Kay has a new girlfriend, but I donít consider her as part of my family. Nevertheless, the new girlfriend is an important person also in my life, as she is important for my wife. I will call her Cat for now.

I will post a couple of other posts about my background and the current issues.
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Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #2  
Old 02-25-2017, 07:17 AM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default My background

My background:

I was raised with a strict religious upbrining. Heteronormative, monogamous relationships within marriage were expected. Sexuality in general was discouraged and even demonized. Solo sex was completely forbidden. Against this dark background, I consider myself well healed. Still, the unhealthy assumptions were reflected in my relationships for a long time. Only during the recent 5-10 years I have been able to start to accept my ídevianceí in terms of sexuality. I am, after all, somewhere along the LGBTI scale. And poly. And kinky. Iím also uncertain my gender. Sometimes I wonder why canít I be just an ordinary person. It would be so much easier. My therapist asked me if it was possible that I was all those things just to rebel against my upbringing. Well, perhaps I am? But how could I know the difference? Those things are part of my íselfí, and denying them as a mere rebel would be denying me. So, how does it even matter?

In terms of previous relationships, I have had five serious relationships, of which one is still going on. Serious means living together here. Four of my serious relationships have been with men. And the one relationship I have right now is with a woman. I donít miss men. I donít know if that makes me lesbian or what, but I just donít care. I believe that my sexual orientation is pan, to be exact. For 15 years, I embraced the identity of a bisexual. Nowadays, pansexual seems to be more ípolitically correctí term and also more accurate description of my sexuality.

For a long time, I tried to live as a mono. I often failed. As a teen, I ended up cheating, because I didnít know how to talk about difficult issues. That ability has developed only very slowly, but after the first, painful attempts with cheating, I learned how to at least to agree with different arrangements. The second serious relationship involved openness to sex with others, but the guy couldnít handle the situation, after all, when I had some with other people. The third serious relationship was very serious indeed, and I tried to be mono. However, I still didnít know how to really discuss difficult issues and problems, and we separated. It was painful, but I slowly started to realize that perhaps I really am not mono, despite my desparate attempts to pretend one. Perhaps I should accept myself? However, my insecurities made it really difficult to open the fourth serious relationship. We did, eventually, and I started to grow as a person. Unfortunately, we grew to separate directions with O. Nevertheless, the situation allowed and forced me to really grow and become an adult (from the age of 33 or so).

I will later post about my current situation and the latest issues.
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Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #3  
Old 02-25-2017, 08:27 AM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default My current situation and issues

As I wrote in my first post, my need to write here about my issues was initiated by the new, fast developing relationship between my wife Kay and her new girlfriend Cat. Opening our (me+Kay) relationship in this new way triggered some serious emotional and defence work for me. My basic sense of insecurity brutally surfaced, and I needed to work really hard to deal with my emotions. (Btw, I forgot to mention in my first post that Iím highly sensitive person, so my emotions are always strong, but this particular rollercoaster was out of scale.) Me and Kay talked and talked, and then talked again after I felt guilty about ícomplainingí. Talking was still difficult for me, as I feared getting abandonned, but we did it, and it helped a lot. I realized I need to base my sense of security on a wider variety of things/relationships/experiences, not just on this one person, even though sheís my wife. So my process of building my own sense of security is on its way, and Iím hopeful Iíll be fine.

However, more emotional work will be needed. Unconveniently, Kayís child TeenKid decided to move in with us shortly after Kay and Cat started to build their relationship. The timing is awkward. Kay is extremely stressed, as suddenly three people constantly require her attention. I try to support her the best I can. Meanwhile, I start to realize I now actually live with a teenage person. I have no idea how to take me time without being rude. As I am quite introverted, I would need tons of me time. I was just becoming happy about having more me time due to the new relationship between Kay and Cat. Well, now there is much less me time. Before, when TeenKid was just visiting for a weekend or a vacation, I used to put my own issues aside to give attention to TeenKid. In this new situation, my excuse to sometimes ignore TeenKid has been work, which I have been busy with. Work is not me time, though. Boundary setting is hard for me, and I donít yet know a nice way to say that sorry, I donít have the energy to listen to you blabber. Advice would be certainly appreciated in this matter!

My third major issue is my gender. My female body sometimes feels wrong. However, questioning my own gender is frightening. For now, itís enough to say that this issue would require processing in the future. I mention it here because my signature says Ēmostly femaleĒ. I try to postpone dealing with it, to give myself time.

I think I stop here and write new posts later on.
__________________
Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #4  
Old 02-26-2017, 08:49 AM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Sex

I suddenly realized I can write about my need of sex, too, on this forum. Funny, huh? I haven't had that many places I could discuss it besides with Kay.

I have a strong libido. I would love to have sex almost every day, or several times a day during several days per a week. That hasnít been possible for many years now (if ever) for various reasons, including my now past period of depression. Still, a few years ago I used to think sex ALL the time. Then I decided it was exhausting, frustrating and time-consuming. So I started to focus my thoughts more on other things: work, hobbies, health, relationships. Now I feel my libido is hibernating. On one hand, it is a considerable relief, because the frustration issue was becoming real. On the other hand, I wonder if I have re-adopted or continued a habit of ignoring my bodily needs, as I was taught as a kid. Sex interweaves emotional, bodily, even intellectual needs in a way I still find frustrating. Focusing on work or hobbies doesnít remove my need of sexual relief. Sometimes I wish it would.

Personally, I think I have a stronger sex drive than Kay. She seems to agree. We do have sex when we have time, and itís always wonderful, passionate and satisfying. Still, I would enjoy having it more often. Quality is supposed to substitute quantity, but I just fail to see why I wouldnít want to have that amazing sex more often. Kay says more often would mean lousier sex, so we go like this. I have been ok with two weekends a month. Once a month is already frustrating for me (and with íonceí I mean 1-5 times during the weekend).

However, now TeenKid has moved in with us, and Kay has a new girlfriend. We (me+Kay) obviously have less alone time. I expect we will have considerably less time for sex. Surely our situation lessens also my sex drive. I donít have the energy or the mood, when Iím stressed, and believe me, I am stressed, and so is Kay.

Still, I have a faint hope I could have more sex. Surely solo sex is a good option, which I definitely use whenever I can. Along my improving health, my hopes are rising about having sex with other people. I am completely surprised that I would totally prefer Kay for sex, whenever she is available. This is the first time ever I prefer my own partner for sex after 5 years together. I guess our relationship and chemistry works. Like: oh, THIS is what it was supposed to be. Another good thing is I have finally let go my old misconception that a happy and satisfying relationship would magically turn me into a mono.

So, new persons would be an option. Not right now, though. Itís quite enough effort to try and learn how to live with a teen. All my re-gained reserves of energy go to that. In addition, I really need to figure out what kinds of relationships I would be searching for. I think Iíll write about that later. I find it comforting, though, that I might be able to let my hibernating libido to wake up at some point in the future.
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Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #5  
Old 03-04-2017, 05:28 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default No time or energy for more ppl

Geez. Ppl I love have problems - I won't specify them here. My role is to offer support and help, if I can.

Worrying and supporting others drain my energy. I wanted to think about what kind of relationships I could possibly initiate and have, but there is not much room even for thinking. Sometimes it's just surviving to the end of the day.

When I'm having rough times, I tend to retreat to myself. Ppl are exhausting, and new ppl are especially exhausting. I'm quite introverted, you know. Sometimes I think being poly gets wasted. Maybe later, who knows.

It's frustrating to be this cryptic. I would want to open up, but I feel I can't. I hope I can continue reflecting poly-possibilities later on.
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Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #6  
Old 03-10-2017, 05:20 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Met the metamour again

Surviving, work, work, work, suviving.

Yesterday, Kay's GF Cat visited us for dinner. She even got to meet TeenKid. It was nice, I think. Just everyday chit-chat, nothing special.

I didn't have any energy to be specially prepared for our guest, as I still think of Cat. We have now met three times, so we are not that close. Energy-wise, I figured if she is going to hang around in my house, I might just as well to live quite normally. However, I used her visit as an excuse or a pressure to get some cleaning done in our house. Everybody wins.

My former fantasies about some kind of poly-lifestyle with all adults more present in each others' lives suffered somewhat from my experience. I'm too introverted for this shit... There were 3 other people in our home (Kay, TeenKid and Cat). And it was a little bit too much for me. Of course Cat and TeenKid were a bit nervous to meet each other for the first time, and it showed in their presence, but still. For me, it was already a crowd. I then went back and forth: A short time to talk with them, then to another room to do something just by myself, then back to them.

My too heavy workload didn't help, and I also prepared the dinner. After spending some extra hours in my study, I was too cranky to ask for help... Which is typical for me, nothing to do with poly issues.

So, a bit of normal life without any major problems or even minor issues. Nice!

I'm really looking forwad to get some rest. I really really hope it's gonna happen during this weekend. I'm exhausted.
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Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #7  
Old 03-12-2017, 08:55 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Default New person?

Wow. Am I already getting my wish?

For a few months, Iíve been somewhat interested in, or at least curious about a colleague. Weíre not working together, but sort of hang around within the same organization. Some time ago she friended me on facebook, which was a pleasant surprise. She seems to be weird enough we could get along nicely, maybe as friends, or even more. However, we havenít actually talked, and during the recent surviving mode I have not thought about her much.

But. Just now, she asked me to go and have a coffee/bear with her sometimes, because of something I posted on facebook. I was so glad I immediately ran to Kay to tell her about it. As is her habit, Kay encouraged me with her little jokes: ĒWhy she didnít ask you for a date right away! Her interest is obvious.Ē Well, her interest is not obvious to me. But my hopes got up really quickly. Despite my energy deficiency, Iím eager to get to know her and find out if we can develop a friendship or something more. Then I of course got really nervous. What do I say to her? What do I wear? Is it a date, or just colleagues over a beer? What if I need to talk to her? What does she want from me? Am I able to ídeliverí?

Then I realized I would need to figure out quite fast what I want. It seems we will meet within a few days. Shit, I donít know what I want! I want to know her as a person, so that is probably a good starting point. I imagine I would want to find out if we have any sexual vibes. Sure, why not if that comes naturally (it never does, Iím too nervous with women). Beyond that, I donít have a clue. I donít know if I have the energy to start anything more than chat over a beer. I donít know if itís ok to try and find out. I donít want to hurt anybody (including me), but I donít want to lock myself away from the world, either.

Btw, the goal to rest didn't happen as much as I wished for this weekend. Let's see if the next week is more gentle.
__________________
Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #8  
Old 03-15-2017, 02:06 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Default Marriage

Me and Kay got married today. So we are not 'registered' any more as during the past 3,5 years, but in a regular marriage. The laws in Finland about marriage and 'gay marriage' or registered partnership changed in the beginning of March.

So congratulations to us! It is awesome to be accepted in the societal level.
__________________
Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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  #9  
Old 03-17-2017, 08:55 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Default Was it a date?

I met my colleague over a beer/cider. I was very happy to hang with her. I still donít know if it was a date or not.

We talked about work, and hobbies we share. However, the very first thing she said to me was: ĒSo, you got married! That was a surprise!Ē She had seen me and Kayís fb-posts about getting married. I was really surprised she didnít know already, because my ígay-marriedí status was earlier visible in fb.

So suddenly the situation is again all too much about polyamory. I really like this person. I even noticed myself thinking afterwards that I hope she would somehow stay in my life. A strong indication of my improved self-esteem is my feeling that perhaps she likes me, too. Usually I have been blind to other peopleís interest in me.

The only immediate problem seems to be that in my opinion, she was a bit scared by me being married. I felt she was planning to hide behind work issues and our work community. Kind of: letís meet within a group of colleagues. On the other hand, she readily agreed to meet again also just the two of us.

I think this means I should soon come out as a poly to her. I have no idea how to do that casually. Iím afraid it will spook her off, but what can I do? Pretend I only want to be friends? Pretending is probably not a healthy base for a relationship. I just have to find a way to let her know.

Somehow I donít consider the option to just drop it altogether, to save my energy. If this thing goes sideways, it will be painful. Getting rejected is painful. Finding out the relationship doesnít work against both partiesí wishes is painful. Still, I want to find out what is possible with this particular person.

At least I finally got my weekend off. Rest is on the schedule.
__________________
Aquamarine: 38, (mostly) female, pan, poly
Kay: 47, lesbian, poly, my wife for 3y, been together 5.5y
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