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  #1  
Old 09-08-2015, 11:55 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Default Leaf on the Wind

Iíve decided to start a blog here because Iíve found other blogs helpful and because writing about things really helps me process my thoughts. I apologize in advance if my life is largely boring. The fault is entirely my own. I mostly like it that way. And please pardon this extremely long first post!

People:

Autumn: As I posted over here, Iím a bisexual female. I said late twenties there, but Iím starting to consider myself thirtyish. Nerdy, intelligent, introverted.

Guitarist: Husband, long-term partner, best friend. Thirtyish, male, hetflex, formerly monogamous. Nerdy, intelligent, introverted, brilliantly creative. Social justice warrior and feminist in all the best ways.

Purr: Guitaristís girlfriend. Thirtyish, female, pansexual, polyamorous. A kitten in the shape of a human adult female, very fluffy, very snuggly, so cute you just want to pet her and protect her from the world.

Marian: Current interest. Mid-twenties, female, bisexual, polyamorous. Well-read, intelligent, articulate, fun.

Flame: Long-distance best friend. Male, fortyish, straight, monogamish. Nerdy, intelligent, fun. Emotionally bent but unbroken. All around cool guy.

Then:

I identified as lesbian from ages 9 to 19. My first crushes were all on really hot celebrity women, and it took a long time for me to realize that in real life tend to want to be physically intimate with people Iím emotionally intimate with and it doesnít seem to matter what their plumbing looks like. In middle school, I secretly dated another girl until she broke my heart. Itís hard to hear that every lesbian lives a horrible and persecuted life, and that the girl youíre totally in puppy love with doesnít want to be one. It didnít help that my parents are homophobic and I was extremely closeted.

I spent most of high school being nerdy, introverted, and pretending to be straight. Iím not sure I was very successful at it. I had to break up with my first boyfriend when he wanted the sex. I had to break up with my second boyfriend when he also wanted the sex. By the end of high school Iíd settled into a comfortable sexless LDR with a much, much older man Iíd briefly met on the local college campus. I was 17. He was 26. After it was completely legal, I discovered that I enjoy physical intimacy with people Iím emotionally intimate with, regardless of what their plumbing looks like. But it stayed an LDR because he was not financially independent from his parents. Weíll call him FirstFiance.

I went to college. It was an eye-opening experience. Even my small, conservative, religious school was awash with anti-authoritarianism, sex, and homosexuality. I cautiously came out to my friends. They were overwhelmingly supportive.

I applied for a study abroad program for my minor in a foreign language. FirstFiance urged me to fully explore on my study abroad. He said that he didnít mind if I had a romantic or sexual relationship, as long as I didnít tell him about it. I was completely flabbergasted. Iíd never heard of any such thing before. After lots of reassurances on his part, I took him at his word.

I had an amazing relationship with a woman overseas. We briefly kicked around the idea of her coming to study in the US. I was full of young love and I was sure I could make something work with FirstFiance. But at the end of the study abroad, I again found myself heartbroken. Due to the conservative nature of her culture, she was expected to get married after she received her degree. She was not willing to turn her back on her traditions and family, particularly not since the US wouldnít recognize our relationship as valid. She didnít want to stay in touch, a decision she phrased as something that would be less painful for me. It wasn't.

FirstFiance and I moved in together. We lived together for two years. His dishonesty and my inability to emotionally handle the toxic combination of his bipolar disorder and my depression pretty much ended. We eventually parted ways on bad terms. He now helps other bipolar people navigate the illness. We email occasionally.

My younger sister outed me to my conservative Christian parents as bisexual after college. They did not take it well. They still love me very much, but we also donít speak about it. I find it really ironic that my mother is embarrassed about my grandmotherís rabid racism, but doesnít seem to realize the parallels between that and her virulent homophobia.

After that, I had several relationships, some longer term than others, until I met Guitarist at a board-gaming group. At the time, I was dating someone and he was engaged. We became very good friends. After a while, we were both single at the same time and we started dating.

On a roadtrip to visit friends shortly after that, Guitarist said out of the blue, ďI donít do threeways.Ē That sparked a whole conversation about bisexuality and what it does and doesnít mean. The conversation went along the lines of how you can have different interests, and one person might not fill all those interests, but you can still love them and want to be with them. Some of my statements nibbled around the edges of nonmonogamy, which at that time Guitarist was very against. I started joking that he was more monogamous than I am.

To be continued, because this is getting awfully long....
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  #2  
Old 09-09-2015, 12:01 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Default Leaf on the Wind, Continued

More recently:

Fast forward five years. Guitarist and I have been married for threeish years. We donít have or want children, but we do have a small menagerie of pets.

About a month ago, one day after I had returned from a solo vacation to the coast to visit a bunch of friends, including Flame, Guitarist texted me at work that we needed to talk about our relationship later in the evening. Protip: this is not something you want to text your wife while sheís at work.

My mind immediately jumped to what was to me the obvious conclusion. I decided that he must think that something went on between Flame and I. While I love Flame dearly, and Guitarist knows that I love Flame dearly, nothing physical has ever happened between us. But I was just on a solo beach vacation ďwithĒ Flame, complete with selfies, while Guitarist was at workÖ yeah, that could create a bunch of insecurity. My mind went into damage control mode. And after I pointed out that I wasnít going to get any more work done over the day because I was too damn worried, Guitarist agreed to just call me at work.

He told me that heíd met someone. Heart sank immediately. Iíve known for years what a catch Guitarist is, even if he seems to think that heís not. He kept talking, though. Heís thought for a while that Purr, the girl in question, was interested in him, but he only confirmed it with her while I was on vacation. Once their mutual interest was confirmed, he knew that he needed to talk to me right away.

He laid out some options. Sheís polyamorous, and she wanted to hang out with him some time. I could say yes and they could see each other, or I could say no and they wouldnít. He would break off contact with her, because he didnít think they could be just friends.

Heart unsank. Some of our friends in Nearby City are poly. Iím not deeply invested in monogamy. But thinking that I knew how Guitarist felt about monogamy, I queried how his interest in Purr was different than a friendship.

He responded that his attraction was quite physical as well as emotional. But she insisted that sheíd entirely respect our relationship, it will come first, sheís okay with him breaking it off with her if it turns into something that makes me uncomfortable, etc.

I agreed that they could see each other. Guitarist agreed to take it slow so that we can all work out our feelings.

Now:

Guitarist and Purr are seeing each other. Weíve hung out together as a trio a couple of times and theyíve had a couple of dyad dates. I feel a lot of compersion when he squees about herÖ but itís quite another thing to unexpectedly wake up to a lonely house and a text message because theyíve gone on an impromptu date (the only kind of date Purr knows how to do, because sheís massively overbooked and has small children). Scheduling disruptions tend to upset me, even when they arenít on the slightly touchy ground of my husband dating someone that isnít me. Heís working on better scheduling, Iím working on being flexible.

Meanwhile, I got myself set up on OKC and initiated some conversations with high matches. Iíve had one date with Marian, who I like very much. We went for coffee, which turned into dinner, which turned into closing down the restaurant while talking about anything and everything. Iím completely flooded with NRE over her. Iíve told her how much I like her, and sheís reassured me that she likes me back. However, sheís in grad school and married and intensely busy. Iím trying to reign in my NRE and not come on too strong.

Flame laughs at my intense levels of squee lately and revels in my happiness. Even so, heís a little worried about me because heís tried poly in the past and it didnít work out well. I didnít point out that it probably didnít work out well because in the past he had low self-esteem and a penchant for attaching to people who are intentionally or unintentionally emotionally abusive. I donít think he needed me to. Anyway, heís in a much better place now.

Purr is also interested in me. I know this because she said it. I responded that Iím not sure how I feel about that. Sheís attractive and, well, itís not at all shocking to me that Guitarist and I would find the same kind of person attractive. But the way she phrased a couple of things in the beginning, like how she would like to see ďusĒ and how she expects that mine and Guitaristís relationship will come first, makes me feel pretty cautious. Iíd rather just let our relationship be what it will be.

In that vein, the ďvetoĒ idea went out the window in week one. I didnít feel comfortable with it in the first place, but I couldnít quite put my finger on the reason why. The best I could come up with was that it doesnít seem right to pull the plug on something important to someone you love is enjoying without any consensus and discussion, and besides, how would that make Purr feel. After reading More Than Two, my reasons have become a lot more clear. They all revolve around the fact that Purr is a human being, not a commodity. Guitarist shared an article about couplesí privilege with Purr. I hope sheís going to start feeling a little more empowered about her relationship with him, and more empowered about being solo poly in general. She has a lot of self-sacrificial tendencies. Theyíre really admirable, but sheís been taken advantage of in the past because she is So Damned Nice.

That isnít to say everything has been perfect thus far. There has been at least one bout of floor-crying on my part and one meltdown on Guitaristís part. There have been wibbles on all sides. Weíve had quite a few long discussions and some sleepless nights. But Guitarist and I arenít codependent, and our relationship has always been built on trust, respect, and communication. Even though we love doing things together, we also have our own friends, our own bank accounts, our own vacations. He joked that he feels like weíve been setting up for poly all along. Even with the added drama, our relationship is great.

Marian and I have a second date later this week. Weíre going to get dinner and see a play. The week after that, Marian and her husband (I will call him Ranger) are going to come over to our house for board games. Guitarist would like to meet her, and I want to meet Ranger. Ranger is monogamous and, while I have Marianís assurances that heís entirely on board with us dating, I think Iím going to be a little insecure until I can get a read on him myself.

And thatís where things stand as of today. Clearly I needed to just start a damned blog already before it got too much longer.
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  #3  
Old 09-09-2015, 09:57 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Iíve been doing crazy amounts of texting at work lately. This is partially because the nature of my work is very cyclical (two weeks of OMG WTF WHY followed by two weeks of go at my own pace) and partly because a dear family member is having health problems and my concentration is shot anyway.

First, I was texting with Guitarist and Purr. We tend to group chat fairly frequently. Guitarist wanted to know if it was okay if he hung out with Purr at her new place. We had a date planned for when I got home with work, and Guitarist works third shift, so we tend to schedule even the basic things like watching TV. Normally Iíd just say yes, since he sees her so much less often than me. But today was a sex date, and I was worked up about it all day, so I really didnít want to give up that time. Fortunately, Purr had a chunk of time available in the middle of the afternoon, so it worked out really well.

I never mind when heís spending time with Purr while Iím at work. Iím glad someone that I love is having fun somewhere, even more so when itís with someone that I like. When I got home, he was sort of *shrug* about how it went, which was disappointing. He saw my disappointment and explained that he sometimes downplays how much fun he has with her (or to her, how much fun he has with me) because he doesnít want to hurt anyoneís feelings. I explained that it didnít hurt my feelings at all that he had a good hang-out with her. Quite the contrary, I was a little bummed that he didnít have a good time. It turned out he did have a good time, and he bubbled on about it for a while, and all was well.

Second, I texted a bunch with Flame. Flame was in a remarkably good mood. Heís usually pretty low key, but today he was basically having a text-based dance party. Apparently he had good dreams last night, which is unusual enough to make me happy. The man deserves more good dreams.

Coincidentally, or perhaps not, Flame also scheduled a date with a girl heís been interested in who lives relatively near to him. I have my fingers crossed that he wonít get his heart broken again. Heís taken a year off from dating to recover from his latest divorce, and in terms of self-awareness and self-confidence, Iíve never seen him in such a good place. I just hope he doesnít get overwhelmed by NRE and throw his emotions on the sacrificial altar of a woman who doesnít appreciate his good qualities and wants to ďchangeĒ him ďfor his own good.Ē Again. But Iím cautiously optimistic. She sounds pretty cool, and I have to trust that his increased self-confidence is going to mean heís going to be less inclined to bend to the breaking point for someone who doesnít love him for who he is.

After I got home from work, date night went really well. I bounced out of the bedroom in good spirits. Guitarist is now in the living room playing Metal Gear, which is probably what heíll do until he goes to bed shortly. Itís his equivalent of 4 am. I plan on writing for a while and, when my brain canít take any more of that, playing Cataclysm DDA. The struggles are going to be trying not to obsess about my date with Marian tomorrow and getting some sleep.
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Old 09-11-2015, 02:47 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I just got back from my second date with Marian. I didnít sleep very well, I think out of nervousness. Have I mentioned how much I really like this woman? Sheís smart, funny, cute, and we have a lot of interests in common. We had dinner at my favorite local BBQ joint and then went to see a musical at the community theater. One of the things we talked about at dinner was creating a date list for things we want to do in the future. The in the future phrase came from her, not me, and it made me want to dance around the table.

The musical was very nice, except I was having trouble concentrating because I was trying to figure out the best way to make a move for her hand. I hadnít worked myself up to it yet by intermission. Then we met someone she knows from work at intermission, and sheís definitely not out as poly, so I spent the second half of the musical kicking myself for missing my chance. Ranger was supposed to pick her up when the musical ended.
He wasnít waiting in the parking lot when we got out. She was a little worried, but it turned out heíd just lost track of time. That was fine in my book. We walked to my car and the ďwould you like to hold my handĒ line works much better when youíre not in the middle of a crowded theater. Standing cuddling and lingering hugs worker better, too. I'm so tame.

I got to meet Ranger when he picked her up. He seemed nice, if tired. Me and Marian hugged goodbye. When I got home, I had a Facebook message waiting for me about how her and Ranger had talked on their way home about how he wouldnít be comfortable with PDA in front of him. I double checked that the hug was okay (it was) since I want to respect his boundaries, too. All four of us (me, Guitarist, Marian, and Ranger) are going to play some board games at my house next week.

Tomorrow I have a date with Guitarist to loaf around the house and continue watching the fifth season of Walking Dead. We donít have TV, so we only get caught up when it comes out on DVD. Iím more looking forward to the reconnection time than the TV time. Heís asleep right now, but heís going to get a very serious cuddling when I go to bed.

One of the things that still feels weird to me about poly is that I really want to squee to my partner about a very good date I had with someone who isnít him. The only thing that would make this lovely night lovelier would be curling up against him and sharing my happiness. It isnít a bad weird, just a slight dissonance weird.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)
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  #5  
Old 09-11-2015, 07:00 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I decided to do a quick update while Iím home from work early, waiting for Guitarist to get home from his date with Purr so that we can get our Walking Dead on. Flame has a date with a girl and he was texting back and forth with her yesterday for a while. It turns out sheís been posting very poly-positive things on Facebook, which has led him to wonder if she might not be poly. It wouldnít be super surprising, giving the area he lives in, but Iíd feel less worried about a jealous significant other trying to run me out of his life. Not that that particular worry is strong, but itís definitely there. Iíve met plenty of girlfriends who are upset that Iím friends with their boyfriend, even when I was married and perfectly monogamous.

I don't think the poly thing would make me less threatening, even though it should because, I mean, if I wanted to date him we already would be dating so chill out please. But now Iím not ďsafe.Ē As if thereís any safety blanket immediately placed between two people because one of them is married, like some kind of a Victorian bundling board.

And with that amusing thought, Iím going to get some Dark Souls 2 in before Guitarist gets home.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)
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  #6  
Old 09-12-2015, 06:35 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Location: Midwest USA
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I was planning on spending some time with Guitaristís family without him (his third shift schedule means we donít see his family much and I really enjoy the company of his mom and stepdad), but I ended up canceling that because I just wasnít feeling it. Introversion struck. The thought of driving and being social and more driving made my brain go Ďno no no no no.í I ended up getting lunch with Guitarist at a restaurant we discovered just a short while back, watching some Netflix, rolling around in bed, and now Iím catching up on the forums and realizing I donít really have other major plans for the day. Huge mental sigh of relief.

I mostly thought my desire to close myself up in my office and be unsocial was related to this allergy-driven sinus headache Iíve had for a few days, but then I looked at my calendar and realized that Iíve had something every day for the last week and a half. For me, thatís insane. No wonder I was feeling the desperate need for alone time. A few weeks ago I would have laughed at the thought, but between the increase in time Iíve spent with Guitarist lately, my friends, Marian, hanging out with Purr, and just general day-to-day living stuff (like volunteering and getting my stupid roof repaired and grocery shopping) I havenít had much time to just chill in my office without having to watch the clock and make sure Iím not going to be late for something. Ö maybe Iím going to have to start scheduling alone time.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)
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  #7  
Old 09-14-2015, 04:51 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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What a long day. After going to bed at about 2:30 yesterday morning, my dog decided to wake me up at 7:30. She normally doesnít carry on in her crate, so I knew something was up. Sure enough, when I opened the crate door she shot like an arrow toward the front door and did her ďmust pottyĒ dance. So I only got five hours of sleep.

Guitarist and I had a poly conversation when he got home from work. He wanted to know if it was okay with me if he started a new relationship with someone he was interested in. He hadnít told her yet that he was interested. The way he segued into it, it sounded kind of sketchy--she had apparently slapped his ass while they were talking. As far as I know, she knew that he was married but not about our open relationship. I told him it bothered me that she was willing to get that handsy with someone under those circumstances.

He told me that heíd casually let it drop to her that our relationship is open. My initial reaction was a huge ďwhat the fuckĒ about being outed to a stranger without my prior consent or presence and when we arenít completely out as poly. After a few minutes of trying to organize my thoughts on that feeling to talk to Guitarist about it, I realized that it was actually more a reaction to feeling involuntarily outed. Kind of like when my sister outed me to my parents as bisexual, which was a hugely traumatic experience for everyone involved.

Working through it with logic, I realized that my reaction didnít make any sense. For one, Guitarist canít feel out possible interests if they donít know weíre poly, and for two, I have an OKC account, which is pretty much outing myself to strangers. It doesnít change that thereís something viscerally different between telling someone something private about yourself and having someone else tell them something private about yourself, but at the end of the day I trust Guitaristís judgment, so that is that. I got over it pretty quickly. I'm still a little weirded out by the thought of it, but it's not a big problem. I'll probably talk to him about it the next time we get a minute.

As far as my actual thoughts about him staring a new relationship, Iím not sure he should start a new relationship while heís still in the developing-relationship stages with Purr. But heís also a grown man and can make his own decision. I donít see how talking to his possible new interest (as of yet un-nicknamed) about polyarmory and whether she would be interested in them getting to know each other better would really hurt, though. My only concern was the butt-slapping incident, and he clarified that. Iím sure other feelings will crop up, they just haven't shown up yet.

So that was my morning. In the afternoon, I went over to a friendís house to play board games with my D&D group, which is transitioning into a Deadlands Reloaded group (that Iím going to run) because the D&D DM recently had a baby and probably isnít going to have time to plan even our once-monthly games. We played Catan because my friendís roommate had never played it, and then I completely slaughtered everyone in a game of Illuminati. Winning that game is so satisfying. Mua ha ha.

After that, it was about 8 pm, so I went to hang out with Purr for a few hours. Earlier in the day, we had a discussion over text about our relationship because I was worried I might be leading her on (because of something Guitarist said). I clarified with her that I like hanging out and I like cuddling, but Iím not interested at this point in actively dating or being her girlfriend. She said that she likes our casual thing and doesnít care about how itís defined. She doesnít have expectations. Thatís a huge relief. I was reading a lot of expectations from her in the beginning, and that made my walls go up right away.

We watched a video with her kids while she was trying to get them to go to sleep, and then sat around on the couch and talked for a while. We sat side by side at first, but it felt natural to put my arm around her, so I did. It turned into a cuddlefest with serious discussion and emotional support.

I probably have feelings for Purr. They arenít the lightning-bolt-squee feelings I have for Marian, but more of the warm wanting-to-support feelings I have for Flame. Iím happy to let it be what it will be, and itís a relief that Purr isnít pushing for something more.

Sheís marshaling her thoughts about Guitarist starting a new relationship, too, but I didnít really talk to her in depth about that because I donít want to influence their conversation. Whatever she feels about it is between her and him, not her and me.

And now Iím processing and unwinding and petting my dog with my feet and getting ready for bed... which I should do here shortly, since itís getting late and I have to work tomorrow. Time to play some tug of war to tire out the dog out.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:35 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Today’s poly text conversation winner is: talking with Guitarist about unwittingly being the cause of some emotional wobbliness on my part by outing me to his new interest (who I’ve decided to name Sunshine, since her name is close to a person I think of that way and I don’t have any other information about her). And it really was unwitting. He just didn’t think about how it might affect me and Purr. Purr is even more poly-closeted than I am, since she has different job and family situations.

Anyway, I explained that my reaction was completely irrational. My mind was fighting the last war, so to speak. I said that my main problems seemed to revolve around not knowing Sunshine and feeling like his decision blindsided me. I said that I might react better with a little advanced warning last time or, if that wasn’t possible, at least telling me soon after it happened instead of dropping it as a ‘by the way’ in a different conversation. But I did try to emphasize that it was a brief and minor discomfort on my part, and if the difference was between bringing it up without talking to me first and possibly losing a connection, I'd support his decision to bring it up.

He said that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings at all and something about thinking he will take it slower next time since he think he upset both me and Purr with his speed on this. For me, it wasn’t about the speed. If he’d told me the day previously that he was going to try to casually drop our polyness to the new interest, I would have felt like I at least had input in the decision. Even if the result would have been the same.

Anyway, Guitarist and Sunshine are getting coffee tomorrow to talk. This is his first time initiating with poly about anyone, and I hope it goes well.

The rest of my night is just going to be me-things. I have to prepare for a board meeting I have tomorrow, I want to spend some time with my dog, and I have some cleaning to do, and I want to play some video games. Eventually I'm going to cuddle Guitarist awake before he has to go to work... if I don’t accidentally fall asleep on the couch from exhaustion. Right this second I’m really feeling the combination of drinking yesterday, the late night with Purr, and allergies.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)

Last edited by AutumnLeaves; 09-14-2015 at 09:36 PM. Reason: Sentence missing a word.
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Old 09-15-2015, 02:31 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Brief update: I failed at real life this morning. Our dog started to go insane at 7:30 am. I woke up all wtf only to realize that the roof guys were at my house. My brain went "but but but they're on my calendar for Thursday!"

Unfortunately, a calendar is only as good as the person making entries.

I texted Guitarist and felt horrible that I might have ruined his planned coffee with Sunshine. I would have called in to work... if I could reach my boss's secretary, which is kind of hit or miss before 10 am. I was a huge ball of anxiety.

But it turned out that since I'd payed half in advance, they didn't need anyone there while they're working. Huge sigh of relief.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)
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Old 09-16-2015, 02:08 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Location: Midwest USA
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My board meeting ran long tonight, putting me in the unenviable position of having some free time, but not enough to do anything that Iíd really like to do with it. Iím basically just waiting until I can wake Guitarist up and cuddle him some before he has to go to work and I have to go to bed. And focusing on how crappy I feel and how I just want the day over with so it can be tomorrow already.

Today has been one of the less-good poly days. Guitarist had his coffee meeting with Sunshine today. I sent him a message that I knew he wouldnít get until he got home, asking him how it went. When he got back he just said Ďokayí and that weíd talk about it later. That was kind of disappointing. I was hoping to have some compersion, because the morning had sucked until that point with the roof snafu and Iíd hoped that would make me feel better.

I also tried to pin him down on whether he wanted to spend time on Sunday morning, because I would wait to depart for my Sunday plans with Marian until after he got home so that I could see him. Otherwise I wanted to know if he wanted to arrange something for Saturday. He said Sunday would depend on whether he would be spending time with Purr. And that he would like to spend time with me, but I had better not count on it. Not a word about Saturday instead.

To which I wanted to respond what does that even fucking mean. I asked because I wanted to spend time with him if he wanted to make time with me, or make other plans if he didnít, and instead I got almost a complete nonanswer. ĎWhether I want to see you depends on whether someone else is freeí does not make me feel valued. I donít want to sit around at home for two hours after I could depart on the whims of someone that doesnít plan... or I wouldnít be asking to plan. Tell me yes we'll schedule that time, or tell me no we won't. I donít want to inconvenience myself for your sake if Iím just the backup plan.

Anyway, a lot of this could just be due to extra grumpiness today on the part of the dog alarm jerking me out of a sound sleep earlier than I wanted it to, and then having to frantically rush around trying to make sure that the roof scheduling situation was taken care of. I am NOT a morning person. And I had two other things I wanted to do today (revel in Guitaristís good coffee date, and set up a time to meet Marian on Sunday) and neither happened. No wonder Iím so grumpy.
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"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Raven (my girlfriend)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend thing)
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