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Old 01-09-2014, 09:21 PM
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Smile This is how it works for us.

Here I am, successfully, blissfully polyamorous, with little specific help to offer and even less need for support. I registered in order to post a sort of testimony to the sustainability of yet another shape of poly.

My two life partners don't know each other, but they've known about each other as long as I've known both of them (over twenty years). W is my co-parent, and we had many years of de facto monogamy, co-habitating and building a life together. M has become steadily more present in my life over the past five years. I spend a significant amount of time living with each of them. There's implicit trust and explicit freedom to pursue other attachments. We all are content with how things are, and we all are open to change.


I feel like a poly success story. I wish I could share the secrets to that success. Shall I try?

Partner selection:
Luck? Sure. But we also work at being grown-ups and approaching our relationships rationally and lovingly.
We interrogate whether what we are doing fits who we are.
We avoid prescribed roles and geometries for ourselves and each other.
We are reasonably self-aware and world-wise people.

Intention and flexibility:
We all care to sustain both relationships, and to keep all the people involved healthy.
We have rejected secondary/primary labeling, pretty much from the beginning.
We have aggressively mitigated couple privilege, looking for traces of it in even the most benign decisions, and overcorrecting whenever possible.
We are committed *and* flexible. We talk about the future, and leave as much as possible open to organic growth.

Honest communication:
We ask for what we want.
We admit our limitations and boundaries.
We respect each other's limitations and boundaries.
We tell each other what we love about each other, our situation, ourselves.

Sharing lives:
We make time to enjoy being together (separately, in our case).
We take time to enjoy being alone.
We accept each other's care and involvement in our individual lives.


There's a lot of love, and a lot of good will. I guess that about sums it up.
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Old 01-09-2014, 10:45 PM
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Thats interesting that they don't know each other. Do they not want to meet? Does your children have a relationship with your other partner? How do you handle holidays with your family if your two partners haven't met?
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Old 01-10-2014, 04:08 AM
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Greetings SlowPoly,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you have fashioned a poly life in a wise and ethical manner. This is the type of story we hear too seldom because so many poly people who are successful in their relationships don't feel the need to post on any forum, they just quietly go about living their lives. So, thank you for sharing a bit of your experience with us.

If you want, consider also posting as well on the Life stories and blogs board and in the Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness thread. Especially the latter as newbies and the poly-curious often wonder if this model of love and relationships can really have a happy ending. Sometimes people get the impression that it's always a train wreck, but such is not the case in reality.

Anyway, glad to have you with us, and enjoyed reading your thoughts and advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 01-10-2014, 04:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Thats interesting that they don't know each other. Do they not want to meet? Does your children have a relationship with your other partner? How do you handle holidays with your family if your two partners haven't met?
W has always welcomed meeting M. While everything has always been out in the open, and M and I have been emotionally close for many years, we have moved very slowly toward becoming committed partners, and only then toward integrating our lives. We aren't sure how meshed they ever will be, but we're not in a hurry. Moving slowly has worked well for us. We have our whole lives to figure it out. The kids know about and are curious about M, and M hears about them daily. I imagine we'll all get together someday. But I've never seen a reason to throw patience to the wind.

We actually don't do much for holidays, and only rarely attend gatherings of our families of origin. My family knows about M, and I can mention that part of my life around them, but they are neither curious or judgmental about it.
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Old 01-10-2014, 05:38 PM
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Thanks for the welcome, Kevin.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Greetings SlowPoly,
This is the type of story we hear too seldom because so many poly people who are successful in their relationships don't feel the need to post on any forum, they just quietly go about living their lives.
Yes, this! I feel like a shameless braggart. But there is an inherent bias toward poly problems in the forums, and much as I like problem solving, I really like happy stories. Since mine is feeling extra happy (and quiet) these days, here it is.

I also hope that my experience illustrates that long-term sustainability doesn't necessarily involve all the same elements (e.g., pulling everyone into one fold) for every poly family.

I posted over in the Poly Vignettes thread, as well. Not sure how much duplication helps or annoys folks, so I probably won't repeat the story in Life Stories, unless that's The Way It's Done.
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Old 01-10-2014, 05:50 PM
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Do not feel bad about sharing your joy.

I feel like a braggart too.

My relationships are pretty boring and lack drama.
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Old 01-10-2014, 10:01 PM
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Cool beans ... and Poly Vignettes works. I checked it out and it looks great.

I posted there just yesterday myself. Figured I better practice what I preached. And along that vein I started a blog of my own yesterday as well ... but that was like my whole life story, so.

Heh, if only we had more "shameless braggarts" here. It would give newbies and the polycurious more faith and hope. We've no shortage of the scary/dramatic stories! but I know we're largely here to help with the dramatic/scary stuff.

Does my heart good to hear about the success stories though.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-11-2014, 07:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Thats interesting that they don't know each other. Do they not want to meet?
Hmm, as a solo, that didn't seem unusual at all to me. I wouldn't want all my relationships weaving through and among each other, even if I did have kids (gah!) and it would not bother me in the least if one lover of mine did not want to meet another. So, continuing with them never having met makes perfect sense to me!
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, as a solo, that didn't seem unusual at all to me. I wouldn't want all my relationships weaving through and among each other, even if I did have kids (gah!) and it would not bother me in the least if one lover of mine did not want to meet another. So, continuing with them never having met makes perfect sense to me!
I don't know n's fwb casual relationships but if he's had a. Friend 20 years and they got together and been together 5 and he lived part time with her thwn I would probably meet them at some point lol but to each his own. Ive met all of n's friends and a couple of his ex's too
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:23 PM
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I used to think they should* know each other, but now it feels that life is pleasantly simple this way. There is no navigation of *their* relationship gumming up the works of their relationships with me. And there doesn't seem to be a practical motive to them meeting up. When there's a need, they will meet. I hope that's not when I'm in a hospital bed -- but even that would be so benign that it isn't a practical motive. For now they are mutually supportive through me.

* "Should" is a word I've learned to question on principle.
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