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Old 01-10-2014, 05:30 PM
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Default Dept. of Children and Families (or what it's called in your state)

Anyone ever have any issues with outside agencies being upset you are polyamorous?

I'm not dating right now, but I know my soon to be ex will use whatever he can to try to take my son from me. H abused me and I finally had enough of it and got a restraining order in December. Now begins the battle.

DCF became involved because of my husband but now I'm wondering what will happen with me and the worker because of polyamory.

Anyone have dealings like this?
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JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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Old 01-10-2014, 05:43 PM
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It totally depends on the place. I know that isn't helpful, but it is true.
We have had OCS in and out of our house due to a 12 year custody battle with a drug addicted ex of Maca's. They couldn't care less about our lifestyle.
On the other hand, there have been issues for families in Washington.
From state to state, the laws are different, sometimes VERY VERY different.
It's really impossible to gauge how things will work in one state, based upon experiences in another.
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Old 01-10-2014, 05:55 PM
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That's true. I know it's really hard to gauge. I guess I wonder too if there are any legal avenues I could take if it DID come up. The investigator was VERY prejudiced against poly and had been lied to by my husband's ex wife (who was interviewed separately with my stepsons) saying that only I was polyamorous. The ex wife left out that she and my husband dated just a few months ago. So I informed the investigator of that and she just seemed very biased. It makes me concerned that the worker coming to meet with me will be the same way and I"m wondering if I can call them out on it in some way.

After all, they are only supposed to investigate abuse or neglect on the KIDS. Things that affect the KIDS. I'm not having sex in front of my son so, to me, me dating someone is no different than someone else dating who is getting divorced. I don't think they even have a legal right to be involved over something as innocent as dating, as long as I"m not dating a sex offender.
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--Jade, 31/f
Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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Old 01-10-2014, 06:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
I'm not dating right now, but I know my soon to be ex will use whatever he can to try to take my son from me. H abused me and I finally had enough of it and got a restraining order in December.
This sounds like a question for your attorney. Ask him/her how to protect yourself and your son if the ex tries send DCF after you. Know the law in your area. Talk with other women who have dealt with abusive spouses, guaranteed someone has had to deal with dis-proving allegations their ex told to DCF.
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Old 01-10-2014, 07:08 PM
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I think that polyamory can be used as proof of a chaotic lifestyle on a wider scale. If a parent is choosing to continue unstable, volatile, generally unhealthy relationships of any kind, it won't be looked upon favourably but if those relationships differ from the norm in addition to the other negative factors, it can only appear worse.
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Old 01-11-2014, 12:38 AM
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What recourse you have also depends on the state laws.
It varies so much, it's like comparing Apples and Asparagus. Seriously.

I would DEFINITELY discuss it with an attorney for your area. You could also google information about what rights you have in terms of recourse in your state.
In ours it's pretty much ZILCH. They make their decisions on their own and if they decided that there was any risk to the kids-you are shit out of luck. On the other hand, they wont pull a child out of the home here even if you are smoking crack in front of the child-because THAT isn't abuse or neglect. It's "just illegal and therefore the jurisdiction of the police" (their words).
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I think that polyamory can be used as proof of a chaotic lifestyle on a wider scale. If a parent is choosing to continue unstable, volatile, generally unhealthy relationships of any kind, it won't be looked upon favourably but if those relationships differ from the norm in addition to the other negative factors, it can only appear worse.
I'm not seeing anyone right now so the only person causing chaos was my STBX and I got him out of the house and away from our son by getting a restraining order. I'm going through a divorce too so that he can't be in our lives except what the court decides.
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--Jade, 31/f
Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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Old 01-11-2014, 10:22 PM
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Didn't you say that you are staying with your BIL, with whom you did have a relationship? Even though you have both backed off, that might make them think you are still involved with him. It shouldn't matter but it might.
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Old 01-11-2014, 11:55 PM
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I was speaking generally.
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  #10  
Old 01-12-2014, 09:03 PM
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There are two ways these agencies get involved. Probably more, but two that are relevant right now.

One is: Is this person fit to be a parent? This is where abuse and neglect come in.

The other is: Which parent is more suitable as the primary caregiver? This is where abuse and neglect are not all that counts. The big question they ask is: what's best for the child? Financial and emotional stability are major factors here.

I'm all for activism, but a custody battle is not the best venue to fight for equality. Your life = your consequences = your choice. The activists can pipe down.

If it were me, I would outright lie to the investigator. I would deny being polyamorous and claim that my ex is just saying that to tarnish my reputation. I would tell them that when we were married, my husband was dating his current girlfriend, and that if anyone is polyamorous, it's him. But mostly, I would focus on the abuse and how that affected your kids.

The point is, if you know the investigator is biased, then it's unlikely you're going to be the magic light that changes their mind and makes them realize that polyamory can be a perfectly healthy and happy environment in which to raise kids.

Do I like this from the perspective of polyamory getting equal rights? Of course not. But is it worth losing your kids to be "right?" Well, that's up to you.

As an aside, it's not just about sex in front of your kids. If you're dating people who are coming in and out of your kids' lives, and your kids are forming attachments to people and then those people are leaving, it can have deleterious effects on the kids' ability to form healthy relationships in the future. It can trigger anxiety about meeting new people over fear that those people will just vanish one day. Kids don't always understand grown-up relationships, and it's even possible the kids could believe it's their fault. Some of this is "worst case scenario" but it's important to be aware of possible consequences of dating different people when you're a parent.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-12-2014 at 09:10 PM.
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