Unbiased list of pros/cons for mono vs poly

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by bella123456

.........
A negative for me is that I really, really struggle with time management. I believe relationships require a significant (and the definition of significant will be different for each relationship) investment of time. I struggle with finding the time needed to feed multiple relationships to a level where they are given the room and space to flourish and to find their strength.

This is a really great and important point Bella.

But it also can serve as a good "needy" detector. We all want and need time and interaction with those we care about. But when lack of time starts to cause real problems it can be a signal of a (possibly) growing dependency. When people have their own internal strength and are busy going about leading their lives they generally appreciate that everyone else is doing the same. If it gets to the point theres a real disconnect, it seems easier for these type of people to sit down and say "whoaaa - time out - we need some connection time in here". And it's usually not perceived in a negative manner in this environment. Everyone is 'on the same page' already, recognizes the potential for this to happen, and fine with someone blowing the whistle.
But if you're NOT all on the same page......well, that's when it seems to get sticky. Someone has all kinds of excess time/emotion on their hands and forgets that that is THEIR unique position. It's not necessarily everyones, nor should it be. And if you don't acknowledge this trouble is brewing.

GS

[detritus]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

This is a really great and important point Bella.

But it also can serve as a good "needy" detector. We all want and need time and interaction with those we care about. But when lack of time starts to cause real problems it can be a signal of a (possibly) growing dependency.
GS

Good point. Even though my time with my husband is in some ways legitimately limited because our work schedules differ, it's true that when he started dating someone else and I freaked out about our lack of time together when I finally got to the point where I could think about it rationally I stopped and said "Wait a second. I used to be really good about spending time alone. What happened?" When you are in a monogamous relationship and really love the person you are with, it's easy to want to spend all your free time together. You can start to forget who you are alone and how to enjoy solo activities. It's kind of nice that I'm rediscovering some of hobbies that have been neglected over the last few years because they aren't things my husband and I can do together.

[BlackUnicorn]

Mono pros:

1) to quote a friend, 'You only have to date one person you know really well'. I really hate dating, although I love going on dates. But it's very time-consuming and frustrating for the most part.

2) I don't like falling in love. I become a totally different person, a gfzilla if you will. 'What? You want to move to the country side, have two kids and get married? Well why not, that's what I've always wanted too!' (I'm anti-marriage, don't want to get pregnant and am terrified of living in a big house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by AXE-MURDERERS preying on innocent families in their countryside houses).

I consulted a psychiatrist after having my first date with my ex-bf. I explained to him all the symptoms I was having; heart palpitations, trouble sleeping, lack of appetite. Then I nearly cried out 'I'm having a panic attack all over again! This was too early, I KNEW it was too early after my last attack to get involved with someone'. At that point he looked at me kindly and said; 'I think your problem is that you have fallen in love. I'm no expert, I mean I've been married for a while now, but I don't think I ever had a 9-hour-long first date. I am afraid medicine can do nothing for you at this point.'

I mean, I seriously don't like falling in love. Too much like a panic attack, that feels.

3) There is a much larger available dating pool if you're looking for monoships.

Poly pros:

1) I'm bisexual and would feel caged making a life-time exclusivity commitment to just one gender.

2) I'm very sexual and sometimes feel like a huge bully/rapist when with somebody who doesn't initiate sex as often as I do.

3) Some people feel very insecure by my lack of jealousy, and feel that if I really loved them, I would 'fight for them'.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Mono pros:

to quote a friend, 'You only have to date one person you know really well'. I really hate dating, although I love going on dates. But it's very time-consuming and frustrating for the most part.

Some people feel very insecure by my lack of jealousy, and feel that if I really loved them, I would 'fight for them'.

I am happy with my polydynamic for the fact that I only have to date two guys I know REALLY well.

But, I also find it frustrating that one of them is very insecure about me not being jealous of him.

[detritus]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

2) I don't like falling in love. I become a totally different person, a gfzilla if you will. 'What? You want to move to the country side, have two kids and get married? Well why not, that's what I've always wanted too!' (I'm anti-marriage, don't want to get pregnant and am terrified of living in a big house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by AXE-MURDERERS preying on innocent families in their countryside houses).

I consulted a psychiatrist after having my first date with my ex-bf. I explained to him all the symptoms I was having; heart palpitations, trouble sleeping, lack of appetite. Then I nearly cried out 'I'm having a panic attack all over again! This was too early, I KNEW it was too early after my last attack to get involved with someone'. At that point he looked at me kindly and said; 'I think your problem is that you have fallen in love. I'm no expert, I mean I've been married for a while now, but I don't think I ever had a 9-hour-long first date. I am afraid medicine can do nothing for you at this point.'

I mean, I seriously don't like falling in love. Too much like a panic attack, that feels.

Lol. I LOVE falling in love. It would have never even occurred to me that some people don't like it.