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  #11  
Old 01-06-2014, 09:07 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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So in another words a straight poly person would be SOL.

It is definately insecurity.
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  #12  
Old 01-06-2014, 10:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Got another one. What if you're dating someone for years and then they finally open up and reveal that they are trans and are thinking about transitioning sexes. Gotta dump 'em?

ETA: I'm not being facetious, either, as there are multiple trans and genderqueer people in my intimate circles.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #13  
Old 01-06-2014, 10:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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That just seems so strange and arbitrary to me. What if your gf was a lesbian and didnt want to date men? What if your boyfriend was straight and only wanted two gfs?

I think some people place too much emphasis on gender. People are people, yo.
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  #14  
Old 01-06-2014, 11:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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At first I thought the people just commenting "insecurity" were being a bit harsh. But then I thought, "is there ANY rationale I can think of other than insecurity?" And there wasn't. I can get saying "only one other partner", because time is a limited resource. And I can understand someone anticipating that they'd be more likely to want one partner of each sex if they consider themselves bisexual.

But life doesn't always work out in the way that seems like it would have been logical... maybe you'll fall in love with two people of the same sex, one after the other, and suddenly getting that itch scratched for a different configuration of bits will seem inconsequential in the face of your feelings for the new person in your life. So, why specifically mandate the sex of your partner's partner? What could you possibly get from that except feeling like you're avoiding some form of "direct" competition/comparison, which comes back, in fact, to insecurity. If someone can explain it another way I'd be interested in hearing it.

Now, is it always a net negative to cater to your partner's insecurities on certain issues? Not necessarily. While I believe that facing and fighting your insecurities is almost always preferable, that's not always an option. There are some things people just can't get over, unfortunately, and if it's a choice between working with that or not being open at all, then maybe working with it will be what works best for you.

However, as I've pointed out above, I do think it's inherently problematic and flawed to base your relationship choices on something that can be surprisingly fluid. Not to mention that I can't understand how a bi person would consider it important. To me, it's like saying "I have red hair so you can't date any other redheads."

What does a person's hair color actually say about them? What do their genitals? That they behave a certain way, that they have certain strengths and weaknesses? There are generalities to be made about sex and gender, sure, but there are so many exceptions, so many people that completely defy every expectation you might have of them, and I'm not just talking about trans folks now by any means. The ONLY thing the shape of a person's genitals definitely says about them is just that -- the shape of their genitals. And even that is changeable.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #15  
Old 01-08-2014, 09:51 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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gotta agree with others, last couple I ran into with a One Penis Policy was a got mess.
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  #16  
Old 01-09-2014, 12:27 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Everyone is at their own levels in terms of what they are or aren't secure about.
For me-I wouldn't be ok with that agreement.

BUT-as long as all of you are-and you are upfront and open to any potentials that this is the agreement; I don't think it's inherently wrong.

Much like, I'm not GENERALLY attracted (strictly for physical attraction) to people who are oriental (please choose another word if you find that one offensive). However-there have been times (including my boyfriend of 20 years) where the OTHER atributes a person has are enough to make up the difference for the lack of physical attraction; so that I am attracted to them as a whole.

Everyone has different things that they look for in a person, for different roles. There's nothing wrong with distinguishing what you want. EVEN IF it's not what other people want.

But at the point where you try to make others meet your demands who don't want to-that's a problem.

And as for the terms-never heard of one.
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  #17  
Old 01-10-2014, 04:10 AM
Haiya Haiya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Everyone is at their own levels in terms of what they are or aren't secure about.
For me-I wouldn't be ok with that agreement.

BUT-as long as all of you are-and you are upfront and open to any potentials that this is the agreement; I don't think it's inherently wrong.

Much like, I'm not GENERALLY attracted (strictly for physical attraction) to people who are oriental (please choose another word if you find that one offensive). However-there have been times (including my boyfriend of 20 years) where the OTHER atributes a person has are enough to make up the difference for the lack of physical attraction; so that I am attracted to them as a whole.

Everyone has different things that they look for in a person, for different roles. There's nothing wrong with distinguishing what you want. EVEN IF it's not what other people want.

But at the point where you try to make others meet your demands who don't want to-that's a problem.

And as for the terms-never heard of one.
Thank you for your sense of non-judgement.
I was truly just looking for a term for this kind of situation. But I am sad people were so quick to judge this as insecure.

This form of relationship is new to the three of us. To be honest, my boyfirend(male/straight) and I(female/bi) have been together 3 years and I recently started seeing my bestfriend(Female/bi). We started talking recently about our "rules" between her and I. We hadn't gotten to the idea of my bf having more options yet or what his options could be, because we had been focused on the rules for her and I. We all really hadn't even thought of the idea of the boyfriend being with a second female because he hadn't really thought about being with in second relationship with a female until recently when he realized that he could actually have that. This topic just got brought up for me and my girlfriend. the topic of him having a second girlfriend is being talked about just like I've been told to do with any kind of change to the relationship. The three of us are new to this and have been content with this idea of "gender-monogamy" for the moment.

I also apologize for using the term Gender. I should have known better. We all classify as either straight or bi, not pansexuals. I use the term Gender meaning males who identify as men and females who identify as women. That isn't a good habit of me to use that and I apologize. I am young and I have now learned from this.
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  #18  
Old 01-10-2014, 10:53 AM
london london is offline
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How about not having rules dictating who each of you are allowed to date and letting the individuals decide that for themselves? You might find that you naturally fall into the pattern you are trying to enforce with rules, if so great, if not, at least you've already created a template that allows for people to meet their needs within the confines of the relationship.
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  #19  
Old 01-10-2014, 02:32 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Haiya View Post
I also apologize for using the term Gender.
I'm all for all-inclusion, but I know in my case, I am just not pan-sexual, so I wouldn't need to make space for the possibility of a transgender or androgynous lover, though I've known many such people throughout my lifetime. Once, I let a coworker, a male to female transgender("lesbian trapped in a man's body") talk me into going home with her. It solidified for me that my attraction lies in the polarity of male and female. I also feel that male-lover energy and female-lover energy are very different, and sure, it all ultimately has to do with the person inside, but what attracts me physically to certain men and what attracts me to certain women are rather distinctive to each gender (not including bottom-lines like kindness, intelligence, etc.) I find when I have enough male energy in my life, I start craving more female energy, and vice-versa. I'm not saying this is the same for everyone, some people's sexuality embraces transgender, androgyny, etc., and it's all good. But some of us are truly bisexual by nature, and that is valid.

Don't worry about people here calling you insecure. So what? Not everyone has had life experiences that have made them comfortable and confident enough to weather the slings and arrows of no-holds-barred polyamory, especially if you're young and just starting to explore. I don't see why it has to be all or nothing. Find your own comfort level. My straight, monogamous husband would prefer an OPP for me. I tried to stick to that, but then my woman and I broke up, and I couldn't find any other women I was attracted to, but I met a guy I really liked. You might find as you go along, you outgrow the rules you set initially.
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  #20  
Old 01-10-2014, 04:56 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I agree with LoveBunny, just do what works best for you, and you'll be fine. Don't worry too much about what other people think (even us poly people).

Regards,
Kevin T.
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