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  #11  
Old 08-26-2009, 10:18 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatDoIDoNow View Post
What would your idea be of something NOT to say to him? I am thinking about in terms of in your ex-wife situation. Is there something she couldn't said that would have made it easier to swallow for you?
I won't answer this simply because it is your responsibility to be straightforward in what you want. Something I may say "not" to say to him may be something you actually want. Don't shape the conversation to get what you want, explain what you want accurately and see where that takes you.

Listen to JRM about possible ways to broach the subject to get a feeling for how he will respond to actually being asked "officially" to explore poly. Then decide if it is prudent and worth it to proceed.

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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-26-2009 at 10:23 PM.
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  #12  
Old 08-26-2009, 10:25 PM
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But this is of course just my opinion.
That's all I have to offer as well V I'm no more right or wrong than the next person.
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Old 08-26-2009, 11:30 PM
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Possibly the biggest thing I can recommend is that you remember that he has the right to react whatever way that he does. If you for one second become selfish about it, I fear you will lose the point. This means, no whining about not getting your needs met, or anger about his over reaction etc. This is not a time to be the center of attention in this.

I know that will be hard as I'm sure you have thought about this and want to get moving. It could take a very long time and you will need to be ultra patient and prepared for that actuality.

I suggest that, like anything else in a good relationship, you ask him to explore what it all means "together." Make it your "together" project. Read books "together," discuss "together," move forward "together" and slowly change "together." All the while expressing your love for him and commitment to him as well as your fears, doubts with complete honesty.

If you don't communicate well and in an honest way already then you might want to make your exploration about that first.... how to communicate effectively. Without telling him about your poly thoughts perhaps even.
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  #14  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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And remember, if you decide to bring up this poly stuff with your husband, it goes both ways and there are benefits in it for him, not just you!

(I use the term "benefits" in the traditional way, not in the "FWB" sense.)
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  #15  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:34 PM
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Originally Posted by WhatDoIDoNow View Post
Seeing both sides is ALWAYS helpful.

I thought about this some more and something to try might be picturing in detail exacly what you want..in detail, live in it for a bit. Now imagine him doing exactly what you envisioned with another love for him.
Now play out the conversation going the other way...what would you want him to say to you to explain it?
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  #16  
Old 08-27-2009, 01:06 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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WhatDoIDoNow,

Let's face it, most of us grew up believing that True Love means Mongamous Love, exclusivity--simple pair bonding. With that, we grew up believing (most of us) that even so much as to desire multiple loves, while in a committed relationship, signals a lack of complete love with our present committed partner. Movies, television shows, songs, churches, families... have whispered or shouted this message in our ears all of our lives -- and continue to do so. So your husband may hear your confession or declaration that you'd like to open your relationship up as "You're not good enough for me, so I'd like to ...". And this may be an extremly difficult thing to get beyond. But it may be possible.
Yeah, this is what I am still hung up on! How is monogamy NOT a sign of true love???? Not forced monogamy, but the person only wanting to be with you by choice and natural inclination???! What is left sacred if you share your body and your emotions/love with someone else???? I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it. I don't get how poly people say it adds something to the relationship when it CLEARLY is taking away. If my partner were to be having sex with another person, that is TAKING away the sex I could be having with her. If she is having dinner/out for a walk/snuggling another, that is TAKING away from she and I doing that! It is clearly taking away. It does not get any more plain to see.
I want this whole battle to go away within me. I never wanted to think about this. If there werent poly people, I would never know and would be non the wiser. Now I keep trying to get to a place of understanding within me, and it is PAINFUL...and even though there are no immediate 'threats' I am still walking around feeling all these imagined threats...and I have broken down in tears on many occasions, and begged and prayed to anything that may be higher than me that listens and gives a shit "WHY"-I don't want this (reminds me of what I did for years over being gay). This goes both ways...I don't want to love another and I don't want her either. I want my fairytale (my gay one). I want us to be all to each other, but it seems like we are just deluding ourselves. I keep thinking that even though we have amazing love, perhaps there is still that 'one' out there for each of us that would have it to where we never felt like we needed/wanted someone else. It HAS to exist...it just has to. I mean, I am sure there are poly identified people very content with a monogamous relationship...if it is the RIGHT person. If two poly people are only with each other, what does that mean??? It means they don't need/want anyone else...and THERE you have it!!
Sorry, I keep trying to get away from here but I spent 20 min yesterday trying to cancel my account and did not see an option then I get a notification that someone has written to something I have and I end up back here..in turmoil.
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  #17  
Old 08-27-2009, 01:40 PM
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I am sorry you are in turmoil, AJbear77. There are a couple of perspectives that may (or may not) help you.

One is to take what you said and apply it to a child telling his mother that he is worried she loves him less because she wants another child. We are all familiar with the idea of a parent sharing love across many children. So this may be an analogy that could work for you.

Another is to look at the dynamamics of your partner having a best friend (or several great friends). They will go out and do things on their own that takes away the time your partner has with you. People rarely have lives that include their partner 100% of the time. I think it works better to be grateful for the times we have together rather than resent the times we may have apart.

Also, there are benefits to your partner loving another. Sometimes sex drive increases and you may be getting more sex. You will also see them happy and compersion may work for you. You can relate to another person who loves your partner and can appreciate what they love about your partner. Someone who can help plan birthday parties or can be there for your partner when you are unable.

Someetimes poly people will choose monogamy for awhile (or as long as they desire). Some poly people have strict rules on what is and what is not allowed. I think the biggest thing to take away from polyamory is that it is about communicating our desires to the ones we love and realizing that love is not a finite resource (just time we have is finite).

If you need help trying to work through it, you can bounce ideas off of us. It sounds like the geanie is out of the lamp for you and you can't forget. So take time you need to reflect and let us know if we can provide any insights that may be helpful to you.

i wish you the best.
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  #18  
Old 08-27-2009, 01:58 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Default well...

I guess we are a weird couple because we do enjoy spending most of our free time together. Always have. Friends have always teased us. We miss each other terribly when we are not together.
With the sex - she has always had a low libido, which is why I had brought the convo of this to begin with (my mistake) because after 9 years of mismatched libido, I am hurtin'. I feel like a part of me is dead inside. I have to have emotions to have sex, though, so poly would make the most sense. It is scary, though, to think that she could have sex with another (and a man at that) and get caught up in NRE and want more sex with them than me...or being that she has always had a low libido, get her sex from the other and meet her 'quoata' and not have any for me. I connect through sexual intimacy...that is where I feel more wholeness and love, she gets it through me feeding her good homemade food and snuggles, but I suddenly have this fear she will turn into a sex vixen with someone who is not me : (
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  #19  
Old 08-27-2009, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by AJbear77 View Post
How is monogamy NOT a sign of true love???? Not forced monogamy, but the person only wanting to be with you by choice and natural inclination???! What is left sacred if you share your body and your emotions/love with someone else????
I used to see things this way that you're speaking to, but over the years something completely flipped inside me, and now this perspective is alien and strange to me. You see, I know in my bones that exclusivity is in no way a sign of truer love than non-exclusivity; and I know how much healing, joy, and happiness has come to my 13 year partnership with my Kevin when he or I opened up to loving others (though those relatioships didn't last).

"What is left sacred if you share your body and your emotions/love with someone else?"

My goodness! It's all sacred! Every relationship we have is unique, special, entirely itself, and irreplacable. Each of them are an opportunity to open into greater love, joy, freedom, etc.... Each can -- and really should -- enhance all of our other relationships, by enhancing our own lives, bringing sparkles of brightness to our hearts.

Love grows by giving it away, by dispersing it -- not by hoarding or by fearfully protecting and sheilding ourselves from involvement.

I see that you are sexually frustrated because your libido and that of your partner are a mismatch--and that you can't expand your sexual experience as "just sex" because your sex is so much connected with feeling/emotion/love. (Good for you that you're whole in this latter way!) -- There is no shame or guilt necessary for you to want to be sexually fulfilled, my friend! There's nothing "wrong" ... "dirty" ... about your body or about your desire to commune with another/others bodily. Non-monogamy isn't filthy! Loving multiply can be intensely wholesome, and can even enhance your joy, love and intimacy with your present partner. You CAN have your cake and eat it too.

I've said it before in this forum, and it's time to say it again: Your best gift to those you love is your own happiness. Now... meditate upon that carefully and long. Write it down and stick it on your wall, and meditate upon that daily until you have the A-ha! moment, because what I just said is true, and profound. When you are happy you give your best to those you love. It's a fact. Learn it well.
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  #20  
Old 08-27-2009, 03:33 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I want this whole battle to go away within me. I never wanted to think about this. If there werent poly people, I would never know and would be non the wiser. Now I keep trying to get to a place of understanding within me, and it is PAINFUL...and even though there are no immediate 'threats' I am still walking around feeling all these imagined threats...and I have broken down in tears on many occasions, and begged and prayed to anything that may be higher than me that listens and gives a shit "WHY"-I don't want this (reminds me of what I did for years over being gay). This goes both ways...I don't want to love another and I don't want her either. I want my fairytale (my gay one). I want us to be all to each other, but it seems like we are just deluding ourselves.
Sadly I think I may be the best person to understand you in some ways and yet I can't offer any help right now. Your struggle is too personal for me and I find myself spiralling into empathic sadness as opposed to objective sympathy.

I am genuinely sorry for your struggle and wish I could wipe it away.
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