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Old 01-03-2014, 06:06 AM
NettleSparks8551 NettleSparks8551 is offline
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Well, I've a lot to think about then.

Thank you all.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by NettleSparks8551 View Post
I am not in the slightest bit okay with them being a couple.
See, if you and your bf had a thing, and he had a thing with your friend, and you were cool with that, it would all be different. In this case, they are both trying to force you to have 3way SEX. If you're not sexually attracted to your female friend, and also very jealous seeing your bf and female friend together, either leave your bf, or learn to deal with him having a 2nd gf, ie: a V relationship, with you and female friends as the "arms" and your bf as the "hinge." In polyamory, V relationships are by far the most common and successful. Triads, where all 3 people have sexual/romantic relationships with each other, are extremely rare.

It's led to me feeling very much on the outside of everything. I was much happier when it was just me and my boyfriend and that was it.
Your bf and the woman are in the infatuation stage, what we call new relationship energy, or NRE. It does go away over time, and you could ride it out, as long as your bf was being loving and respectful to you at the same time. BUT, he isn't. He's acting like a douche and you're not standing up for yourself. Until you do, he and your so-called friend will continue to pressure you.

This is not to say that I wouldn't be open to something like this with someone in whom we had both developed an interest. However, this isn't the case.
This could happen to you at some point. Probably not with your bf and friend, however, since it's gotten off to a bad start.

I do have another question: Is the purpose of a vee to transition into a triad or is it a standalone relationship in and of itself?
Stand alone relationship.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 01-03-2014, 04:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You seem to want to read things so here are some links to "hub" type pages to start. YMMV.


Sometimes people agree to polyship and go in from a foundation of respect knowing that they are taking risk. They risk trying something on that might not fit them... or it might fit them... but not the other people. And because those are not "it fits everyone" so the thing can continue then they may break up all the way down to "everyone single" when the polyship disbands.

You entered into something that you did not want for yourself. It does not sound like it is coming from a respectful foundation. You have already tried it once and came to reaffirm your original belief -- it is not for you.

Learning about poly is fine, but if you already know it is not for you with these people and your heart is not in this... learning about poly to avoid having to move on to the next order of business is wasted energy and emotion. Your energy could be better spent dealing with the next thing now instead of later.

You are very clear about your expectations in your first post.

We made the agreement that we would try it for a month and if I found at the end that I couldn't do it, we would dissolve the relationship and our relationships would go back to the way they were.
I have greyed out the back end. It cannot "go back how it was." You are all changed for having had the experience. But the rest is very doable and reasonable. You all could stick to your shared agreement and dissolve the polyship.

You don't have to feel wonderful about it while doing it. But you could do it, and then you could deal with the next question.

If you meant "go back how it was" like -- (You + bf) and (friend) on her own? Could ask him if he is willing to do that.

To me? He does not seem to plan to honor it, since he is pushing for you to continue in polyship. I think you basically have your answer. Just not acknowledged by any of you. But I could be wrong. I'm not in this.

Just to be clear and confirm it for yourself you could state to BF:
"BF, I made this agreement. I tried for a month. Did not like it. Conclusion? Polyship over. We are all single now. Done. Old business concluded now that I have made you aware. I kept my side of the agreement.

New business. I would still like to date you BF in a monoship shape. We would have to start all over. BF, you up for that or not?"
Then accept his answer. Yes or no. If there is hemming/hawing? A less than forthright "no" is not a "joyous yes." You deserve to be with someone who is thrilled to be with you. Not lukewarm to be with you.

I would strongly suggest you just move on and NOT ask him to start a new monoship with you because he wasn't very respectful in this whole journey. His character seems weak. But "Does this man make a good BF for me?" is a separate question than " Do I want to conclude old polyshipping business or keep it hanging around just cluttering my life?"

I suggest you conclude old business and get it off your desk. You tried. Did not like it. Polyship is over. The only thing left is to tell the people involved that you are done and BE done with polyshipping with them.

You are very clear in what you DO want also.

I was much happier when it was just me and my boyfriend and that was it.
Could actively seek your happiness.

Could stop putting your energy in the (learn about polyshipping even though I don't want to polyship) bucket.

Could put your energy in the (I was happy monoshipping with BF) bucket instead and move that forward. You could ASK him if he is willing to be the BF in a monoship with just you. Get on with the show. And deal with digesting his response whatever it is.

You can do this. Could be brave, and could attend to your unfinished business. Could be brave and go for what YOU want. You CAN handle living your life and dealing with the things that happen in it.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-03-2014 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 01-03-2014, 08:25 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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I agree with the other posters here, that it seems clear that you have tried it and it is not working for you.

Poly is not something that you "get used to"... Maybe you like the idea, but need more time to think about how you would like it to be? Maybe it seems right now like your boyfriend just gets to have two girlfriends, and he gets to have all of the benefits of that, but you are not getting any benefits from that? It might be different if you really liked this other woman, really felt like you had a connection with her, and it was your NRE also! But its not. For you, it is just a sucky situation, that they are trying to get you to swallow because it is what they want...

They are being selfish, and not taking you into consideration at all. There are many many poly people who would talk to their partners about poly and not take any steps toward making it happen for a long time, to give their partners time to adjust and consider the consequences. They are living out a fantasy while you are living a nightmare. That is not poly...

I have a V with my husband and my BF. We do not live together as my BF has his own family to take care of. Maybe someday. But right now, we see each other as we can, talk daily, and every once in a while the three of us go to lunch or dinner together (usually special occasions like birthday or holidays). Yes, it can work, but it is not the right "shape", as Galagirl puts it, for everyone.

Sorry you are hurting, and please know that poly can be a really good thing for people who want it and go about it in a respectful and considerate way. I am sure your BF and his other girl are probably nice people, who just dont have any sense of what they are really doing to your feelings. But it is up to YOU to make them realize...

Best of luck
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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Old 01-03-2014, 10:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Up to her to make them realize...what?

She's made them aware of how she feels. A few times by her own account. So they have a sense of how what they do is affecting her. She's told them.

They are not dinging her totally unaware.
They are not dinging her thoughtlessly.
They are dinging her knowingly.

If she says "no" but folds when fusspotted at in her behavior? She has taught them that when she says "no" she will fold when fusspotted at.

So the next time she says "no" they try to fusspot at her to get their way because she has taught them her "no" can be gotten around. And... here we go again.

After a few times of this merry-go-round one can only conclude that the inconsiderate people remain inconsiderate and do not respect her "no" limit. They have no intention to change. They might SAY they do, but their actions speak louder.

Because they don't have to realize anything. They are groovy how they are. She cannot make them realize changing helps her -- because they do not care to change their behavior. It serves them well. They hear a "No", they will fusspot to turn it into a "yes." Give an inch, take a mile type people.

She could realize they are this type of people, and change her own behavior.
She could stop associating with the meta by stopping polyshipping.
She could stop associating with the BF by not bothering to monoship with him post polyship experiment.

Or not. Up to her what she wants as her next behavior and to what extent she wants to go in pursuit of her own happiness. She could REDUCE her stress load and lose the meta, or she could ELIMINATE her stress load and lose both of them.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-04-2014 at 05:51 AM.
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by NettleSparks8551 View Post
I immediately burst into tears and said "no", but after being told that I wasn't seeing the positives and given that I can't deny my boyfriend anything, I relented.
You better learn to say no and mean it, if you don't want your bf to steamroll and manipulate you into giving him whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He is acting like a real douchebag and needs to cut it out. Your girlfriend isn't acting much better towards you. Find your backbone and your voice and draw the line! Life is too short to put up with shit that makes you unhappy.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
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Old 01-09-2014, 02:25 AM
NettleSparks8551 NettleSparks8551 is offline
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Posts: 8
Default update

I told him last night that he and I needed to talk.

He's about to leave to come pick me up.

She called to tell me that she had ended everything today and that if he can't tell her that he absolutely needs her there no matter what, she's leaving.

He's said nothing so far. I'm pretty sure he's waiting to see what I have to say.

Pretty much I'm going to tell him that I do not want to be in this particular relationship with her. I still want to be with him but I am not okay with him having another girlfriend, particularly her. This whole thing has negatively impacted my friendship with her in a drastic way and it's hurting everyone involved. I think it would be best if we went back to a party of two.

Wish me luck!
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Old 01-09-2014, 07:31 AM
london london is offline
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You're not in a relationship with her. He is.
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Old 01-09-2014, 02:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I hope you did tell him what YOU want. That is behavior you can control.

I hope you get your desired outcome. That's not something you control alone -- other people's willingness come into play. But stand firm and go for what you want and hope for. Less of sticking around for stuff you do NOT want.

Hang in there.

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Old 01-09-2014, 04:13 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I agree with london. Yes, vee's can work but that doesn't mean they are right for you. You sound like you know your boundaries and are willing to express them.

You shouldnt be forced to be poly if it hurts you.
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