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  #1  
Old 12-31-2013, 05:01 PM
ButtercupGirl ButtercupGirl is offline
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Sorry, needed to delete this.

Last edited by ButtercupGirl; 12-31-2013 at 07:35 PM. Reason: Deleted
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  #2  
Old 12-31-2013, 05:49 PM
london london is offline
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If you want to keep him in your life, he has to be honest about why he felt he had to lie to you and you have to accept the reasons he gave you and perhaps make changes so he feels like he can be totally transparent.
This isn't to say you're to blame, lying is never okay, but there can be reasons why people feel compelled to be dishonest.
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  #3  
Old 12-31-2013, 05:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
The repeated lying is a slap in the face and hurts because I feel he doesn't trust me enough to try to work through conflicts in what we want and need.
Could stop making his behavior be about you and your trustworthiness. Stop beating YOU up over his behavior.

He does his behaviors. It is about his willingness to disclose and play ball in a way that is respectful toward you.

Could take it at face value -- behavior done/not done instead.
  • I ask him to tell me things up front ahead of time.
  • He agrees to do it. Then later does not do it.
  • When I call him on it?
  • He is not willing to work through conflict with me and change his behavior.

Quote:
Any suggestions on how to move forward would be appreciated. My emotions running so high that I can't really think straight.
Let me lift up your bottom line. You already seem to know what to do.

Quote:
I've always made it clear that I am willing to work through everything... even really hard stuff. But I am not willing to continue with a dishonest partner. I want to do this with him, so badly. But not if it means he is going to lie to me. To me, there is no lying in poly. You are purely honest with your partner(s) or you are nothing more than a cheater.
So he's a liar, and a cheater to you. His behavior is not acceptable to you. Now what? Since you seem past your limit of tolerance and it's not changing?

The first step is telling him it is over. You have asked repeatedly for up front honesty and he cannot deliver. He keeps breaking agreements. So you are bowing out. There. Initial step done.

Then you can move on to the business of getting over your disappointment in his behavior choices and mourn the loss of relationship. Take the time out to heal.

Could guard against any "sweetie pie honey bunch" type talk designed to lure you back in with promises of a brighter tomorrow. Tomorrow can deal with itself. What you have at the present time is a BF with a lying problem.

I know it could be hard to feel. Yet your feelings are trying to tell you something. Could LISTEN.

You are pretty clear there about acceptable/not acceptable behavior. His behavior is NOT acceptable to you. He has lied several times with no apparent effort to change and make good in that weak area. So... could let natural consequences follow. You dump him.

It may feel like inner conflict to struggle between

1) Stick to my own values and personal limitations I set for myself like that paragraph and let natural consequences follow. Keep MY word to myself even if HE doesn't keep his word to me.

2) Tempted to ignore ignore my own values and personal limitations, and risk another round of lies/heartache from him to see if it might make up for feeling disappointed in his behavior choices right now. At the cost of me dinging my self respect? And not keeping my word to myself?

Which stinks less for you? Because not all choices in life are "win-win" or "win-lose" all clear cut. Sometimes ALL the choices stink, so you have to go with which one stinks less.

I'd suggest obeying your own values and personal limitations because it is self-respecting behavior and it allows you to move on to the next step -- which is healing from a break up.

To choose the other one when you see time and again he isn't willing to playing ball in a way that is respectful to you? That means you knowingly stick with someone who is not respectful of you. That is you dinging you in your self respect, which leads to a ding in self esteem later. How can you be proud of you sticking with someone who is not respectful toward you in his behavior? It also keeps it on the lying merry-go-round you do not like.

You deserve good treatment. You can't control his behavior and get him to be respectful if he's just not gonna. But YOU can control your behavior and YOU could respect you. Get you OUT of the line of fire.

I'm sorry you hurt.

But hard as it is to FEEL? It seems pretty straight up to me what needs doing. He's sounding well past his "3 strikes you are out."

GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-31-2013 at 06:34 PM.
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  #4  
Old 12-31-2013, 06:12 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I have been surprised at the times when I hear that people lie when their partner is open to the truth without repercussion. It may be something that can happen again. Or it may have been a one time issue that will not repeat. I think you have to understand why he lied in the first place to decide if you can forgive him.

I think we all make mistakes and part of building a strong relationship is knowing when to forgive and when to realize things are too toxic.
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