Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 12-31-2013, 11:51 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default

When I said live with others after out son is raised I meant separately.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-01-2014, 12:00 AM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default To Be Honest

We are probably one of those stupid couples they warn you about who open up to help their marriage. Yikes! But in our case, it's worked so far. We fought constantly about sex and I was constantly upset because he wanted sex and I wasn't attracted. Now that he has a lover, he feels much more empowered and I feel "off the hook" and happy for him.

I felt totally engulfed by my family, and like I was not longer just myself. Now, I feel free to go out into the world and feel sexy or play or be wild, and have a secure home to come to. Has anyone has a similar experience?
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-01-2014, 02:03 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 808
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
It fits most into primary/secondary...but different in some respects. It seems in that model, falling in love is off the table?
The first and second examples of primary/secondary in GG's link show NSA / swinger relationships, which usually forbid emotional connection. The non-swinger example was doing well until it used "falling in love" as the trigger for demonstrating a veto rather than something else like substance abuse or non-specific heebie jeebies, but it was an example showing how veto applies to the structure rather than of the structure itself.

There's no checklist you have to fit if you choose to label yourself; it comes down to what the people in the relationship have agreed to. If the people in a primary/secondary relationship agree that falling in love is ok, then falling in love is ok. If they agree that they'll only eat strawberry icecream together then eating strawberry icecream with others is not ok unless they first renegotiate the boundaries. In either case someone on the outside is within their rights to decide that they don't want anything to do with that type of set-up and move on, but the boundaries a couple set for themselves can be anything.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 01-01-2014, 02:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,484
Default

Glad you are not too anxious then.

See? Reading the article helped you articulate what you are after in your situation even if the article did not describe you situation to the "T." Sometimes it helps to have something to look at rather than drawing it up "from blank paper."

You have to know your own wants, needs, and limits/boundaries in order to articulate them to someone else like a dating potential. Then they can determine if they are up for it or not with you.

You seem to have been able to articulate this so far:
WHAT I WANT AND DON'T WANT:

Something like primary/secondary in this article. ...but different in some respects.

We're married, but live more or less like friends. We have separate bedrooms and sex isn't off the table but we've had it few times in the last two years. My husband doesn't have any kind of veto over me or vice versa. His girlfriend has some negotiation power, but only some. My partner would have (same? something else?)

We do not plan to live with a third person while raising our son. I could even see us living separately with other people after our son is raised.

We intend not to divorce.
  • I don't want any hook ups.
  • I hope for long term relating rather than short term.
  • I want to date ethically and not hurt anyone.
  • I want to chance falling in love.
  • I want my partner to be a safe person with not too much attachment so I can explore my sexuality with them comfortably.
  • I would like to be viewed as sexy and desireable by my partner.
  • I would like my partner will become a passionate love and friend.


Is there anything else you would add? Is that good enough for now? You decide that.

After that -- just put it out there to your potentials when ready. HOW you put it out there is up to you.

There isn't a big thing to online dating -- in the end when you meet in real time for face-to-face date? It's the same as it ever was:

Be safe, tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Meet in public spaces, drive yourself, pay your own way. Be polite, see if there's a connection or not.
  • If yes, enjoy and maybe make a second date.
  • If no, end it and don't make a second date.
But say thanks for the date either way politely.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-01-2014 at 02:33 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 01-01-2014, 05:45 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,167
Default

Join clubs that interest you and meet people who interest you.

Met Murf in real life via the classic car scene
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 01-01-2014, 09:11 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Some of my most successful first dates have been at my home (son away) or at their home. It's very rare that I can meet someone right away, I usually chat to them quite a bit before we meet although I tend to set a date early on. It's better for me to be somewhere super low key and although I wouldn't recommend everyone do it, I trust my sense of character.

The worst that's happened is meeting someone you're not enamored with and I don't see them again. No, actually, it was having sex with that guy who started cuckolding my other partners. But I just left. Never been stalked, raped or otherwise seriously harmed by a stranger off the internet. It's the fuckers closer to home who do that shit.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 01-01-2014, 05:22 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default ring?

Dagferi,

This is a stupid question, but how do you get boys to flirt with you if you have a wedding ring on? I have been thinking this over, because merely seeing the ring might turn some away and I don't want t"I'm poly!" to be the first sentence I say LOL
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 01-01-2014, 05:58 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,167
Default

I do not wear my ring because I have lost so much weight it doesn't fit. Even when I did men would still hit on me.

I don't go looking for partners. I just live my life. Behave as I normally do and things just happen Naturally . I am polyfi so I am out of the dating pool. But still have Murf's friends ask me if I have a sister.

Actually early in my relationship with Murf he was unsure if he wanted to date me because of me being married to Butch. But one of his car friends said if you are not going to date her I will go for her...lol. We have been together ever since. I understand Murf's fear . He is monogamous . But he loves the fact I am independent and he likes his me time on occasion . I have been here with him for a week. I am going home tonight because my kids have to go back to school tomorrow. I joked that he needed a break from me. He answered but I would rather have you here till Friday with me. That is when he goes back to work.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 01-02-2014, 01:26 AM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default

Maybe I'm over thinking this : but how do you be open to guys who hit on you with a wedding ring when cheating it against "poly". I mean when they hit on you, they are probably assuming they are hitting on a monogamous married woman, hoping she will cheat.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 01-02-2014, 08:11 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 417
Default

I always wear my wedding ring. (But I've noticed, from reading many international forums, that in my country (somewhere in Europe) people pay much less attention to wedding rings).

Whenever someone starts to flirt with me, the conversation tends to drift to love and relationships pretty soon - probably because it's one of my favorite subjects and I don't do small talk.
So it often comes up within minutes of starting to talk someone (I mean when there's really hitting on/ flirting involved).

I usually say 'I'm taken but available' (sounds better in my language, trust me) and then they ask 'how does that work?' and I tell them everybody knows about everybody and honesty is key, and then a nice conversation about the subject starts.

I could never get involved even a little bit with someone who did not know off the bat what the situation was. Did that once, gave me a lot of heartache. So I might as well tell them straight up.
__________________
early forties, straight.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:49 PM.