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  #11  
Old 12-27-2013, 03:52 AM
Dana Dana is offline
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I would have no objections to a hijacking. Organic conversations are JUST fine.

Having said that, I tried to have a conversation with a certain woman today, but she stood me up again. Hmph!
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  #12  
Old 12-27-2013, 04:11 AM
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What? Why's she trying to stand you up like that?

Heh, I like hijacking too, but didn't want the mods to be tempted to delete any posts. Especially great big posts. All that effort for nothing ...

Anyway, that's pretty bad when you can't even get a simple conversation scheduled. Can you drop her a note saying you need to talk to her, and that she should let you know when you're ready to talk?

Pretty frustrating.
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  #13  
Old 12-27-2013, 04:28 AM
Dana Dana is offline
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I'd be speculating at her motivations. I get the feeling that she likes the "idea" of poly more than she actually likes multiple relationships. We are in a traid of sorts and our other partner has other partners. I think she has been feeling like she is missing out somehow, but really doesn't want to make time or give up the energy a second relationship would take. At the end of the day, I think she's just not that into me. Trouble is, I'm not sure she is even aware of that yet.
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  #14  
Old 12-27-2013, 05:28 AM
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Sometimes people need piercing motivations to actually practice polyamory. Brother Husband (in the MFM V I'm in) is, shall we say, enamored of the idea of polyamory, yet he's not much of a communicator, nor one to work very hard at relationships. If Hinge Lady hadn't been spurring him on all this time, he probably would have lost interest by now and moved on to something else. He tends to be a bit impulsive and changes his stipes (or his flair as he'd probably like to say) every few weeks.

Good communication is hard work, there's just no getting around it, as good communication entails constantly trying to improve the quality of one's communication. I get the feeling the partner you're feeling frustrated with is put off by the idea of such intense communication, as well as the work involved in coordinating schedules. But schedule coordination and quality communication are musts if one is to make a poly relationship fly. It's easy to say, "Wow, polyamory, that sounds pretty neat, let me try," but not so easy to say, "Okay, let's get down to business." For some people, polyamory is just a flair item. For others, it's a labor of love.

We had a new fellow join us today on the intro board, who does a lot of sailing. His wife was very interested and thought that sounded like a romantic life, but when she found out sailing isn't just romantic, it's also a lot of work, she no longer wanted to be a part of it. They have since divorced. Just interesting to see two examples lately of how something that sounds really romantic and cool when looking in from the outside, can turn into something daunting for many people once they try it on. Unfortunate but there it is. You'll probably have to set your sails to the wind, and let this other person go.

Of course I hope I'm wrong ...
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Kevin T.
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  #15  
Old 12-27-2013, 03:03 PM
Dana Dana is offline
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She's a good communicator in the sense that she's good at sharing what she's feeling. What she's not as good at is listening, or picking up on others when things are wrong. That is a tall order to fill though. I think what it comes down to is that her life is very simple and low stress. Our mutual partner does a whole lot for her and they live together. I don't help her with "life management" so I represent lost time that I think she'd just rather have to herself. Which is FINE. I just wish the message was clear. But yes...I see the writing on the wall.

The part of poly that she is really good at is that she doesn't struggle with the usual jealousies - in particular, sexual. In fact, she's far better at that than I'll ever be. So, she is in some ways even more innately poly than I am. She just doesn't have the time management desires or capacities for multiple relationships, I'm afraid. At least not intense relationships. And this is my issue....I don't do "relationship-lite." I like/need intensity and depth and daily connectivity.

It will all work out, eventually. These in-between bits are annoying though.
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  #16  
Old 12-28-2013, 12:14 AM
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Understandable. We can't always guarantee lifelong compatibility and even if that fizzles, we still have great memories, lessons learned, maybe even an intact friendship after the dust clears. There's nothing wrong with that, and I never want to regret having loved, even if I loved and lost.

She may be informal about relationships and not want to call anything "together," "apart," "poly," "non-monogamous," or whatever. She may be content for people to quietly drift in and out of her life. Possibly a bit of relationship anarchy there. Just label everyone in her life a "friend," and whether or not they're a romantic friend is considered a non-issue.

Hope the grated nerves will get a break soon.
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Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 12-29-2013, 02:10 AM
Dana Dana is offline
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You know, I think you may be on to something with the relationship anarchy aspects of it all. She does seem to fit that paradigm with the exception of our shared partner. She NEEDS him though for day to day stuff and relies on him a whole lot. But even that could fit into that sort of model. Hmmm...thinking.

The thing is, I'm not much interested in a sexual relationship with her any more. Indifference doesn't do much for my libido. I wonder how she'd feel about dialing it back to something less physical.
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  #18  
Old 12-29-2013, 03:01 AM
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Something to possibly discuss when you get a chance to talk with her.
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