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Old 12-19-2013, 04:20 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Abuse is subjective. If it "feels like abuse" to the receiver, then it's abuse. Third party opinions on the matter are suggestive but not definitive. At any rate, it's manipulative and inconsiderate. That alone is enough to walk, nay run, far far away.

You could send him an e-mail announcing that you're officially broken up and that the matter is not open for discussion. You could refuse to answer any further correspondence. If he refuses to leave you alone, you could get a restraining order.

You could tell him you're planning to get a paternity test for your husband when the baby is born, and that you'll send him a copy either way. Could say that until then, stressing you out is bad for the baby, and that if he actually cares about the baby, he'll leave you alone.

BTW, this stress IS really bad for the baby. There's evidence that shows hormonal conditions in utero affect our long-term development. Babies who are under constant exposure to cortisol (the stress hormone) are more likely to be stressed out as children and adults. So it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask your husband to handle all further contact with him, and for the police to take over where necessary.

Nadya's correct that in some jurisdictions, the husband of the mother is the legal father of the child. This does not violate the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, because in these jurisdictions, that man is the "parent." If it were otherwise, anonymous sperm donation and closed adoptions would be outlawed.

So, OP, it might be worth the legwork to find out if you're in one of these jurisdictions. If so, you can cut all ties and tell him to go fuck his paternity test.
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Old 12-19-2013, 05:03 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Thank you, Emm, for the legwork.

From:West's Encyclopedia of American Law
The common law also established the "marital paternity presumption," which holds that a child born during a marriage is the offspring of the husband. Therefore, a child born as a result of the wife's adulterous affair is recognized as a legitimate child of the marriage. This rule recognized that illegitimacy brought social stigma as well as severe economic penalties to a child, including the inability to inherit from the husband of the child's mother. By establishing a presumption of paternity and therefore legitimacy, the rule promoted family stability and integrity.
This is was in my mind after reading some of london's comments, but I would not have bothered to do all the googling. This is the argument pro marital paternity presumption that I have heard before, too.

My understanding is (sorry, no sources to support my statement) that in some countries the possibility to recognize someone else than the husband of the mother as legally the father of a child is a rather recent development. That is, if the marriage is still valid and the married couple has no intentions of divorcing. Thus those legislations accept that the social stigma of being an illegit child has lessened in the recent years and sometimes it is best for the child to have their biological father acknowledged legally, even if the mother is married to someone else. This requires consent and agreement of all adults involved, as I described in my previous post.

However, after all this discussion and the quotes provided by Emm, I'd say that most likely the OP stands pretty strong if she wants her husband to be recognized as the legal parent of her child. The BF has less to say than the husband, in most cases. I'd still strongly recommend the OP to check the local laws and get the knowledge of what to expect.
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Last edited by Nadya; 12-19-2013 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 12-19-2013, 05:19 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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This whole thing really says to me that the biological father doesn't matter until he does. So what happens after a divorce? Can the bio-mom then come after the bio-dad for child support even though all his rights were stripped away from him previously?
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Old 12-19-2013, 08:22 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Is that question relevant to the thread?
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Old 12-19-2013, 09:14 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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This was informative:


It appears that in order to get a court-ordered DNA test, your boyfriend would have to be able to prove that he has some reason to believe he is the father. Can he prove this, did you leave any kind of paper trail (emails, texts) that would establish that you two had a sexual relationship? If not, then you might be in the clear.

And for heaven's sake, dump his controlling manipulative ass pronto, and if he continues to threaten you in any way, look into a restraining order.
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Old 12-20-2013, 06:21 AM
london london is offline
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So lie, pretend you didn't have sex and make out he is completely deluded?

Or, tell the truth about the chances being tiny and get a paternity test before the kid can even hold their head up alone?
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Old 12-20-2013, 05:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It seems like the greater odds favor the husband being the bio dad. She could get a paternity test with her husband quietly on her own when ready without sharing her health business or her husband's health business with the BF at this time. Since she currently experiences BF as controlling and maybe abusive at this time.

If it is husband's? Paternity problem solved without involving BF at this time.

If it is NOT husband's... consider how to deal with sharing or not sharing that info with BF at THAT point in time.

Could take it one thing at a time here. It isn't like they have to go in for paternity tests as a happy trio.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-21-2013 at 04:57 AM.
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Old 12-20-2013, 10:17 PM
Becca Becca is offline
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Pregnancy often escalates abusive behavior. Let him know that you'll get a DNA test after the child is born (and he can avoid the litigation costs of taking you to court to require one), and that you will be sure to work out issues of custody and support if the child turns out to be his. But until then, tell him to take a hike, and take measures to protect yourself, physically and emotionally.

And if you want to explore your options for protecting your rights if he does turn out to be the biological father, talk to a local attorney. Don't get your legal advice from the internet.
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Old 12-21-2013, 12:14 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Just checking my facts: I think it's dangerous to DNA-test the child before he/she is born -- is that right? (Cuz otherwise, I'd totally recommend getting it done right away.)

I totally agree that now's the time to start getting professional legal advice. Oh and I would definitely break up with the boyfriend.
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Old 12-21-2013, 02:39 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's risky enough that if you have no other reason to go poking needles in there, it's preferable to wait. However, if there's other testing to be done (e.g. other genetic testing for potential prenatal treatments) then you can take the opportunity to test paternity.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
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from getting into a box yourself.
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family, husband, pregnant, relationship, secondary

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