Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 12-17-2013, 10:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,837
Default

Quote:
On the other hand why in the name of gods little green apples are you dating such a man.
When was the last time an abusive person walked up and said "Hi! I'm an abusive person. Want to go out on a date with me?"

Just point blank like that? He probably fronted a good initial game. Cracks didn't show til later. *shrug*

It isn't her fault he's loopy. I say good for her -- 2 mos in and she's ready to bail before it gets crazier. Just needs help doing so. I've seen people stuck in abusive relationships for years. Ugh.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-17-2013 at 10:36 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 12-17-2013, 10:25 PM
Spock Spock is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
When was the last time an abusive person walked up and said "Hi! I'm an abusive person. Want to go out on a date with me?"

Just point blank like that? He probably fronted a good initial game. Cracks didn't show til later. *shrug*

It isn't her fault he's loopy. I say good for her -- 2 mos in and she's ready to bail before it gets crazier. Just needs help doing so.

Galagirl
There is the possibility that her husband knew there was something screwy going on and she ignored him, too.

She never elaborated:
Quote:
We never set boundaries, which I know now we should have, as well as making our expectations clear. One thing is that my husband felt that he didn't like the guy and I he was insecure about me just up and leaving him. Even Though the whole time he kept telling me to go out with him and pretended to be happy because I was happy and excited. But then one night, 2 nights actually, he got drunk and kept sending hurtful awful texts to me and the guy I was dating. This guy, let's call him J, was very pissed off, for good reason, and tried to hash it out with H.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 12-17-2013, 10:26 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

A lot of the time when people say someone was ruled an unfit parent in a custody battle, they actually mean the other parent was deemed more suitable to be the custodial parent of that child and the other parent was given visitation. The judge decided in that particular case that one parent was in a better position to provide a "base" for the child. If you like, you could say that parent was said to be "better" than the other one.

That doesn't have any bearing on whether those parents would have the same outcome if either of them was in another custody battle for another child against a different parent.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 12-17-2013, 10:54 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 621
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
When was the last time an abusive person walked up and said "Hi! I'm an abusive person. Want to go out on a date with me?"

Just point blank like that? He probably fronted a good initial game. Cracks didn't show til later. *shrug*

It isn't her fault he's loopy. I say good for her -- 2 mos in and she's ready to bail before it gets crazier. Just needs help doing so. I've seen people stuck in abusive relationships for years. Ugh.

Galagirl
Agreed. I know a woman for whom reality is an often tenuous ever-changing (depending on how she feels at the moment) thing. However, on a casual basis, it really isn't obvious. She knows enough most of the time to look sane in most situations. It is only after you come to know her well that you start to see what a nut case she is.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-17-2013, 11:26 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Ok, firstly, this guy believes that there is a high chance he has a baby on the way. Now, given that the OP used condoms, that is unlikely and I don't understand why he is 90% sure the kid is his but maybe he is bad at Science.

Nevertheless, he believes he might have a baby on the way and actually, he is acting quite admirably. He Isnt being abusive by demanding his paternal rights. From what I have seen he has threatened legal action so he can obtain his legal rights over a child he (probably wrongly) thinks is his. Someone in his position would need a good lawyer and lots of money to petition for paternity and it must be awful for the men who are in that situation and are unable to rectify it.

The OP asked if his behaviour is abusive. No, it isn't whilst he believes he could be the Dad. If he refuses to accept that it's highly unlikely that he is the father and/or refuses to accept the results of a DNA test and continues this, sure, he is nuts. But right now, the OP even confused us about how likely it is that he is the father and seems to be operating as if the chances are 50/50 opposed to the very small chance that it really is and given that him being the father would be a nightmare for her, I would have doubts about anything she says regarding the odds if I were him.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 12-17-2013, 11:42 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 938
Default

If you read her last thread from a month ago the boyfriend wanted to move in with her and her husband. That would have made things what a month into their relationship at the latest. That doesn't scream potential bunny boiler to any one else. That and professions of deep and undying love early on in a relationship.

I am sorry this man met the OP as a blind date set up by the husband with the idea of a partner swap. The BF dumps his girlfriend and shows up anyway. Says he never wanted an open relationship but his exgf forced him. I am sorry all that info from a month ago should have been huge red flag.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 12-18-2013, 12:08 AM
katniss93 katniss93 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
Default

Thanks galagirl. I really appreciate the advice. I think I'm going to try backing away and figuring things out on my own. Just scared about court but I can't let that he the deciding factor.

When I was dating him he made himself vulnerable, open, and honest and I didn't think he would be such a control freak over my life. And when I tried talking to him face to face he would talk over me and tell me not to give up on him. But I think the best thing to do is break up with him via email or letter.

Thanks for all your advice. My mind is more clear and I know what I need to do.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 12-18-2013, 12:09 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

In that thread, I read that the OP's husband recruited the boyfriend and his former partner for wife swapping sex but due to problems in their relationship, the boyfriend split up with his former partner. The OP and the boyfriend hit it off anyway and the husband pretended to be okay about it but wasn't. Something that came to light later on. The combination of inexperience and the husband's revelation that he is struggling and may want to close the relationship at some point led both the OP and the boyfriemd to progress their relationship at a pace most would deem unwise. The boyfriend in particular became typically fixated on replicating the entanglements the OP has in her marriage, rather than focusing on developing their own entanglements, be they practical or otherwise. The OP wanted to maintain and progress with both relationships but the conflicting desires of her partners, particularly her husband who gave a deadline for closing their relationship, left her feeling stuck.

Now, boyfriend is freaking out about just how "secondary" he is because in his mind, her husband could non consensually replace him as the father of the child he helped to conceive, in every way that counts. Husband wants to have a "normal" family and will find it difficult to accept anyone being as entangled in their lives as they would be if they are a co-parent. And OP can't understand how it all went so wrong and just wants it to stop.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 12-18-2013, 12:11 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

All he has tried to "control" is his rights to a child he (probably wrongly) thinks is his. That isn't a bad thing. That's the right thing to do.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 12-18-2013, 01:12 AM
Spock Spock is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
All he has tried to "control" is his rights to a child he (probably wrongly) thinks is his. That isn't a bad thing. That's the right thing to do.
I disagree. It sounds like he is being manipulative.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
family, husband, pregnant, relationship, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:35 AM.