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Old 12-14-2013, 06:55 AM
AndrewKatie AndrewKatie is offline
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Default Poly-Curious Couple First Steps?

Hello everyone.
We're a married couple who've just had that opening discussion about considering looking into poly dating. We're not entirely sure yet what we're looking for, only that we know we're not into casual sex hookups, and that we'd be looking for someone to date jointly. Beyond that, we'd just like some advise on where to start learning more.

Last edited by AndrewKatie; 12-14-2013 at 07:07 AM. Reason: clarification
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Old 12-14-2013, 07:05 AM
london london is offline
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Make separate OKCupid profiles and both look for people to date.

And I'd abandon any rule you think you need too. But that is just me.
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Old 12-14-2013, 11:23 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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For some of the more common pitfalls of looking for a couple + 1 situation, you may find it useful to read this: So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter? You haven't mentioned if you're looking to jointly date a male or a female partner, but it's applicable to both.
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Old 12-14-2013, 01:49 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Welcome to the world of polyamory. For starters, most of us experienced poly people would recommend not dating as a unit. It's so hard to find a "woman to share," a "third," who will love and lust for you equally, and vice versa.

So many pitfalls. Do a tag search here for "unicorn," or "unicorn hunters" to see the stories of woe. Here is one comprehensive thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62800
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Old 12-14-2013, 04:55 PM
AndrewKatie AndrewKatie is offline
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Maybe we need to clarify a bit more. We're not looking for an "open marriage" or to date other people separately. This is something we're only interested in doing together. We've talked about possibly seeing another couple or singles. We're trying not to rule out any combination of sexes/genders though.
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Old 12-14-2013, 05:42 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndrewKatie View Post
Maybe we need to clarify a bit more. We're not looking for an "open marriage" or to date other people separately. This is something we're only interested in doing together. We've talked about possibly seeing another couple or singles. We're trying not to rule out any combination of sexes/genders though.
Dating as a couple is possible. I have known several that did is successfully including myself. We did it with respect to the other person and respect to ourselves.

We ended up in a dual couple quad..

As we progressed we became more flexible, and continued to show respect to individuals... we did eventually date as individuals, which ironically turned into a double coupling.. hah

It can be a hard road. Dating as an individual is easier.

So first steps, OKC works for most people I know, it never did much for me. I only had one successful OKC date, and it turned into the quad I am in haha.. Join some poly meetup groups.. Find like minded people, in real life, and start expanding your social circles. Thats one thing we (as a group) did well. I would say 99% of our friends are poly, or poly friendly.. it makes meeting people who are interested in that type of relationship easier.

I did better in person, in bars, or playing sports.

There is a lot of anti couple mantra on this site. Dont take it too personally. What you describe can be healthy and work. But it is a harder road statistically.. ..

Good luck
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Old 12-14-2013, 08:22 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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People do lots of things that aren't "easy" or "common" and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just good to know what you're getting into, so that you won't be too deflated if it takes years to find someone who enjoys both your company.

Be cautious of "couple privilege" i.e. treating each other better than you treat the newer member of the union. It's an easy trap to fall in, thinking you need to "protect" your relationship.

Another thing to consider is, what happens if you find someone you both like and who likes both of you, and you date them for a while... but then the love falls off between them and one of you, but not the other. Do you force the other to break up with someone when there's still lots of love? Do you accept the new dynamic?

It's very hurtful to make someone give up something they've come to cherish, and it inevitably leads to resentment. It can really erode the bond you share, and make you hesitant to try again, for fear of falling in love with someone only to have them taken away again.

May I ask, what are your reasons for wanting to date as a couple rather than individually?
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Old 12-14-2013, 11:43 PM
AndrewKatie AndrewKatie is offline
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(Andrew here)
I really don't know how else to explain/clarify it. Dating other people separately just isn't something we're interested in. Our initial interest was piqued by the sexual aspects of a polyamorous relationship, but we're not interested in hooking up with strangers just for the sake of a threesome (etc). We've read many of the stories here and elsewhere about couples who end up "using" a third or other couple as a sex toy, and we don't want to do that to anyone.

I suppose our outlook in this is similar to our attitudes about single dating. We're not out looking for Mr/Ms/Mr&Mrs Right to get into a permanent triad/qaud right away. We'd like someone to make a connection with, to get to know, and, yes, have sex with. If such a relationship grows into something more over time, then we're open to that. In the meantime, we feel like this lifestyle/lovestyle is something that would make for a good adventure and something to strengthen and enrich our existing relationship.
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Old 12-15-2013, 01:47 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My advice listen to people who have years heck some with a decade or more experience who are trying to help you both avoid the heartache we hear over and over again on these and other message boards or based upon their own real life experiences.

If I had a nickel for every newbie couple who thought they had it all figured out...

In another words you came here looking for advice. Folks here have offered done kind helpful advice yet you don't want it because it is not what you want to hear.
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  #10  
Old 12-15-2013, 03:36 AM
AndrewKatie AndrewKatie is offline
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So after some more research and discussion, digging into many good points brought up around this forum, we've realized that what we're looking for is less of a relationship and more like "friends with benefits," someone (or someones) to play with on occasion. Upon deeper reflection, we're not sure we'd ever be completely comfortable with integrating another person or people into our lives. There are many factors and pitfalls for such things that we hadn't thought of before.

We realize that what we're looking for may not really be considered "polyamory" at all. We'd like to thank everyone who chimed in for their advice. We would like to ask one more thing: Given that we've figured out more of what want, does anyone here have advice to point us more in the right direction to learn more?
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