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  #51  
Old 01-08-2012, 08:36 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default Guess its kinda getting better

I had a small panic attak this morning when I woke up and F was already gone to spend the day with T.

But tonight we are all playing a card game together and its not too bad, but the idea of her spending the night upsets me a little. Im having trouble getting use to this.

T was incredibly nice to me when she came in, but F has been basically ignoring me while T has been here, I know how John feels when Im around F and dont give him kisses or touch him.

I am not sure what to do, not being able to see them bothers me the most I think. They disappear into his room and I get all panicy.

Im having a lot of trouble with this. Im going nuts... Im not sure what to do.

they want to roll D&D characters... I did not sign up for this. I'd rather DM.

Yep, they go to bed, panic attack starts, I cant keep doing this.
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  #52  
Old 01-08-2012, 02:37 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Why can't they go over her place to spend the night, where you won't have to see it? I know that I probably wouldn't be able to stand having an ex around so much right after a break-up, especially if I was already jealous of their time with my partner.
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  #53  
Old 01-08-2012, 03:25 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riftara View Post
I have a feeling T and F wont last much longer than the NRE. I just dont think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.
I don't think I'd count on this, myself. If they do last longer than NRE, you'll be devastated again because you didn't think it would last longer. You have no control over how long their relationship lasts and I think you need to work on accepting the relationship, not just struggling through the NRE period thinking they'll break up after the NRE ends.
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  #54  
Old 01-08-2012, 07:00 PM
Juntas Juntas is offline
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I have been telling her this since I came home on leave (I am her husband), I wish I could do more to help her, deal with what she is going through. She is just adding more stress to mine and her relationship. It feels like I tell her on a daily basis to worry about the things that she can control.
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  #55  
Old 01-16-2012, 12:22 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Yes, I know dear. And now that you are gone again, my life somehow gets more complicated.

Annabel - She lives with her mom, and her mom knows Im his gf, but not that she is too. Not that her mom would be ok with him spending the night even if she did know they were together.

Im getting better about everything, though its still hard for me sometimes. I love her, and to see him get time with her when I want it is the worst feeling. Somehow I'm ok with R having another girl now, but T being with F, or rather F being with T (no one seems to get the distinction) hurts.

T and F got into a fight last night, so he spent a long time on the phone with her when I asked for this weekend to be just F and me, somehow T was in the picture, with us or on the phone, both Friday and Sat night. And I asked T to hang out tonight and she said she had plans, if those plans are coming over here I think I will be hurt, she could come a little early and spend a little time with me. Im hoping that she has plans with another friend.

F told me T is feeling vulnerable, well I've felt that way for weeks, and I know he doesnt even know that because I feel like I cant say anything because he might leave me - he says I push too much and that is the consensus. I dont even realize it unless I step back, so I'm only asking how he feels about us once a week and currently, its "Im just seeing how things go". Until he can say "I want to be with you" I will feel restricted and vulnerable and even a little alone. But I dont know how to talk about it without pushing him away, I feel like Im in fake it til you make it mode. He makes me happy, so I really dont want to loose him, but when left to my own devices, I think that he doesnt want to be with me.

I need a boy-toy, a distraction. Someone who knows that they are just a distraction. I thought about going back to R but everyone thinks that is a bad idea, and I know it is. I started talking to this one guy, who would be perfect because he wouldn't want a relationship, just sex. But I think he is pursuing a real relationship. Grr.

and I'm missing John like crazy, which doesnt help at all. I know I'll get use to him being gone again in time, like I always do, but right now, his absence is felt quite keenly.
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  #56  
Old 01-16-2012, 07:43 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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Bad panic attack last night. Very bad.

Triggered because I felt like they went behind my back to see each other.

See, I asked T to hangout and she said she had plans, so I went out with a friend, then F sends me a txt telling me he is bringing T home.

All I can do now is trust them, but I do want a timeline of events last night, which I will likely not get. Dont want to push for anything.

Im trying to remember my therapy. Just because I think something doesnt make it true, I cant control others actions, only my response to them.

Its so hard to be calm, like I don't care about things that hurt me, like seeing her, even her hugging me, simple gestures she thinks are being nice and good and they just hurt. I know Im being unreasonable, I mean there is nothing she can do that would make me happy other than be with me again and that is not going to happen.

Maybe I just need to try, ask her, in a way that makes it easy for her, basically ask permission to flirt back, to kiss her when I feel the urge.
Or just start flirting with her. Not that I really remember how to do that. Flirting with a girl is a little different in some aspects.

...

Well what do you know, a short talk and we are kissing friends... not lovers, no sex, none of that stuff, just flirting and kissing, breaking down walls that we've both put up. Slowly, a little at a time. I can do this, Im not sure how, but I can. I broke down one wall, its her turn now.
Im anxious about the whole thing but I didn't realize how I was pushing her away by closing myself off to her flirting and such. So this new arrangement is a start... maybe it will finally lead to what I really want
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  #57  
Old 01-18-2012, 02:50 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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F told me he does want to be with me, and our sex last night was perfect.

So even though I feel like shit physically, I feel wonderful emotionally.

Ive been so worried that he was going to leave me at the drop of a hat, and now i feel much more secure. and I feel our relationship is much better and I love it.

Its amazing that one good night can start the path to fixing everything - not that we will be the same as we were but we will be strong and that is all that matters.
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M - John's girlfriend
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  #58  
Old 01-18-2012, 07:57 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default My two loves... well two of my loves

F is not much of a talker, but he is do-er. I'm a talker, over and over on the same subject until I've said it 10 ways. He prefers one, clear, measured conversation, and then to act on that conversation.

He considers time in the same room together time, while I only count interaction time as together time. I remedy this by touching him, laying on his shoulder while he plays a video game makes me feel like we are together.

F is stubborn, not likely to change how he feels or reacts to anything, even when presented a good argument, unless multiple people present the same argument - in his eyes.

F is a take life as it comes type of person, while I like to plan.

As different as F and I are, he is good for me, he forces me out of my comfort zone, but he does so gently, he recognizes that we are different, he respects my boundaries but encourages me to push them.

And I love him for all of that. I love him for being who he is and not changing for me. He's the first guy who loved me and showed his love the way he does.

John on the other hand is very much like me.
He is willing to talk as much as I want to and never asks me to cut it short or get frustrated when I say the same basic thing over and over

John likes to be close physically and really only counts time spent close as time together.

John is willing to change his point of view, if the argument is a good one.

John accepts me for who I am, he loves me unconditionally. He doesnt expect or even want me to change anything about who I am.

And I love him for that. I love that he loves me with everything he has, that he shows me every day how special I am to him, even from 1500 miles away.
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M - John's girlfriend
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  #59  
Old 01-20-2012, 12:18 AM
Juntas Juntas is offline
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I do what I can to make you feel loved baby, I still feel like I should be able to do more, but I am glad that what I do seems to be enough for you. I love you and thanks for explaining the differences between me and him.
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  #60  
Old 01-20-2012, 03:42 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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You do an amazing job love.

So T and I had plans tonight and I hurt so bad that I don't want to go out, so she offered to bring over a movie and watch it with me.

I wish I could just hold her while we watched a movie, it would make me so happy to be able to touch her for that long. I feel so much love for her and to have to hold back hurts so bad sometimes.

At the same time I don't want her to spend the night because that means she is spending time with, and having sex with, F and I want to be the one in F's position.

Im hopelessly in love and I hate myself for it sometimes. Especially since the feelings aren't exactly returned. If I felt that doing love spells was ethical, I would so totally do one on her. I'm avoiding the word love, I don't want to scare her away again. I express that I care for her and that I still want us to be more, but not so often that it makes her uncomfortable. Its a fine tightrope to walk and I hope I don't fall. I have to be optimistic though, or I have to face that I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. The question is "is it worth it" and the answer is "yes" at least right now.

Its nice though to be stable, for three weeks now, and to be at least mostly comfortable with everything. I still have panic attacks but other than that I'm ok. No crying at night or being mad or feeling like I have to talk out everything. I'm stable and I haven't been in a while, so I feel really good about it. Not too good though. Thats the thing that sux about bi-polar, you can't be too happy for too long or you will go manic. Or at least I will.

I think everything would be easier if John was still here. I'd have someone to spend my time with and distract me from the fact that F is getting what I want and I would be able to be held when I was hurting because she can't give me what I want yet. I can't ask F for that, because he will just tell me to give her time and be patient. I'm not asking her for more, I'm just hurting that I can't. God I need to figure out something. How do I deal with this and still try to make things work with her. I feel that it is worth my time, but I'm not sure how long it will be worth my heart.

I miss John! I miss my best friends, and I miss having parties at the house every weekend. John has only been gone a week, not even a week, but it feels like months. That reference makes me feel like I have been waiting on T for months too, when I know I havent. And that I haven't seen certain people for months.

I should be happy with what I have. My life is good. I have two men that love me, well really three - since R does too. I have a chance with the girl I love and I have two beautiful children and a job that will soon make me plenty of money. I just need to throw myself into something, I need a distraction. Something that will take my mind and my energy.

Right now I can't even focus on my kids, because my mom has them. If I didn't have to work, I would, but she has no gas money to bring them home every day. And I have no money to give her for gas. Ive got to keep my job, I need the money and I need the outlet. Working from home would mean I got to keep the kids here, if they werent so young. I can't leave my son unattended for 4 hours at a time. My daughter, maybe, but not my son.
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