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  #41  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:13 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default Talking it out

So all my closest friends came over last night to talk to me and they made me feel a lot better.

Im not sure if T and I are still a couple, but she wants us to get to know each other better. I don't even know how to do that, and when F is always around when she is, we get no alone time, though we did cuddle on the couch a bit today, but I initiated it and Im afraid to initiate anything, even kisses. Ive asked her for her boundaries but she hasnt responded.

I want to be more intimate with T and it drives me nuts that she wont even talk to me about what she wants and where she is comfortable because that is all I want is for her to be comfortable in our relationship.

I want to help her discover her boundaries without pushing and Im not sure how to do that. She says she doesnt know what they are.

Im thinking about getting her something with a claddagh symbol on it, it means love loyalty and friendship. I know where I can get a ring cheap but Im not sure I want it to be a ring. That may be a little much for a new relationship.
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  #42  
Old 12-22-2011, 10:31 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default A scary confession

Since I am going to reveal this to my lovers tomorrow for us to make a joint decision, I will post out my thoughts here first, F prefers me to have all my "ducks in a row" before I come to him with something.

I dont know what to do. I found out my birth control - nuvaring - doesnt kick in immediately like I thought, it takes 7 days if you dont put it in right after your period. So I put it in Monday, so it will apparently kick in next monday, on the 26th. I figured out I ovulated today or yesterday. Ive had unprotected (unknown to me until today) sex with F, both last night and the night before and I know he will want to tonight. I can brush off and not have sex tonight, or get him to not come in me, but If I ovulated yesterday, the likely hood that I am pregnant is high, both times I got pregnant, I had sex the day of ovulation, I usually avoid when Im not protected, but I thought I was. Now I have the possibility of being pregnant, with about a 70% chance, considering that I had unprotected sex on the day of, no matter when it happened. As far as I know Everytime I had sex within 12 hours, Ive gotten pregnant. I know Ive had a few "missed miscarriages" since my cycle is so perfect, when it is off, I likely was pregnant for a few days, says my doc anyway.

I'm not going to let it happen again and just up the chances, but if it has happened I would want all of us, including T, to have a say in what happens. I could go with herbs or the morning after pill (you actually have like 72 hours), but I know F believes that things like that are wrong, but I also know he doesnt want kids at all right now, though he does in the future.

I already took herbs as a precaution once, and it really upset F, I didnt tell him what was going on and we ended up in a big fight about it. I feel so bad, I kinda want to go get the morning after pill anyway, and just not tell any of them, I know that the egg hasnt implanted yet and wont for like a week, so to me, that isnt abortion, but to F it is. Even not knowing if it happened and taking precautions to prevent implantation, like I did with the herbs (im an herbalist) makes F upset, but If I do get that positive, it will upset everyone, especially John, because he wants to have another kid but I wont because he wont be around. That is why I put in my ring.

I know I need to know what I want and have a clear argument for it and I know no matter what this is going to cause problems, even if Im not pregnant. Should I just shutup about it until I find out if I am or not, because even if Im not, it will cause a big upset. If I am, John will still be here when I find out. I can test on the 1st, my period will be due on the 4th, and John doesnt leave until the 14th

This is going to go to the main boards, I need some insight
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  #43  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:17 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default One down...

I told John about the possibility that I am pregnant with F's kid. he was upset, but he said it has always been a possibility and he isnt gong anywhere and he is behind me no matter what I do. He is also against me preventing anything from happening.

We decided that if Im not, I get an IUD ASAP. That should prevent me from having this happen again until the situation is right for F or John.

Ive found myself hoping I am on some levels, I guess that is the natural way for it to work, survival of the baby and the race and such. Im still waiting to talk to F about it, and Im afraid of that discussion, but I kinda want to be pregnant, not because its his kid, just because Ive found myself wanting another baby.

After the scary discussion with John was over, I felt like it would all be ok if I was. It made me want it, knowing there isnt going to be a big huge problem in mine and John's relationship

Right now the thought of putting in an iud saddens me. I know Im messed up emotionally because of the change in my meds, but I also know that right now, if John was going to be home for a little while, we would try to have a kid.

Maybe Im just messed up because the doc changed my meds
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  #44  
Old 12-24-2011, 07:11 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Hey there, great that it worked out for now and that you don't have to face this alone. But ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by riftara View Post

We decided that if Im not, I get an IUD ASAP.

[...] just because Ive found myself wanting another baby.

Right now the thought of putting in an iud saddens me.
This worries me. You say 'we' but I can't see this mutual agreement later on. If this saddens you, if you don't want this to happen to your body and to your possibilities and if you want a child, you should have said so to him. Some commented on the 'super big problem' thread that they see some things that rose some red flags in their opinion. I think it was about this 'getting attention' you mentioned twice or thrice. Are you able to speak your mind when you have conversations with them? Or do you tend to keep those important thoughts to yourself? If yes, why? You haven't messed up anything. Something like that can happen and both of them should start by searching their own faults before they begin to count yours.
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  #45  
Old 12-28-2011, 01:52 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default Its not just up to me

If I could have a kid right now, if I had someone who was going to be around an wanted to have a kid with me, I would do it, but F doesnt want one and John wont be around.

I am hoping I am pregnant and I think that if Im not its going to upset me, and its something Im not sure if I can handle or not. And I wont be able to go to F about it, and John will be gone.

How f'd up am I.

The good thing is John and I were having trouble reconnecting and we figured out what I problem was, quite simple actually. We were trying to fit ourselves into an old mold of what our relationship was "suppose" to be, instead of letting it be what it wants to be. We have to realize that we change and our relationship must change too

Im down at JOhn;s parents house for the week, and Im really missing home, and F and T and my friends and Im really upset about a lit of stuff, and I keep trying to remind myself that if I am pregnant and I want to keep the baby I need to be calm.

Ive been upset a lot lately, and I wonder if it is just my medicine or if im actually loosing control. Or I guess it doesnt matter why im loosing control, just that I am.

I want to curl up and sleep until the 4th. It would be best for me to not have to deal with anything until I can find out if Im pregnant or not. And I feel bad hoping that I am.

I want to have the can we please have kids talk with F, but I know its way too early for us to think that long term together. We are going to talk about getting handfasted in about two months, then I guess I can see about putting a time frame on children. I really want to be done with kids by the time Im 30. But I do want more. I know Ive got a few years, but still.

In my magical world of everything I want, Id either be pregnant now (best option) or F would be okay with us having a kid if it happened to happen. Not that I want to track and OPK and try to have a kid, but to be open to it happening. but I know we are a ways from that. I know Im not thinking right right now.

Im so messed up. I want to scream and I want to cry and i want to... I dont know. Something. Anything, nothing.

Im so stressed, cant be if Im wanting to be and stay pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't want to be, but now that its a real possibility Im hoping it is, that it happened. Maybe that makes me a bad person.
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  #46  
Old 12-28-2011, 02:58 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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You're certainly not a bad person for wanting a child with a loved partner! I know the timing is poor for all involved but wanting to be pregnant even in a complicated situation is not wrong.

Have you told your doc about a possible pregnancy? Some bipolar meds are not safe for pregnant women or their babies.

*hugs*
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  #47  
Old 12-29-2011, 02:54 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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I see a woman's health Psychologist, all the meds Im on are safe for pregnancy and I even take a ton of folic acid to counteract any negatives of the meds. .4mg is what you are "suppose" to take as a pregnant woman. I take 3mg every day.
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  #48  
Old 01-02-2012, 05:36 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default

I have been told I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. Im not sure exactly how Ive changed, and I dont know if I can "fix" it and become at least one who makes my lovers happy. If not who I was.

I know that I have been swinging crazy lately, and I know its taking a toll on F. I want to be the one who makes him happy like I did when we got together, but I dont even know what about me made him happy. Hes close to his breaking point, so I have to tread very lightly. I think I have done well these past few days, but I know he wont respond to a change that fast. I have to show him that I am serious about making him happy and being happy and not being as stressed as I have been and using my tools to conquer my emotional problems. I have felt good emotionally maybe because I have blocked everything out, but other than mourning the loss of the baby, I havent been too upset, well thats not true, T says she wants to break up, Im not even sure where we stand, but its not something I want to bring up right now. I dont even know what Im going to do next but I do know that mine and F's date tomorrow night will be full of flirting and fun, I have to make it fun and prove to him Im trying.

I figure that it will take a few weeks or so to rebuild with F and I want to limit the time T is here, the primary relationship has to come first and be stable in order for poly to work. I have to insure both mine and John's and mine and F's relationships are stable and right now they arent.

I have a lot to think about and to try to decide what to do about, and right now that doesnt scare me. Im actually feeling pretty good about most things, I just need to set a temporary boundary on how much T is here until F and I are back on track. If he values our relationship he will do it, if he doesn't then I will start to look elsewhere.
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  #49  
Old 01-06-2012, 06:55 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default well damn

So T broke up with me. She is still seeing F and since I only said ok to breaking my rule of another relationship was because I wanted her, it is really bothering me.

F and I are still on shaky ground but at least we had sex. John and I are still not there. That makes me sad.

T is still around because of her and F are seeing each other still. I need to set some boundaries and discover what Im comfortable with at this moment. I know Im not comfortable with her being around all the time. Especially since they have "gotten closer" and I feel put out because of F's desire to leave me.

I re-iterated my primary status today and im not sure it was a good move. But then again, our triad is gone, so I feel until he says otherwise, I am his primary.
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  #50  
Old 01-06-2012, 07:51 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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Default Panic is bad

So T came over last night, I went to bed before she left so I have no idea how long she was here, but I had a panic attack when she got here. I've got to get control over my feelings about F and T. I can't have a panic attack every time she is here. I don't know if its because shes my ex or shes seeing F, I know I didnt have them before she broke up with me, so maybe its just the ex thing. Im not one for hanging out with my ex's immediately after we break up.

Either way, I know Im not comfortable with her being at the house and I also know I can't tell F she can't be at the house. Leaves me in a complicated place, I have to limit the time she is at the house in order to limit the amount of pain I have in her being here. I know I will get over it eventually, but for now I need space and time.

I found out her being here and F and T being in public places bothers my friend, who is like a little sister to me, because T is all over F.

Ive been trying really hard this week to be more relaxed and confident and well, more me. Im not sure how Im doing, but I do know Im trying and Im willing to do more. F admitted that he can see Im trying and that he doesnt feel everything is " back to normal " I just want him to be as happy and comfortable as I am in our relationship.

I am afraid that since he is a serial monogamist that his heart has already left me and moved to T. He says he still loves me and we are still having sex, so I guess that isnt a problem yet.

I have a feeling T and F wont last much longer than the NRE. I just dont think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.
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