Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 12-07-2011, 10:36 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default Primary, Seconday

Robert and I finally had an oen talk about primary relationships and where we were and how he felt. He said I am his orimary, but he doesnt feel like mine and wont feel like mine until John gets home and everything goes smoothly.

He did place T as his secondary, though we agreed the terms where not the best way to describe it.

We also agreed on at least one date night for me and at least one date night for T a week.

The date night with T im still getting use to, I feel like I need it first but then I feel selfish. I had a panic attack when theirs was over the other night. I need to find some way of getting over the emotions I feel but I cant even pinpoint them.

I guess I feel like Im going to loose him to her, though I know that is crazy and she is just a little more than a fuck buddy to him, hes not in love with her or living with her or even thinking about committing to her the way he is with me. I am his primary. I am his Primary I am his primary

He said we can talk about a handfasting in 3 months after john gets home, i'll move that to john leaving and that puts us in mid-april. I want it so bad though, and he wants to be the one to ask me to make that commitment when ive already said i would. its hard to bite my tongue on something that was ok to talk about but isnt now.

Hes says it moving too fast, well it wasnt too fast for him to move in with me essential after a few weeks. I guess his stops are just in weird places for me and I feel like he keeps comparing our relationship to the one he had with his ex wife. I could just as easily compare ours to mine and Drews(the guy who sexually abused me) and maybe I do. But Im not willing to do something because of that comparison, or not do it as the case may be.

I need to work on communicating my boundaries, what im ok with and what im not, not that those wont change in the future, but what i need right now. I need to figure how to set those boundaries without feeling controlling or manipulative
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 12-09-2011, 09:39 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default Trouble Brews

So I found out that T occasionally partakes in the smoking of certain herbal relaxants.

This is a deal breaker to me. I have kids that I dont have custody of, and I could loose my time with my daughter if I was "hanging out with drug users" and F is a sheriff deputy in the county we were in when she did, so it would mean bad things for her to get in trouble for it in that county.

And if its a deal breaker, she can't be around me or my kids. period. So if F wants to keep seeing her he will have to do it outside of the house. This is really hard for me because I am falling for her.

I didnt think she was a user bc she has kids of her own, but I guess that she doesnt see the harm in it.
Im worried about my kids and F's job here.
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 12-09-2011, 10:51 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,616
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by riftara View Post
So if F wants to keep seeing her he will have to do it outside of the house.
Personally I would be more specific and say not within 100 yards (or a mile) of the property and yourself. You don't want to come home and find they have been smoking on the front porch/back yard, which is technically "outside the house".
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 12-09-2011, 10:57 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

I think Rift meant that if F wants to spend time with her, period, it has to be outside of her home. Like, T is no longer welcome in her house, smoking or no.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 12-10-2011, 02:33 AM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

Yes, it I find that she is still doing it after our talk about it, then it will be over for me, and if F wants to continue to take the risk of dating her, then I dont want the relationship to be around my children. Or her to be around my children. I do have friends that smoke, but my kids never see them. Since F lives with me, his choice of lover has to be ok with me on my children's level. My children see T a lot right now and our kids play together often, She's too big a part of our life to risk her being caught up in legal troubles, especially in the county where F works, which is where she goes out most of the time.
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 12-10-2011, 03:16 AM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

So, Im still a little miffed at T but she said she was sorry and she will do anything to prove that.

I hope that this gets worked out and she doesnt do it again.

I told her how I feel about her, and she admitted that she's scared and that she's emotionally walled. I want to get through that wall so bad. I want to be the reason she smiles in the mornings.

I am trying to encourage her to open up, I know something is bothering her but she wont tell me what, she gives excuses that I know arent the real reasons. Im really good at reading people's emotions.

Im afraid of pushing her too hard though.
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 12-11-2011, 02:50 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default I'm going crazy

I'm in an episode, and the fact that T is not returning my feelings is not helping. Everyone has been asking me if Im ok the past few days, even my mother. My mom is coming to get the kids and Im going off the grid for a few days. Not answering txts or phone calls or emails for a few days will help me focus on processing, so I maybe on here writing out my feelings.

Im looking forward to getting our new puppy, it will give me something to focus on. Apparently this pup howls Ive always wanted a dog that howls. Of course, being a wolf its going to. Thats right, Im getting a wolf dog. In about 4 days.

Im stressed beyond belief right now. I dont know what to do about anything and when Im unable to make decisions I know that Im going to be manic really soon. I have been taking my meds but Im not stable at all. I bought a new book on handling bi-polar I guess now would be a good time to read it. I was going to wait on John because it has things for loved ones of people with bi-polar.

Im falling in love with T, I feel like Im fallign apart because she is so scared, shes never been with a woman before. I wish she would just open up to me, everyone wants me to be patient, and I know i should but Im going manic and I feel like everything is now or never. I want her now. I want to fall in love with her.

At the same time, I want to get out before I get really hurt.
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 12-11-2011, 03:20 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

I know it may not help to have one more person give you advice you don't feel like you can follow right now, but for someone exploring a new side of their sexuality for the very first time not feeling pressured is going to be essential. Give her as much space and time as you possibly can. Let her come to you as if she were a frightened cat -- coax her and call her but don't chase her.

I think taking time away from the world as you described above is an excellent idea.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 12-11-2011, 07:07 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default Alone

All my friends are worried about me but none of them are willing to come spend time with me. I need someone to be around to keep me from doing something stupid. I almost cut myself last night. I dont want to die I just want to externalize my pain. Or numb it away with alcohol.

Everyone, including my momther, wants me to check into a hospital but John will be home soon, and I have to get the puppy and I have my daughters birthday party on Saturday and I know they would keep me longer than a few days, as fucked up as I am right now.

Its not just T, its a lot of other things, F spending less time with me now that nre is over and he is hanging with his friends more, without me. Plus he has to make time for T, which I understand. My best friend hasnt seen me in a month and she keeps making excuses for why she cant come over, or doesnt want to... my babydaddy (who she is not with) is having a party for the band tonight, oh this thing you are going to do is not my style, oh, Im already drunk, - excuses from last night, in order, first was when she thought we were just leaving for the event, the other after. She didnt even offer an alternative, like how about F pick me up and bring me over. I consider her my sister and since my real sister isnt talking to me at the moment, I have one female in my life that I can rely on and she is at work right now. And its not T who it should be imo, since she is my gf and all.

And I have my daughter's party to worry about it being great and John is going to be home and I wish I knew how that was going to go down. Im anxious about everything and worrying about everything and its just driving me crazy - quite literally.

Im off the grid and feeling more alone than ever, F had to go to a family only thing today so he couldnt take me with him, though he said he didnt really want to leave me alone he didnt have a choice, they specifically said no girlfriends / boyfriends, etc.

All my friends are too busy for me right now and I want someone, anyone, to be here with me. I cant get in touch with John because his phone isnt on. I cant believe no one is free.

IS the world just against me? I know that none of this directly involves my polyamory but it does involve me, and right now, I need Me to be ok more than anything and I dont know how. Im lost and I cant make decisions on anything, I didnt even really get dressed this morning. Im wearing jeans and a hoodie. Everyone says this seems to be coming from nowhere and I hate when I cant pinpoint a reason, but I know it started before my last counselor session. I mentioned feeling alone to her then. I have another tomorrow and I've asked F to come up with me and help me talk to the counselor.

i know i need help, but i know i dont want to go to the hospital, life is too busy for that right now
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 12-12-2011, 12:25 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,314
Default

Rift,

Go into the hospital hon. Please. John and your other loved ones will be there for you. You are a danger to yourself right now. Do your loved ones know how bad it is?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:29 AM.