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  #11  
Old 12-13-2013, 06:17 AM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post

It seems to me that sex is the great big elephant in the room that neither of you wants to mention out loud. Even if nothing can be done to fix it, I wonder if talking about it wouldn't be healthier because then at least you could express your feelings to each other about it. The unspoken has a way of growing and growing until it explodes.

Kevin T.
Honesty is a great policy, but sadly, reality doesn't always reward it. People who are chronically ill can, at times, have difficulty dealing with yet another burden. Being reminded that their partner has sexual needs which are going unmet can make the ill partner feel pressured, guilty, sad, and even more hopeless. They don't choose to be ill, they don't wan't to be ill, but it is out of their control. A reminder that their partner's sexual choices are also out of their control can be overwhelming. They can become depressed, or angry, or overly apologetic; all natural responses but ones which put an equally unfair burden on the healthy person.

Being in an open relationship, which should in theory give freedom, can in reality be almost worthless if by taking action you unintentionally rub your partner's nose in the fact that you have a freedom they do not, and that they can't truly feel happiness about.

Or in other words, that elephant in the room can crush both people if things go badly, and words are said which can't be forgotten.

Just some more thoughts, from my own experiences.
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  #12  
Old 12-13-2013, 02:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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First of all, glad your gf has a diagnosis and is having the appropriate surgery, and soon! That is great. Sure, surgery is always worrisome, but I am sure it will go fine. Then she can get on her hormone replacement meds and maybe this will all be a thing of the past? The arthritis could get better?

My gf also has some bad physical challenges, and it does affect her libido, physically and emotionally. This can cause me great frustration because my libido is through the roof.

If you still need to get some sex and intimacy outside the relationship, I'd recommend revamping your dating profiles. I think I've had some success on okc because I am a naturally optimistic positive person. (And I am not a cute young woman-- I am 58 and overweight, but I think I'm pretty anyway! And certain other people seem to think so too.) If your profile is all about, Ohhh, my partner is ill, Ohhhh I need sex so bad, Ohhh whine whine whine, yeah. No, you're not going to get dates. Tell potentials what good things you have to offer. Tell them what fun and yumminess you'll bring to the table.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #13  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by yakchef View Post
Due to health issues and chronic pain my sweetie and I no longer have sex. We have been dating for a year and a half and living together since late summer. I love her and am committed to her.
I am right there with ya. My wife has fibro and its been a battle. My wife has come an incredible distance, with both pain management from a medical standpoint and emotional one. Most people don't realize how agony affects mental capacity. If you sweetie is keeping it together, be grateful for her strength.

Quote:
I feel rather embarrassed because we are poly, I should be able to get my sexual needs met elsewhere but I can't. I don't feel confident anymore, it must come out as me being unattractive because no one wants to go on a date or play with me.
Is it lack of confidence or caused by guilt? Is her pain stopping her from enjoying sex, and you going out and finding partners is affecting your confidence because you don't want to enjoy sex with someone else while she hurts?

Pain in a spouse can create a sad co-dependent union. Making her pain, your pain, in other ways. It becomes self sabotage.

Quote:
Sometimes I just wish I could remove that part of my brain that desires sex, making out, flirting, kink, play, all of it.
Ya.. umm... I don't think you do.. that would suck..

Quote:
I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking about myself and just focus on the things I do have. And I need to focus my energy on being solid to help deal with my sweetie's medical issues and being her support person.
Pain management is only one part of dealing with pain. Are you guys seeing counselling, or other help beyond simple pain. The simple truth

She has to deal with the pain
You have to support her in that
You don't have to carry her pain with you
You have to live life too

If you can be happy, you might be surprised by how happy it makes her and in turn makes her feel good. A circle of sadness and pain, creates a toilet affect.. spiralling downward further and further. Someone needs to do a hard left and drive the other way.

Reading your post, hit home for me. Between my mom when I was young and my wife.. I have had a long history of dealing with others pain, as someone who never suffers. I have learned what is required and she has done more than her part too.

Anyways, if I missed the mark, sorry, I jumped on some assumptions based on the tone of your thread.
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  #14  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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ok reading some other posts, I see you have counselling of some kind. Besides trying to suggest ways to hook up, has she suggested any other methods to increase your well being..

Sex is fine as a single event.. but your well being overall can't be tied to fucking.

Hobbies, job, life, sports.. friendship.. all of these things will help..

fucking isn't a cure..
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  #15  
Old 12-13-2013, 07:23 PM
yakchef yakchef is offline
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Thank you, Studentforlife, I think it would be very helpful for me to talk with someone who goes through similar things with their partner.

I definitely agree that talking about sex with my sweetie would be a BAD idea. Her view is that since we are poly, I should be able to get my needs met elsewhere, and if I can't, that's my own problem to deal with and she shouldn't have to hear about it. I don't disagree with that, I think it's fair. As for missing sex with her, I think she misses it too in her own way, in a sort of abstract sense, but it's not something that is possible and quite frankly I don't have any hope that it's ever coming back, so talking about it is pointless. It puts needless pressure on her and it does not a bit of good.

My okcupid profile is NOT whiney or "woe is me" and I feel a bit condescended to in that assessment. If you want to look at it, it's afewgaytigers.

Yes, I realize I need to increase my happiness for my own benefit as well as my sweetie's, and that fucking is not a magic cure. At this point I am simply trying to adjust and diminish my sexuality, as it has become obvious that I will no longer have any means of sexual expression in the future. And I am working on figuring out what me being happy with that looks like.

My therapist mainly talks to me about self compassion because I have a problem with being too hard on myself.

I don't really know what good it would do to talk to her about my sexual and romantic frustrations. The last time I told her I missed being desired she mentioned that desire can look like a lot of things, and that I am desired professionally (I teach and students ask to be put in my class a lot).
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  #16  
Old 07-24-2014, 03:39 PM
yakchef yakchef is offline
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Nothing has improved.

Her pain is the same if not worse. She is overwhelmed by treatment options because they just mean more appointments.

Work is her priority and work uses up all her energy.

In April her mom fell and broke her wrist and then got a brain/spinal infection so she had to go be a caregiver for her mom in Canada for about six weeks. So that used up a lot more of her bandwidth.

Since she had to take so much time off work to recover from surgery and then to care for her mother work is more important than ever. Her job is very challenging and stressful and can require physical activity, so most days she is in a lot of pain from meeting the demands of her job. She loves her job and gets defensive when I frame it like this so I try to be supportive and just ask what I can do to help when she is home.

I thought I had adjusted and was doing okay with the way things are but last night we were talking and it came out that I still miss sex and the way it came out was shitty. It resulted in her being hurt and angry with me. I apologized but you know, sometimes damage is done.

We tried to incorporate other activities like BDSM as our "main course" but essentially she has limited energy, she is in pain all the time and I feel that any physical activity is asking way too much of her. I feel badly that something I need in our relationship causes her unpleasant physical pain and I have a hard time not internalizing that.

Last edited by yakchef; 07-24-2014 at 07:18 PM.
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  #17  
Old 07-24-2014, 05:33 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sorry to hear that things are still going badly.

What can we do to help?
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  #18  
Old 07-24-2014, 05:55 PM
yakchef yakchef is offline
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Thank you for asking how you can help. I will be looking into SSRI's to manage my depression. If it also lowers my libido I imagine it will take the edge off my current situation. I will try to work out ways to grieve what was, and focus on what makes me happy in life. I do have things that make me happy, my depression just makes it hard to see them sometimes.

Last edited by yakchef; 07-24-2014 at 07:16 PM.
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  #19  
Old 07-24-2014, 11:53 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well as long as decreasing one's libido is a good thing, then you're in luck because SSRI's do tend to have that side effect. Work patiently with your doctors as you try on various meds and combinations of meds until you arrive at a forumula that works for you.

Hopefully getting some relief from your depression will solve multiple other problems for you. And thus I hope you'll find some peace in your life.
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  #20  
Old 07-25-2014, 04:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Glad to get an update even if it's not good. Hopefully your depression will lift and that might give you more zest for life. Things might change for the better all around. When a door shuts, a window opens!

I am sorry, I forgot to look for your okc profile last winter. I don't see "afewgaytigers" now. However, maybe having the word "gay" in your user name was unappealing to the straight women I assume you were looking for?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-25-2014 at 04:12 PM.
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