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Old 09-10-2014, 04:55 PM
comaddi comaddi is offline
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Question New To Poly - Questions

So I am married to a wonderful man and we recently added a girlfriend to our relationship.

Background Info: Our girlfriend was a friend of mine, first. Had never met my husband but had seen pics. Upon having a conversation with my husband and telling him that I felt stifled we decided to pursue this friend of mine. She had told me that her ideal situation at this point in her life would be to have a girlfriend that was married. She prefers women, but enjoys men from time to time to (but only in a couple situation.

Sexually, I have no preference either, as I enjoy men/women equally. Although, I enjoy being married w/children and having that life too.

We're so new to this that it seems we are learning what to do or NOT do the hard way. We've all been together 3 times and 2 of the 3 times there has been an issue afterwards. The 2nd time.. the girlfriend got really weird about the 'connection' that my husband and I have sexually. She said she felt like she disappeared in my eyes. The 3rd time... all of us had discussed what was appropriate when my husband 'finished'. We had agreed that if he were to pull out, he could finish on her or both of us, but if he wanted to remain inside when he finished, that that would only be with me. The 3rd time we got together, she was on top of him... and he stopped her (because he was close)and she said to him "don't do that again, I'm close"... he told her that he was close too and needed her to stop because that went against our discussion.

Long story short, she didn't stop and he couldn't hold out anymore and he came inside of her. I didn't even know.. I had to ask and then it got awkward because I was pissed and hurt all at the same time. It was disrespectful of both of them and I expressed it. I don't have much of a filter when I'm not at work, so my delivery was pretty harsh I'm sure.

Did I overreact? I feel like she may not want to see me with my husband... she's told me she wishes she could be the one 'playing house' with me. But I also feel like she was on a mission the last time we were together to break the rules and hurt me.

For those that have been in the lifestyle can you offer some advice? I'd love to chalk it up to growing pains... but I'm not so sure anymore... I'm not sure she's a good fit.
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Old 09-10-2014, 09:15 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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That is completely disrespectful and terribly unsafe as well - has she been tested for a pregnancy now? What if she were to get pregnant? Have you discussed this possibility? She could very well be "playing house" with the two of you, very soon.
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Old 09-11-2014, 05:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle.

Could he wear a condom and practice withdrawal with both during group trio sex? Then if he is unable to stop orgasm there's that in place? That eases some pressure off him so he can relax a bit.

Then it is also same for both ladies during group sex. Because when he has duo sex with you and reaches orgasm he could ejaculate inside you then. Maybe that solution solves some of the emotional tug o' war over who he cums in during group sex share?

I think some of it could be simply accepting that as a longer standing couple, you guys know each other sexually quite well and have a certain groove you easily get into from deep familiarity. She has newer lover relationships with both of you and part of the early days to that is figuring out where the buttons even are, much less finding the groove. In time that will come. Be patient.

I also think that there is also a question of respect and continuing consent. If he needs something to stop because he is not comfortable, it needs to stop. She would expect the same from him right? Does she value orgasm more than respecting her parter?

Sometimes things like leg cramp or triggering emotional upset or whatever can happen during sex share and participants need to take a time out. Not cool to push on despite the partner saying "no, hang on, I do not feel right." That erodes rather than builds trust.

I get that she expresses a wish to cohabitate with you. You could say something like "thanks. I am flattered and appreciate it. We'll see what happens over time. It is early days yet. Let's not rush." To me moving this fast into group sex is more than fast enough. No need to rush into living together. Where is the fire?

It is weird to me that she is in such a big hurry to get that intimate with you guys. No mention of group dates leading to duos and trio making out more slowly... Just right to fluid bonded trio sex with her ignoring his limit about ejaculation and telling you she wants to live with you? Sheesh.

Is she trying to "close the gap" somehow? Not feeling as valued? It is just a fact of life you guys were lovers sooner. I will assume positive intent rather than negative and call it newbie heebie jeebies rather than cowgirl.

But you all could slow it down a bit there and talk it out. Be more realistic about your agreements. If the purpose of him not ejaculating in her is pregnancy prevention? Slap a condom on (him) and ladies on bcp or plan B in the house should a condom break to solve that another way rather than only withdrawal. Whatever you all like.

Each person in the trio could be helping to keep that agreement of no oopsie babies with a birth control method they each can control and do. Not just leaving it all on the guy with withdrawal. It is a shared responsibility.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-11-2014 at 07:44 AM.
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Old 09-11-2014, 11:11 PM
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Any chance more twosome sex and less threesome sex would be helpful? The threesome sex seems to have a tendency to get out of hand right now. Or at least that's how it seems from what I've read.

GalaGirl gave great suggestions on how to guard against an "oopsie pregnancy;" the three of you need to sit down and see if you can all agree to that stuff.

I know it looks bad, what your girlfriend did. But I am inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment. After all, I know that sometimes I'm not exactly "in my right mind" when I'm having sex. If that makes sense.
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:29 PM
comaddi comaddi is offline
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Gala Girl - There is no chance for pregnancy, as our "girlfriend" has her tubes tied and my husband has had a vasectomy. Prior to her joining us sexually, we all 3 had STD testing, more as a formality but definitely for peace of mind.
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:36 PM
comaddi comaddi is offline
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Also ~ With she and I there is an absolute emotional connection and I know she wants that to SOME degree with my husband as well. There are no private conversations held between the 3 of us, everything is done in a group text, so I wouldn't say I distrust either of them. It could really just be that we're going to experience some of these growing pains while we figure this out.. I just wanted to see what an unbiased person would see after reading what happened.

Everything I read all points to communication and lots of it and that's where I see we've fallen short, thus far. It's always REACTIVE rather than talking about things beforehand!
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:39 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Except that you said the three of you agreed in advance that your husband could only come inside you and otherwise had to finish *on* either you or girlfriend.

That is proactive communication, not reactive. It is an agreement, one which was obviously broken.

It sounds as though your girlfriend is disrespecting your boundaries because she is either uncomfortable with or jealous of the connection you and your husband have. As GalaGirl said, it's concerning that she refused your husband's request to stop when he was nearing orgasm. Consent is imperative; no means no, stop means stop, etc.

She ignored the boundary that was set in regards to your husband not coming inside her. She ignored him saying "stop."

This isn't growing pains. It's a problem that needs to be addressed, because otherwise she might continue doing things against your and your husband's wishes.
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:42 PM
comaddi comaddi is offline
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You're right. He did stop her and tell her. Short of physically pushing her off of him, I'm not sure what else he could have done!

She said she was 'close to getting off and didn't want to lose it'. I've never ever permanently lost an orgasm.. I mean, really?
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:54 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comaddi View Post
Gala Girl - There is no chance for pregnancy, as our "girlfriend" has her tubes tied and my husband has had a vasectomy. Prior to her joining us sexually, we all 3 had STD testing, more as a formality but definitely for peace of mind.
Then why do you care if he cums inside her?
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comaddi View Post
You're right. He did stop her and tell her. Short of physically pushing her off of him, I'm not sure what else he could have done!

She said she was 'close to getting off and didn't want to lose it'. I've never ever permanently lost an orgasm.. I mean, really?
I could see why for her it would be sexually frustrating to get close then have to stop.
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