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Old 08-25-2009, 01:44 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Default Mono vs. Poly

As I am still working through my thought processes on polyamory, something has occurred to me. This was an idea I
approached my partner of 9 years with not too long ago, before realizing it is not something I am yet comfortable with at this time...
if ever (for myself and our relationship). I can read through the posts here and some seem to almost slam the idea of monogamy and monogamists, which to me is as bad as me
,a lesbian, slamming heterosexuals (which I don't) because it is different strokes for different folks. If you aren't gay, you aren't gay. There is nothing inferior or superior about that. Alas, some of the sarcastic comments about monogamy has been having me debate in my head as to why I believe
monogamy is best for me and my relationship...as if I am somehow how inferior by not having enough 'love' for my partner
to let her form other intimate/sexual relationships. This brings up the idea that I am trying to control her, have the need for a false sense
of security, and have an inferior love for her if I am not open to letting her love others. This is the impression I have been getting. I guess these can seem like a lot of conditions
but polyamorists have rules and conditions, too, they are just different. I think it should be fair to acknowledge those.
I think a true polyamorist would have no rules and conditions, just take love as it comes and give it as freely. Just saying! We ALL have our conditions and comfort levels, just to varying degrees and poly is not superior to monogamy and vice versa.
For me, even though I do realistically have fantasies or desires for other people sometimes, and can get extremely close to others, I can choose to keep the wall up that it will only go so far. I have made my choice...my partner and I get very turned on by the fact they we only want to share our bodies with each other. For me, it makes the sex so much more deeper and intimate...now in this moment, I am only hers...and the next moment, and the next...There is something very gratifying about that for me. I really enjoy reading the posts here, though. It still sounds like a great idea, in the right circumstances for the right people involved, but it is not superior in its totality, maybe just superior for the people involved.
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Old 08-25-2009, 02:37 PM
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I can read through the posts here and some seem to almost slam the idea of monogamy and monogamists, which to me is as bad as me
,a lesbian, slamming heterosexuals (which I don't) because it is different strokes for different folks. .
In general there are very few identified monogamously wired people on this forum...in fact I think I am the only constant one on here LOL! I am also the only identified monogamous person in monthly poly meetings I go to. I have learned to have fun with it, although, once ruffled, my feathers can turn into angry daggers for a while. This is a forum more directed at exploring polyamorous natures but has a wealth of applicable knowledge for any relationship dynamic.

I at times still feel threatened, judged and looked down upon as unenlightened on here and in my poly social circle but for the most part I am happy to represent the mono side of issues. I don't pull punches or sugar coat either approach to loving and wouldn't even be here accept for the love of Redpepper. I am not polyamorous; I didn't seek it, and don't promote it to other monogamous people. I am however grateful for what it has given me and respect it as natural, valid and fulfilling for those who love this way.

Don't feel bashed..it is not intended.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-25-2009 at 02:50 PM.
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Old 08-25-2009, 02:49 PM
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I am sorry you think that we have slammed monogamy. I for one do not intend to do so. I fully believe it is valid and viable way to reach happiness in ones relationship if it works for you. I just could not reach that within it....

For me it is, "superior for the people involved" in MY life.
I know a lot of poly people now and in no way want to be loving all of them. I reach those feeling you speak of sharing my body with those I love. I get turned on by that. I tried sharing it with everyone, but it left me feeling hollow rather than whole. Swinging, and having an open relationship damaged me, but I have said that before and this isn't the question at hand. I feel more loved and honoured than I ever had before in my mono relationships.

Yes, love as it comes is very important to me and everyone close to me, but then that is not just a poly thing. I would hope everyone has love in their life, and is much of it as possible. I love my co-workers, but don't have a romantic love for them. The romantic love I have is reserved for a select few, rather than just one. There is absolutely nothing different about it. I have been monogamous before and it doesn't feel different, it adds to for me. But then that is just me.

There are also rules in our relationship (guidelines) that are very important. Poly fidelity is very important to us. If someone else were to come into our family it would be very thought out and be a family decision. We don't just go around propositioning people willy nilly.

It's important to remember that people who write on here may be at a place of realization when it comes to poly and with that it is human nature to make oneself feel as if it is the right choice for them by poo pooing monogamy. Just as they might also go out and do as I did, try out different people and different ways of having sex just to see what fits. It's part of a process, not an end result. Although I struggle with monogamoy bashing too, I try to be patient and remember that it is a process and that is what this forum is for, among other things. Getting people through the process. If I had found this before going through the trauma I put me and my husband through to get here, things would be very different in regards to how I feel about myself. I hope to alleviate that for some people who come on here looking for guidance.

At our local poly group we run into the same kinds of monogamy bashing from time to time. It is important to keep it in check as it is not fair to judge in that way. What is right for one is not right for others and what is important is a persons happiness and belonging in their relationships... to be loved for everything they are.

Mono has a really hard time with this in our group and he keeps us in check. As do others now who follow his lead. We rely on him from time to time in our group when frustration rises around not being accepted and monogamy bashing occurs. thank you for doing that here! It's very important to speak out against any injustice and I appreciate that if you are feeling like we are being unjust that you call us on it.
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Old 08-25-2009, 03:02 PM
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Mono has a really hard time with this in our group and he keeps us in check. As do others now who follow his lead. We rely on him from time to time in our group when frustration rises around not being accepted and monogamy bashing occurs. thank you for doing that here! It's very important to speak out against any injustice and I appreciate that if you are feeling like we are being unjust that you call us on it.
It's not all bad I get to love you and be a part of your family...what a huge gift!!
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Old 08-25-2009, 03:18 PM
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I can read through the posts here and some seem to almost slam the idea of monogamy and monogamists, which to me is as bad as me, a lesbian, slamming heterosexuals (which I don't) because it is different strokes for different folks.
I honestly don't recall seeing posts in here which slam monogamy. What I have seen -- and I've posted more than a few of them myself -- are posts slamming what I've come to call "monogamism". Monogamism is the belief that only a monogamous lovestyle is correct. Monogamism-ists (???) think monogamy is superior to non-monogamy of any kind, including polyamory.

In this world we have racists, sexists, classists, ageists, heterosexists.... And we have another kind of bigot as well: monogamism-ists.

If telling folks that the monogamism-ists are wrong (which they are!) and also unkind (which they are!) is "slamming," then let us slam away!

Monogamy itself isn't a bad thing. I have nothing against that.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:00 PM
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No me either, and of our current relationship, i guess you would say we have a mono-poly relationship. Seeing as none of us set out looking for the other, we really have no interest in any outside partners.

I'm not even sure where that was. I remember a lot of Mono poking fun of HIMSELF and him being mono. Perhaps I've missed some posts with being so busy lately.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:26 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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I guess it can seem weird to point this out as I am in the poly forum, but it is an info and support forum, so a lot of people (myself included) come here to learn and try to understand (as it pertains to them and perhaps just in general) and are not necessarily identified poly. I am sure many have come and gone who may have tried poly and found it was not for them in the end...maybe not in a year, or the next, but you never know.

I AM here to open myself up more to the idea and learn. I am a deep thinker by nature, I still don't know if it is right for me, but it has helped by acting as a contrast for me, to reevaluate what I want and what I don't and why. It has also helped me live sort of vicariously, to see the joys and the difficulties that may become present in such a 'lovestyle', and to help me remember that I am an individual and my romantic relationship should be based only on love and not fear and security.

I DID used to be a monogomism-ist. I was very threatened by this lifestyle. Why??? Well, that is what I had to get to the bottom of once I admitted that to myself. It is like anything different. Take vegetariansism/vegan/raw food for example. Now veg is more common, but not too long ago, when people said they were veg, others would ask "why". Why don't you eat meat, and once you give the reasons, perhaps the questioners would get defensive - "Well, I think it IS healthy to eat meat, you get your protein from it". Maybe they go home and start thinking about the reasons they heard and think "am I insensitive or support cruelty to animals because I eat meat?" (especially the sensitive person) and everytime they run into a vegetarian it is a reminder for them as they stare down at their Beef and bacon sandwich. They don't want to think about the why's of how they live, they just want to do what is 'normal' and everyone else is doing because it is too difficult to do otherwise. Now you have the raw foodists to make the veggies think "huh, am I not ________ because I am not a raw foodist". This is just the way it goes it seems. At least for me, and I have a feeling for many.

I was exposed to poly and swinging at the same time. I did not seek it out to learn about it, the couple we met were just very upfront about it and I did not think much at the time. It was a little uncomfy for me, but I just let it go. Actually, I was exposed to poly before that...I JUST NOW REMEMBERED...HA. Funny. I did not know it at the time, but I was very attracted and had a crush on a girl I went to college with who had a serious boyfriend. She wanted to date me, too. I was single, but liked her so much I was willing to try it. It had nothing to do with her boyfriend. He knew about it, had met me (was always a little weird for both of us I think...I think for him because of her NRE with me and me, well because I was 21 and had never heard of this before). She never said she was poly, but now that I look back it is obvious that is what it was. I broke it off because I wanted more of her, and I did not want to be the 'other'.

Anyway, I digress, but it was still pertinent. When it came to my long term current mono-relationship, it felt threatening as an idea because it would force me to analyze why I am in the relationship style I am and all the other ideas that are on this board, which I did not want to deal with. So I think that is why people are bigoted with it many times, because they don't want to have to confront questions and answers with themselves. I am glad I forced myself to do it once and for all, and I did because it is being talked about in the media more and more, so it seems hard to ignore. You can, but if you do and you have not seriously considered it, you are probably going to knock it just for the sake of it and because of your own fears. Obviously I mean 'you' in the general here. So anyway, that is why I am still here. I guess I still have some insecurities to work on to get over feeling sensitive to posts that may seem anti monogomy here...like as if it is not viable and does not work, which I guess is how many poly's might feel from the monogomist community as well. thanks for allowing my rant. I process better from writing.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:36 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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AL, what little I know of your story still amazes me. Sounds like fate, I suppose. You were not looking for it, they were not looking for it...you were gay and had never been with a man and you all happened to meet and all fall in love with each other. THAT sounds scary to me, because it is so serendipitous. Normally I love fate, but if it causes a situation I am unprepared for and would have never considered and it just WAS seems like a little too much for a girl who likes to feel somewhat in control of her life, LOL. You get to make the big trip down under soon. Exciting. I don't know how you can handle that plane trip, though. What a looooooong flight.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:37 PM
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When it came to my long term current mono-relationship, it felt threatening as an idea because it would force me to analyze why I am in the relationship style I am and all the other ideas that are on this board, which I did not want to deal with. So I think that is why people are bigoted with it many times, because they don't want to have to confront questions and answers with themselves.
Very insightful post, AJbear! Thanks!

I respect you very much for your intelligence and willingness to challenge or question your attitudes and beliefs, etc. Monogamy may be a perfect fit for some people, and you may indeed be one such person. But it's very good that you are open-minded enough to explore why you think and feel as you do about these and other things.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:57 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Thanks JRiver. Same to you. You strike me as very intelligent and a deep thinker as well. I swear I was reading a post by you talking about the present moment and the Now! That stuff is right up my alley ; ) not saying I practice it perfectly yet, but it aligns with my philosophical views.

And when it comes to poly, I don't want to judge or feel any negative feelings, because I don't like the way those feelings feel and I don't like to be judged myself. I would love to see poly relationships more open in terms of society as another viable lovestyle choice. I think that it will get to that. Just takes time and more people to be brave and delve into the abyss of their psyches and emotions like me
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