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  #11  
Old 12-11-2013, 02:40 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
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@london While I'm always willing to accept that some people say terrible things out of ignorance rather than malice, the statement as I heard it ("Jewish men tend to be date rapists") is clearly anti Semitic, as it ascribes the behaviors of a few (and possibly a figurative few, not her actual life experiences) to ALL Jewish men, with the only connection being their religious identity. A similar statement could be said to be racist if she had said "Black men tend to be date rapists" or homophobic if she said "Gay men tend to be date rapists". While I'm sure there are Jewish men out there who have date raped, possibly even to her personal knowledge, that doesn't reflect on ALL Jewish men. I'm willing to accept some ignorance on her part, as she grew up in a country with very few Jews and was not taught sensitivity about this stuff in the same way Americans are...however, she has been in the NYC area for the past nine years and is in her 30s with a professional career- she's hardly living in a vacuum. If there was no malice behind her words and she was just spouting what is typical for the area she grew up in out of ignorance, I feel that she especially deserves to be informed of this issue so she can possibly grow and expand her viewpoint.
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  #12  
Old 12-11-2013, 02:43 PM
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I think you are doing the right thing, putting it down first takes some of the emotion out of it, it doesn't make it 'your' business either. Let them sort it out and also if she has been slandered she can tell you and be able to defend herself because that is not on!
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  #13  
Old 12-11-2013, 02:47 PM
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Of course that is an anti Semitic comment!!!!!!!!! Who is she Borat?

No one wants to be associated with that.
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  #14  
Old 12-11-2013, 03:09 PM
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Hmm, if someone who lived in certain areas of South Africa said all robbers are black, I would understand why they had that view. I'd remind them of why lots of black South Africans turn to crime, remind them of how statistics and perceptions are skewered by the media and compare their part of the world to others to show that any group of people turn to crime when faced with such inequality as black South Africans.

The reason I'm asking for more context is because I have heard that marital rape amongst Orthodox Jews is particularly high. I don't know how true that is not having been privy to the research and I don't know if she was referring to something about that.
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2013, 06:58 PM
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Don't overthink it. Someone came up to you and initiated a conversation you found disturbing. Don't make it about your metamour as much as being about the act of having been confronted and questioned by someone, and how uncomfortable it made you. You don't even have to ask if it is true or not, just report back what happened and your concerns for him. Keep it simple. And I think the longer you wait to just come out and say it, the bigger it will get in your mind and the more difficult you will make it to come out and relay what happened. Crikey, pick up the phone and tell him.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-11-2013 at 07:47 PM.
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  #16  
Old 12-11-2013, 07:27 PM
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Why would someone want to be friends with people who go around shunning people because of what their partner says? Especially if they don't even talk to the person directly.

This prejudice is just as bad, if not worse than the ignorant date rape comment.

I think it's for him to get new friends.
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  #17  
Old 12-12-2013, 02:12 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
Why would someone want to be friends with people who go around shunning people because of what their partner says? Especially if they don't even talk to the person directly.

This prejudice is just as bad, if not worse than the ignorant date rape comment.

I think it's for him to get new friends.
That's what I'm.thinking.
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  #18  
Old 12-12-2013, 02:31 AM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
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@BigGuy and Inyourendo I think "shunning" is perhaps a strong term for the situation- more like less inclined to want to get to know better. The person who related the story to me had previously expressed interest in being involved in BDSM play with my partner- she would most likely not choose to do so if he had anti Semitic views or condoned them. I think that's a pretty reasonable personal boundary to have. Also, because some of these friends hold private events in their homes, if they don't feel comfortable inviting her, it might play out that he is invited to socialize less as well in order to prevent her participation. It has already happened once where I was the one specifically invited so that I would bring him as my date, rather than him being extended an invitation and possibly having the opportunity to invite her, although at the time I did not realize why.
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  #19  
Old 12-12-2013, 05:34 AM
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Tough call. I don't like the ignorant anti-Semitic nature of the alleged comment, but I don't know what to do about it either. Nobody likes gossip, and I kind of feel like you'd be encouraging gossip by validating these kink people's inclination to go through you. If they're as concerned about anti-Semitism as they should be, shouldn't they go directly to your metamour (and your partner since they're holding him accountable for being her parter) with this problem? I feel like they're kind of handing you their problem and expecting you to fix it for them. I don't like that either.

I suppose the group email is the best you can do, though I also don't like that. Inyourendo was right; this is the sort of thing that could easily ruin whatever little positive relationship you have with your metamour. And while I agree with nycindie that whatever action you take should be taken soon, I also think you should treat that email like guessing whether to snip the red or the blue wire to de-fuse a bomb. Make sure you emphasize to your partner and metamour that you don't like how the kink people put you in this position, but here you are and you have to make a difficult choice (damned if you do, damned if you don't). Not to say you should write a ten-page flowery email; just to say you should be well aware of the peril and express as much. (And duck after you send it ...)

Wow. Jewish men are date rapists? Really? Bleah. Comments like that almost shouldn't be made even if they can be proven to be true (and I seeeriously doubt this one can). I've never heard of such a thing, and say "I don't know" only because I haven't thoroughly researched the subject (and am personally acquainted with few if any Jewish people). Gosh darn it, why do people have to say such crappy things?
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  #20  
Old 12-12-2013, 06:11 AM
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Personally, I don't like the idea of putting any of what was said to the OP in writing and sending it anywhere. This, to me, is something to be said verbally, either face-to-face or on the phone. Basically, most of what Tigergirl wrote in her initial post is sufficient, IMHO.

Tigergirl, you call or visit your bf and say, "Ugh, something just happened the other night that really disturbed me and I don't know quite how to tell you. I was confronted by X and asked questions about you and [Metamour], and then was told some awful things about her, which I found absolutely shocking. X asked me how close I am with [Metamour] and wanted to know if I ever heard her make anti-Semitic comments because apparently she recently did that in a group of people and they are very offended by that. They also want to know if you are aware of it and seemed to imply that, if you are, they will no longer be inviting you to the [Event].

Now Hon, I don't know if any of what they said is true, and maybe she was just misunderstood at the time, but I feel like they put me in an awkward position and I couldn't not tell you about it. I'm not trying to start trouble, especially since I wasn't there when it supposedly happened, but I am concerned that this sort of thing is going around and people are forming an opinion about you because of it. This upsets me and I don't even know what else to say. What should we do?"

That's all. That isn't so hard.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-12-2013 at 06:18 AM.
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