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  #1  
Old 12-11-2013, 08:11 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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Default my polamorous partners are swinging again and it bothers me

I am at work so I have to make this short and concise. I have been in a polamorous "marriage" with my male/female partners for going on 7 years (see my profile). I told them I wanted them to stop their swinging habit, which they were active in, upon my moving in, 7 years ago. Come to find out they have been going to parties when I work friday and Saturday nights. I'm torn and crushed and dismayed. Now they want me to join them. I don't want to but fear ill lose them. They jus t came clean after six months of this. I'm so sad.
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30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:18 AM
london london is offline
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Why can't you all allow one another to swing or not swing as you individually see fit?
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:42 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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Because I agreed to be in a triad that did not engage in swinging. To me it is infidelity.
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Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So they broke agreements with you by lying. Have they even apologized when coming clean? 6 mos of lies is quite a blow.

Don't join them in swinging. You don't want to, and that doesn't sound like the most comforting thing to help you process your sadness anyway.

Do you have local friends you can ask for comfort? Maybe take you out to eat and air out? Help you think out and make the "next steps" plan?

Hang in there. I'm sorry you are upset by and disappointed in your partners' lying behavior.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-11-2013 at 08:49 AM.
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  #5  
Old 12-11-2013, 09:20 AM
london london is offline
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I can understand you being upset about them lying to you. That is a breach of trust. Full stop. They might of lied because they are malicious, calculating bastards or they might have changed their minds about their desire for swinging and felt it impossible to approach you because they felt you wouldn't listen and reason about it. It might be because they knew you'd say no and they selfishly want you and swinging, regardless of your consent. The right thing to do would have been to discuss it with you. But they didn't.

Moving forward, it seems that swinging is something that they desire. If it is something that they want as part of their sex life at this time, you will have to decide whether you can allow them agency over their own sex lives and ask to hear nothing about it, or you can decide that you can't let go of what they choose to do in their sex lives with others, acknowledge a fundamental incompatibility and split.
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:23 AM
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Mintcar Mintcar is offline
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I am thinking of thenot wanting to know route. Sorry I am listening and so appreciate the responses. I really do. Just at work so its hard. Ill give Bette r responses when I'm off I promise.
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Facts-
30 yr old female college grad.
Second wife of legally married couple for about five years.
Bio mom of two and second mom of three.
Share home, parenting, and finances with family.

"I myself am, strange and unusual. "-Lydia Deetz
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  #7  
Old 12-11-2013, 09:28 AM
london london is offline
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If you choose that route, make sure you reiterate your safer sex agreements so there can be no more betrayal, intentional or otherwise.
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  #8  
Old 12-11-2013, 02:53 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Selfish, low down couplecentric liars treating you like a an extra even though they claim it is a 'marriage'.... sack 'em and keep your dignity.
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  #9  
Old 12-11-2013, 03:42 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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In the short term, what I would do if I were you is to get retested for STDs and cease being fluid bonded with your partners for now. Or cease all potentially risky sexual activities altogether. While it is likely they used condoms with others at the parties, I don't think you can say that it is a given. I definitely saw some condom-free intercourse at the two swinger parties I attended once upon a time, and I did not see any protected oral sex at all. And condoms don't protect you against everything anyway.

Are your partners willing to retest for STDs themselves, and are they willing to stop attending these parties? Do they understand that they cheated on you? Do they seem to want to mend your trust?
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  #10  
Old 12-11-2013, 04:30 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow, 6 straight months of lying to you and exposing you to STI risk you weren't aware of (because even safer sex does carry some risk) and their proposal for making things right is that you join them, even though it's obvious you don't want that? WOW. Do these people have a history of acting so self-centered and disregarding their agreements with you? Are they at least contrite about their actions?? Do they care enough about this marriage to stop what they're doing while they work this out with you, or are they just going on as normal???

So sorry you're going through this.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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