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Old 12-10-2013, 02:48 AM
weareopeningup weareopeningup is offline
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Default Semi-Untested open marriage

Hello! Happy to find what seems to be an interesting and supportive community. My wife and I have recently had a realization about our relationship and I'd definitely welcome the ability to discuss it with people who understand.

A bit of history. We've been together for a long time. First serious relationship for either of us, we knew it was forever from early on. We've been through a lot. Spent a long time as your typical* monogamous couple, complete with bouts of jealousy issues on my side (she never cheated, but is just naturally an open person who makes close friends, especially with men). But I grew up and things changed, and next thing I knew I was encouraging her to try a threesome with a male friend. Suddenly we were active swingers.

* Well, typical except for the part where we actually care about each other and respect each other

Despite my growth, some remnants of the old jealousy issues kept us from going beyond same-room swinging. But that too was a long time ago, so flash to recent months and all of a sudden we are admitting to each other that both of us have a free pass to make our own sexual decisions. A little while later, we reconnected on the topic and did a gut check - fully admitting to ourselves the we just agreed that we have an "open marriage".

She has been fortunate enough to take advantage of that opportunity, having a couple experiences with some good friends of ours on her own. I have not had the opportunity.

I'm fine with that imbalance. Even when we were "just" swingers (as opposed to truly 'open'), I always felt that the best part of it was knowing how much she loved it and that she was satisfied. I was obviously also happy with the side benefit of the action I got, but I would have been fine giving that up.

That said, it would be a shame if I didn't take advantage of the opportunity I have. Unfortunately, I don't really know how! It's not an option with any of our current friends (between lack of interest from my side, lack of understanding from theirs, it's a no). And, having been with one woman for basically my whole adult life, I have NO idea how to pick women up! And let me tell you, a married guy with no clue cruising bars alone (no single guy friends 'in the know' to act as wing man) is NOT going to have much success.

So I don't even know where to go from here.

Again, if it never happens, I'm fine. But boy I would love something to happen

Anyway, hello to everyone, thanks for indulging, if you bothered to read that.
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:01 AM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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A lot of your story sounds like mine. I mean I didn't do the swinging thing. When you've been with one woman your whole adult life it is very hard to "pick up" women. I could never picture myself cruising bars to pick up women and I imagine I would be horrible at it even if I tried.

Have you tried online dating? I wasn't particularly good at that either but I did end up finding somebody.
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:03 AM
weareopeningup weareopeningup is offline
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I've dabbled with online, but the free options are populated by scams, fakes, and whoknowwhat. And I'm hesitant to commit to paying for something. Do you have a recommendation for a good site?
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:07 AM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I think OKCupid is a pretty good site, and it's free. There is a very large pool of users and a lot of search options.
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:48 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weareopeningup View Post
I've dabbled with online, but the free options are populated by scams, fakes, and whoknowwhat. And I'm hesitant to commit to paying for something. Do you have a recommendation for a good site?
Hello and welcome! I have been participating in online options for meeting people for over 10 years. Bottom line- for a married poly male wanting to meet available partners, you pretty much have to try a lot harder (than an available poly female for example) and one of the best ways to meet people is online. I would suggest to find good quality sites that are not free and make the commitment to it!

Also- another way for a married poly male to meet people is through his wife.

I introduce my guy to women and couples all the time. Because- as a poly female that is free to meet and be with anyone I choose to be with, I receive dozens of requests per month. I know what type of women he likes (aggressive and confident).

Seen from the other perspective.....as an available poly woman, I am more open to a guy if his friendly and attractive wife goes through the effort to introduce us and she is "promoting" him to me so to speak.

Some people may object to what I said- but it works for us!
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Old 12-10-2013, 04:02 AM
weareopeningup weareopeningup is offline
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Hi idealist! Thanks for the advice and welcome.

You make an excellent point, and in our swinging days I have first hand experience with that. Even in a couples-only environment where everyone was there for the same reason, the vast majority of the time the women were the initiators. It makes sense for all sorts of reasons (many of them being a sad commentary on the inequality and dysfunction of gender roles).

We've talked a little bit about going that route for me now. But current circumstances make it harder for her to go to that effort. Plus, I'm sort of viewing it as a challenge to broaden my social abilities (not that I won't jump at the chance for her to do the legwork if the opportunity is there )

So which sites are worth paying for? Is Ahsley Madison still worth the pricetag, for example?
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Old 12-10-2013, 05:21 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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I met my primary partner (and several other guys that are still in my life) on match.com but we were mono minded then and I wouldn't go there now. I have met people through okcupid and SLS. My SLS profile says that I am looking for meaningful connections. I get hundreds of requests per year and most of them are people I'm not interested in, but every now and them, I meet someone I really connect with!
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Old 12-10-2013, 11:34 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi weareopeningup,
Welcome to our forum.

Back when I was using any dating sites, I was too cheap to go the paying route. But I found that OKCupid was fairly poly-friendly, that PolyMatchMaker (much less active than OKC) was poly-friendly by definition, and that both sites were of decent quality with a decent number of good people to be found. I didn't have good luck at "online dating," but I still had the best experience in general with those two sites. And I think OKC (maybe PMM too?) has a paid account version that gives various perks including possibly more search/dating options.

Re: Ashley Madison, etc. ... I'm not familiar with any paid-account-only dating sites, but I would think the first thing to ask about any of them is, are they poly-friendly? If Ashley Madison (for instance) is poly-friendly then it's probably worth a try (for awhile at least).

Consider also:
  • our Dating & Friendships subforum (won't give you tons of hits but sometimes helps),
  • local poly groups (try googling "polyamory" with the name of your State or major city -- most poly groups aren't "pickup venues" per se so it's not cool to "cruise them for dates;" however, if you make friends in a poly group you may find that some friendship blossoms into a romance, and then you know the other person already knows about polyamory and probably likes it),
  • alternative groups/events (Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, BDSM, etc. ... again not pickup venues per se but another opportunity to find friendship, that may bloom into something more, with people who are more likely to be open-minded and poly-friendly),
  • not-poly-per-se clubs or whatnot in your area that do something you're interested in (again a make-friends-first option and, hopefully the friends you make would be informed early on about your interest in polyamory, so that you could see if they warmed up to the idea by the time anything romantic developed).
The few long-term romances I've ever been in have been with women I got to know as platonic friends first; I guess that's why I recommend going that route. Because I know it can work, and because that's about the only type of approach I have any experience in. I've only been on three dates and only one of those was with someone I was interested in romantically!

So, that's about the extent of advice I can give as far as finding people to date with. Hope that helps a little ...

Glad to have you aboard; hope you'll find satisfactory answers to your questions here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #9  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weareopeningup View Post
Spent a long time as your typical* monogamous couple . . .

* Well, typical except for the part where we actually care about each other and respect each other
I take exception to this statement. There are certainly many monogamous couples in the world who care about and respect each other, as I always have in my monogamous life before I embraced polyamory, and we have many monogamous members here who care about and respect their poly partners.

Quote:
Originally Posted by weareopeningup View Post
Is Ahsley Madison still worth the pricetag, for example?
Isn't Ashley Madison for cheaters? Polyamory is not cheating. I'd say stick with OKCupid for a while - it is very poly-friendly.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-10-2013 at 02:32 PM.
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  #10  
Old 12-10-2013, 04:00 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Isn't Ashley Madison for cheaters? Polyamory is not cheating. I'd say stick with OKCupid for a while - it is very poly-friendly.
Yes, it's often confused for a poly site but it focuses on dishonesty. Not a good choice.

Some good options are:

Okcupid.com
Reddit.com (there are several poly subreddits and also just r4r which is a dating sub)
Fetlife.com (more for BDSM and fetishes but they have a large poly community)
Polymatchmaker.com

There are probably others but those are the ones I've seen the most success on.

Persistence is key, as I'm sure you know. The best advice I can give is to be natural, read the profiles fully so you don't say something that's going to make them ignore you, and don't use pre-made messages.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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