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  #11  
Old 12-07-2013, 08:13 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You do not need to give any other explanation other than I am sorry this is not working anymore it is over. Then work at disentangling your finances.

No reason to give any explanation beyond that. She is going to take anyexplanation as a personal attack or challenge.

Stop dragging things out and end your relationship like ripping off a stuck bandage. Yes it hurts like a son of a Bitch for a bit but hurts a lot less than taking it off slowly.
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  #12  
Old 12-07-2013, 08:49 PM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
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Thanks Dagferi but I don't think you are getting what I am looking for here, it's comradery and understanding about what its like to explore this new part of myself. Its easy to feel like no one else has gone through this before even when you know its not true, that's why I am here.

I know I need to not drag things out and am not doing so. Those bandaids can be pretty sticky though and sometimes it takes a couple showers before you get all of that residue off. I am standing firm but I disagree that she does not deserve more than 'it's over' after 9 years together as of this winter.

I appreciate the information on how hard it was on your marriage and that's what I would expect and we were not on solid footing before this so I really don't think it would improve anything.
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2013, 08:58 PM
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And you are either totally missing this point our conveniently ignoring it.

Do not bring anyone into your life whether you're poly or mono until you're life is at a stable point. Going through a break up, divorce, or any other stressful time is NOT the time to begin new relationships.

Forget about dating or poly until then.

If you do not want the advice of those experienced in Polyamory and quite frankly successful long term relationshipa them don't listen to our advice. Hell my advice would be the same to a monogamous person.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #14  
Old 12-07-2013, 09:11 PM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
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Dagferi, I think you have missed multiple statements I have made:

1. finances are completely un-intertwined and so are all living arrangements. Irrelevant but you brought it up after I explicitely said this.

2. I have no interest in being in a relationship, period. I explicitely said this as well.

You are misunderstanding what I am saying and not hearing it. I want to know I am not the only one who has been in this situation before, for moral support as I go at this journey alone. I am not entering relationships of any variety until I am completely comfortable with myself. I don't know how more explcicit I can be about this.

I come and ask for compassion and understanding, to not feel alone while in a tough situation and I receive only a critique of the perceived manner in which events have unfolded. I must say I am disappointed.
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  #15  
Old 12-07-2013, 09:23 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You are married to someone who has the potential to make your life hell. Legally and emotionally.

If you start seeing someone new are you sure your wife will not cause drama?

If you do not want a relationship then knock yourself out date as many people a you want. Stop worrying about relationships that do not exist yet. It is hard enough to find decent relationships when mono. Being poly narrows that field a lot more. Join your local poly community.. read read read... Especially peoples experiences. While in theory poly sounds like a blast. Shows like the one on showtime make it look like a sex fueled party. It is not. But cross that bridge when it happens.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #16  
Old 12-07-2013, 09:37 PM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
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Thanks Dagferi, I appreciate you trying to help me here. I am not going to date, I do not believe it is the right thing to do until the divorce is final and I come to terms with myself and a possible change in self identity of sorts. I had no idea there was a showtime show. I don't watch much TV of any kind.

I was looking back and I posted in the Relationship corner because I am ending a relationship... this was at like 4am my time after having been up since 8am the day before and having had the hours long divorce conversation. I think my foggy mind probably should have put this into a different thread. So looking back I see that that probably caused some confusion, sorry.

I wanted to reach out right then is all but my mental functions were not operating at full capacity at all. I would move this thread to general discussions if I could figure out how...
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  #17  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:01 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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I can move it for you.

As for your questions, poke around a bit and see what you find that's relevant. Searching for "divorce" or "opening up" might be good places to start. Not all of what you find will be relevant, but at least you'll see you're not the first to have to deal with this.

It sounds like you're going about it as well as you can for the time being. You're thinking things through logically and not falling into the all-to-common trap of rushing off to find someone to act as relationship spack filler. I do think Dagferi is right about you looking for excuses to put off a divorce, but it's a huge change and it's only human to want to take baby steps into the unknown.

Last edited by Emm; 12-08-2013 at 02:03 AM.
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  #18  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:54 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousGreg View Post
I am looking for....comradery and understanding about what its like to explore this new part of myself. Its easy to feel like no one else has gone through this before even when you know its not true, that's why I am here.
Welcome to the forum! I have gotten a lot of support and feedback here and it has really helped me. I suggest you do some reading since there is a wealth of information here- all written by people who are either living a poly lifestyle or trying to understand it.

I think the most supportive forums are all about sharing ideas, experiences, dreams, desires, fears and more.....and there is a smorgasboard of all of that here!

I wanted to welcome you here because I feel like Dagferi is being pretty reactive and inappropriately bossy. I don't even agree with the advice being given and I really think it's better to refrain from such strong opinionated advice- especially when welcoming a person who just made their first post on a site- looking for support.

So- please don't think everyone here is going to tell you what you need to do. I don't even tell my lifelong friends what they need to do.....who even knows what someone else needs to do. That's crazy.

I will share a bit of my experience. After 6 years together, Richard and I had broken up (for the second time) and we had been convinced that there was no hope for us.

I found out about polyamory and resonated with it immediately. I talked to Richard about it and we started seeing each other again as a poly couple. It has worked out very well for us and we have been together as poly for 4 years.

I suggest that you disregard the "advice" being given to you and I might even suggest to Dagferi (who is probably well meaning) to be more supportive rather than jumping right in to a persons first post and assume immediately that you know exactly what this person NEEDS to do. It's not supportive.
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  #19  
Old 12-08-2013, 03:04 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
If you do not want the advice of those experienced in Polyamory and quite frankly successful long term relationshipa them don't listen to our advice. Hell my advice would be the same to a monogamous person.
He didn't say he was here for advice. He came here for support. It seems like you are projecting all of your stuff onto him and you're not even listening to him. You kind of attacked him right away. I'm sure you have a lot to share that would benefit others, it just may be more appreciated if you weren't so aggressive and such a know-it-all.
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  #20  
Old 12-08-2013, 03:21 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Pot meet kettle idealist you are being quite judgmental yourself right now. If you want to be nit picky about it. Difference is it doesn't bother me. You can't hear my intention not my tone of voice
. God forbid I feel like folks need to have their baggage in order before dragging someone into something that has the potential to be a royal shit storm. We have had how many threads recently about etudes torpedoing their husbands relationships?

Sorry holding hands and singing Kumbya is not my style. I am an INTJ we call it like we see it. Sometimes folks need things laid out bluntly and honestly.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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