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  #11  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:47 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
This makes sense to me. She started acting weird about us going out when he first said he had strong feelings for me (before he said the word love, but it was an obvious sign it was coming). Then after I said I love him, too, it got significantly worse.

What I don't understand is... She has been seeing a guy for most of the time they've been poly. A man she claims to love deeply. Expecting it to be okay for her to have that kind of relationship yet cutting it off whenever he gets close to really being comfortable with someone else... It just feels icky to me!

I hate that he is in a relationship that I feel is so incredibly unhealthy, yet I don't feel like I have the right to say anything about it, because my only experience with it is as a disliked secondary - not really the best position to get a well-rounded idea of what someone is really like. He knows I think it's unfair. He knows I don't get how she could put him through this. He agrees with me on both counts.
I read an article once in which the author talked about why poly wasn't for him (?) and concluded that "there is no place in poly for jealous hypocrites."

....unfortunately, there is :-p
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  #12  
Old 12-07-2013, 01:04 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Sounds likento me she doesn't respect you or your relationship. I would move on, perhaps someday your paths will cross again but I would never attempt a relationship with him as long as he's with her
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2013, 01:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am so sorry. This stinks.

If you entered into a primary-secondary model as the secondary? That's the price of admission. There's pros/cons to every model.

Sounds like she's in poly hell to me.

And not really secure/sure of herself and her skills.

Quote:
What I don't understand is... She has been seeing a guy for most of the time they've been poly. A man she claims to love deeply. Expecting it to be okay for her to have that kind of relationship yet cutting it off whenever he gets close to really being comfortable with someone else... It just feels icky to me!
Different skillset used.
  • When she has a BF, the skillset of "Being a GF person" is employed.
  • When he has a GF, the skillset of "Being the Metamour person" is employed.

She might have great GF skills. But weak metamour skills.

Quote:
I hate that he is in a relationship that I feel is so incredibly unhealthy, yet I don't feel like I have the right to say anything about it, because my only experience with it is as a disliked secondary - not really the best position to get a well-rounded idea of what someone is really like. He knows I think it's unfair.
Sure you do. You have the right to set your own limits. You can set your own limit for what you will/will not participate in. Maybe something like...
"I think the relationship you are in with her seems unhealthy. Since what happens there can affect me in the polymath? I'm stepping out of the line of fire.

I'm stepping aside until you figure what you would like out. I am not the guy to figure yourself out with. I am too close on this one.

I'm giving you space to do whatever problem solving you need to do on the (you relating to yourself) tier.

I am giving you space to do whatever problem solving you need to do on the (you + her) tier.

I am willing to do conflict resolution if it helps on the (her dealing with (you + me) tier. So that (you + me + her) tier of relating can be respectful.

I am not willing to participate in never ending wacky though. Please let me know when I can expect an update and if none by that date, I could expect to let this go."
Quote:
He knows I don't get how she could put him through this. He agrees with me on both counts.
Again... different skills sets used in the different roles she's got in this polyship. She's a hinge, a GF to two people, and a metamour to you.

Again... she could be in poly hell and not able to articulate what she needs from herself, from him, or from you to move it forward.

Emotional change is hard. Might be easier to undertake when she's the GF rather than the metamour.

That said, it isn't call for her to rain abuses on others so... you guys could sort yourselves out. Decide how you want to be -- still in polyship or not?

Is she willing/able to try again? What things or behaviors blocks her willingness? Her ability? Can they be removed/improved?
Is he willing/able to try again? What things or behaviors blocks his willingness? His ability? Can they be removed/imrpoved?
Are you willing/able to try again? What things or behaviors blocks your willingness? Your ability? Can they be removed/improved?

But before that... you could assess which sucks less for YOU?
  • Letting this go at this time and dealing with break up feelings?
  • Or trying again with people you know need to grow some skills?

Only you know your own willingness to continue to participate.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-07-2013 at 01:19 AM.
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  #14  
Old 12-07-2013, 02:42 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I don't like strict primary-secondary models. He knew this when we first met. The way HE perceived their relationship was that they were primary in the sense that their relationship gets the most time, attention, and devotion. That everything will be dropped, temporarily, when there is a crisis with the other. Other than that, their time was supposed to be their own to do with what they pleased and develop relationships that fit around the schedule they already had with each other, work, school, family, etc.

The way SHE seems to use the term secondary is that it is a relationship purely for fun, with no needs. If a date is made and cancelled, a secondary has no right to be upset or sad because - hey, they're only a secondary, not a real partner with feelings!

So... Yeah. I don't see myself making that mistake again. I understand a relationship getting a certain level of preferential treatment because of how involved lives get, but I do NOT understand or agree with treating someone like they aren't important because the love is new or they are simply new to the equation.

He and I will never have a romantic relationship again. It's not an option - for me personally because I would never put myself through that stuff again or for him because she would never allow it. The only way this would change would be if their relationship ended. Even then... He allowed someone else to dictate who he can see. I'm not sure I can really respect him after that.

I care about his happiness. A lot. I am going to try to see if we can be friends of sorts. I don't really expect success. I actually expect myself to reconsider and go the smart route of just moving on completely in a week or so. Gives me a week to wean myself off of the idea that I had in my mind of him being around for a while.
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  #15  
Old 12-07-2013, 03:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Good.... Glad you have made a choice for yourself. You decided that breaking up is less sucky than continuing. Now that that is clear, you can know how to move forward from there.

Stinks, but stinkage with an end point!

Do what you need for immediate self care -- good sleep, nutritious eats, clear your head, lean on local friends, etc. Basics.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-07-2013 at 03:42 AM.
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  #16  
Old 12-07-2013, 05:46 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
The only way this would change would be if their relationship ended. Even then... He allowed someone else to dictate who he can see. I'm not sure I can really respect him after that.
I feel you on that one. I think you're right in breaking it off...not because SHE made you, but because do you really want to be with a person who allows another human being to tell him how he can and can't feel?
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  #17  
Old 12-07-2013, 09:37 AM
london london is offline
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Getting vetoed must suck. However, I think you did have clear enough signs that these kind of control and trust issues were part of their relationship. Or to be less cynical, it was obvious that they werent compatible with the type of polyamory you seek.

This is why one must avoid anyone in a relationship where a metamour has control over how, when and where you interact.
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  #18  
Old 12-07-2013, 11:34 AM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
The way SHE seems to use the term secondary is that it is a relationship purely for fun, with no needs. If a date is made and cancelled, a secondary has no right to be upset or sad because - hey, they're only a secondary, not a real partner with feelings!
Ouch. You're just a plaything?

Good call to exit that situation, but breakups do suck. Good luck regaining your balance.
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  #19  
Old 12-07-2013, 06:07 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Polyamory isn't so much about one's ability to have multiple relationships as it is about one's ability for their partners to have multiple relationships. Many people profess Polyamory when what they really want is a harem. Which is also okay if everyone is on the same page. It would save a lot of heartache if people would just be honest and accurate about what they want.

I'm sorry you went through this and hopefully you'll find what you're looking for.
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  #20  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:51 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I avoid veto situations like the plague.. I don't care what the situation, I walk away. I prefer to date adults who are mature enough to respect EVERYONE involved in a relationship.
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