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  #1  
Old 11-27-2013, 02:31 AM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Default What does it take for him to see a problem?

One thing that my hubby and I (married 14 years, three kids) have repeatedly butted heads over (that is an understatement) have been the motivations and ethics of a couple of his partners. This is something I have gotten hypersensitive about because I am just so sick of the same damned issue. Which is, he simply does not want to recognize it if someone else wants to cause trouble in our relationship.

The latest situation involves a woman he dated briefly, whom he ended up as just friends with because he (and I) didn't trust her to be forthcoming about her sexual safety practices and partners. She threw a fit when he told her that a sexual relationship between them wasn't ever going to happen and refused to talk to him for months, They eventually reconnected as penpals and it looked like they were going to be able to restart their in-person friendship too, she was dating a lot and seemed to be finally OK with them just being friends. Then she threw another fit in email where she accused me of being abusive and controlling of him, because I hadn't been OK with him sleeping with her either when we found out that she had failed to disclose things to hubby that he needed to know for his own safety (and mine, and our other partners). She also revealed that she had been talking to former partners of both of ours, people she barely knew, digging for dirt about our relationship, and even claimed that a former lover of mine, who was still my friend, had trashed my character to her, which I did not believe for a second, and still don't. It was really, really ugly.

I wanted my hubby to end the connection immediately, which he was unwilling to do, and continued emailing with her for a while, telling her she was way off base about me and us, etc., but he never really got through to her and she just continued with her drama until he stopped writing.

What bothers me now is that he cannot seem to to see that his "friend" had any negative motivations towards me and our relationship. I know this might sound insane to some. It does to me. I have asked him, just what does a person have to do for you to question their ethics and recognize that they are trying to cause trouble, short of a confession that they are trying to do just that? He doesn't know.

Is there a word for someone who wants to cling to a positive opinion of someone no matter what they say and do? Even if the person attacks someone you care about? This has happened before, this is not the first problematic person he has dated, in fact, we had an even worse situation in the past.

I would utterly reject a partner or a friend who pulled what this woman pulled and I would have done so right away too. He may no longer talk to her, but he doesn't have a problem at all with her ethics, he thinks she just got upset but basically meant well.

I am trying to let go of all this, but I just can't. I feel I need him to recognize what he was dealing with, and he just refuses. This makes me feel very unsafe.
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Old 11-27-2013, 02:59 AM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
Is there a word for someone who wants to cling to a positive opinion of someone no matter what they say and do? Even if the person attacks someone you care about? This has happened before, this is not the first problematic person he has dated, in fact, we had an even worse situation in the past.
Hello, and welcome to the forum.

I suppose the word one would use depends on one's own attitudes and expectations of others. So, your husband may be a generous spirit always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and to hope for the best, or he may simply be naive, or worse.

If he tends to be generous toward others, that may be a good thing on the whole, all else being equal. I don't know your relationship, but I suspect that in your years together you've benefited from that generosity more than once.

(I know I've benefited from the forgiveness, patience and tolerance of others, most especially "Vix", my partner in a 20-year marriage.)

As for whether you should feel unsafe now, do consider that, even if you think he is too willing to give the benefit of the doubt, he did in fact cut off communication with her . . . eventually.

It may be that, in the fullness of time, he'll figure out how to temper his judgment of other people, and to recognize that it is possible to be critical of another person even as you hope for the best for and from them.
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Old 11-27-2013, 06:11 AM
london london is offline
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What does she need to tell you other than negative STD results and that she uses condoms for sex? You weren't discriminating against her due to ignorance about STDs and because she has casual sex, were you? Why are you deciding who your husband sleeps with anyway? Why aren't you letting him make his own decisions where he puts his penis?
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Old 11-27-2013, 12:52 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Thumbs down

She has genital herpes, which she didn't tell him about until after they had messed around. He, and I, made the decision that was something we did not want to risk, especially because they had dated for months and she had never told him. But he still valued his friendship with hHer, just did not want to proceed with a sexual relationship.

It would be nice if we could avoid getting bogged down in discussion of whether my husband should have slept with her or not. He was very relieved at the time that they hadn't had intercourse yet, and relieved when he retested and was fine. And sleeping with her hadn't been a big priority for him at the time anyway, since he already had multiple relationships.
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Old 11-27-2013, 03:20 PM
london london is offline
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Are you sure you don't have herpes? Routine STD tests do not include screening for herpes. Either way, let him deal with his own relationships.
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Old 11-27-2013, 03:52 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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He DID deal with his own relationship, as I have already said. I, and the other people in our sexual network, had some input, as is perfectly appropriate since our sexual healh was at stake too. No, we do not have it, we have both been tested for it multiple times. Not everybody on this board is a newbie with no experience, and I would appreciate if you would stop treating me as one.
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Old 11-27-2013, 04:09 PM
london london is offline
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Ah well, you see, the more experienced people generally understand that the vast majority of sexually active people have or will have herpes and/or genital want viruses so they tend not to be as bothered about sleeping with someone with herpes with precautions such as contraception. We have people on this board who have herpes and sleep with more than one person without a condom and those people also test negative. Anyway, it's up to you if you want to discriminate against people with a relatively harmful virus most of us will end up with. Many people do.

Back to your husband and his partner selection. Set boundaries where you do not share the same space or hear about his other toxic relationships and leave it to him. If he absolutely cannot manage to stop his relationships negatively affecting each other because he chooses toxic partners, that is something you might want to take up with him.

If I was poly and married, felt splitting absolutely wasn't an option but my husband continued to let my toxic metamours affect us, or he couldn't stick to agreements about how we prevent harm to our relationship, the only viable option would be to close the relationship. If I feel the only way to stop it was to actively manage his other relationships by imposing restrictions and setting the pace, I would opt for closing the relationship to work on us.
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Old 11-27-2013, 04:16 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Even if she and her husband were fine with her having herpes, the ex girlfriend decided to not disclose her status (lie of omission) until after some sort of sexual contact and allow them to make their choice on that. That on it's own makes it understandable for that relationship to have ended.
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Old 11-27-2013, 04:33 PM
london london is offline
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Hmm, yeah, but the thing about disclosure of infectious diseases is that if you're around a bunch of people who have flawed knowledge of your particular disease, you are less likely to disclose. Now, I'm not necessarily saying it is right, but it's understandable. The risk of giving someone herpes in the absemce of a break out and using a condom is tiny, but it's still someone's risk to consent to taking. But if i had herpes and someone was spouting bullshit stats at me about transmission or generally misrepresenting the risk, it would piss me off big time, and I'd probably shout at those doing that.
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Old 11-27-2013, 04:56 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Even if she and her husband were fine with her having herpes, the ex girlfriend decided to not disclose her status (lie of omission) until after some sort of sexual contact and allow them to make their choice on that. That on it's own makes it understandable for that relationship to have ended.
I agree, the worst thing was not disclosing it, what if she had given it to him and his partner was pregnant? It is a pretty vile disease for a pregnant woman to get.
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