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View Poll Results: How should we tell the Newbie? (please read post before answering)
The Secondary should tell the Newbie right away. 9 81.82%
The Secondary should tell the Newbie after their relationship progresses. 0 0%
You should tell the Newbie ASAP. 0 0%
You should tell the Newbie after her relationship with the Secondary progresses. 0 0%
Everyone should talk about this together ASAP. 2 18.18%
Everyone should talk about this after the relationship between the Newbie and Secondary progresses. 0 0%
You and the Primary should break up with the Secondary. 0 0%
Voters: 11. You may not vote on this poll

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  #21  
Old 12-18-2013, 10:21 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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It sounds to me like trying and desperately wanting to hear back from Secondary is causing a lot of grief. I wish it were easier to choose something, but when Secondary and Newbie are trying to sort things out and you're going through a hysteria trying to get an answer, it can be offputting. I know for me, with people I've been attracted to, once they get clingy and "want" more of me, it tends to turn me off.

My strategy for handling that lack of forwardness is saying to myself, if they don't have the courage to be outright and straightforward and there for and with me, I don't deserve to keep hurting in waiting. I'm still trying to keep an inner calm when it comes to these things, not worry or desiring so much of others, being less needy and more calm and giving, but it is still difficult to ration love like that. I'm sure there could very well be a better answer than the one I'm trying.

As of late, I've taken my "not deserving to hurt" a bit far by telling off people who hurt me with that sudden absence. I don't like the idea of inciting anger or responding with anger, as I feel it frustrates more than really accomplishing anything. It's difficult to be patient when people abandon so quickly when things get uncomfortable. It sounds like Secondary feels like telling Newbie would upset their relationship, and it's understandable. Wanting to please someone, placate them, and allay their worry is a nurturing, caring love. Not wanting to see hurt in those you care about makes sense. It is torturous not being responded to with honesty and openness when you give the same. It could be a lot of reasons why Newbie isn't getting back to you, but I imagine many of them boil down to fear and desire to keep things comfortable as they are. It is frustrating as hell when people do that. But you can't make them want what you want, only what they want. It takes a very noble kind of love to let go and be happy when others choose their own path separate from yours. Being put in that situation where your lovers of one sort or another are out of your grasp and hiding away, I presume, walking on eggshells out of anxiety or fear, for you is certainly difficult, but it is forcing you to be more selfless to be okay. By clinging to them, it's causing you tons of stress, transferring to your Primary and Secondary. Not having closure given to you is very hard, but when the ball is in their court and they drop it, sometimes you just don't get that courtesy. You just gotta find a way to brush it off and enjoy what is there, and not what flies away from you.
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  #22  
Old 12-18-2013, 08:43 PM
Azzy Azzy is offline
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Edit: Never mind. The Newbie just dumped the Secondary.

I feel like I ruined everything.

Last edited by Azzy; 12-18-2013 at 08:56 PM. Reason: changing the post
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  #23  
Old 12-18-2013, 09:27 PM
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Wow ... ... that doesn't sound like good news.
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  #24  
Old 12-18-2013, 10:42 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azzy View Post
Edit: Never mind. The Newbie just dumped the Secondary.

I feel like I ruined everything.
Repeat after me 'This is not about me.'

Don't take on what is not your problem.

Frankly, I suspect this is karma. Secondary was not forthcoming, didn't handle his business of being forthright about what he wanted and needed with either of you, and so disappointed everyone and likely cost him relationships.

That said, it is too bad. On the other hand, maybe he will learn from this. Or not.
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  #25  
Old 12-19-2013, 07:30 AM
london london is offline
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Newbie dumped secondary because she doesn't want to be poly. In truth, you probably did overwhelm her and give her an impression that poly always means highly involved relationships with your metamours but she might not have gone for it anyway.
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  #26  
Old 12-20-2013, 03:29 AM
Azzy Azzy is offline
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This is not about me.

I spent the day on Skype with the Secondary, getting the full story.

This is not about me.

The following content may be triggering to anyone who has dealt with a loved one's suicide.

This is not about me.

The Newbie's ex killed himself. She found the corpse.

This is not about me.

I wish I could believe this was a sick prank. Multiple friends have confirmed the event.

This is not about me.

I still feel guilty. So does everyone else involved.

This is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me.

Anyone have advice for finding a poly-friendly mental health professional?
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  #27  
Old 12-20-2013, 03:53 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Oh Azzy, that's horrible.

I assume Newbie is gone?

I am so sorry.

(((hugs)))



If you are in the US, try the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP): https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kin...-homepage.html

I'm afraid I don't know of resources outside of the US.

Also, even if you can't find someone who advertises as kink/poly friendly, talk to someone anyway. A therapist who deals with LBGT issues is often a good bet to be willing to listen about kink and poly. This is tough stuff. Don't sort it out on your own.

Finally, another (((hug))) and a 'This was not your fault.'

I know you won't believe that last bit right now. But it is true.

Feel what you are feeling. Everyone feels guilt around a suicide. Everyone. Try not to get stuck there. This was not your fault.

Again, I am so sorry.
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  #28  
Old 12-20-2013, 04:22 AM
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A few more resources for finding poly-friendly counselors:
Sorry you're going through this, and I hope all of you will be able to get to a place of healing in due time.
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  #29  
Old 12-20-2013, 04:24 AM
Azzy Azzy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I assume Newbie is gone?
Well, she is alive, but has broken up with and apparently cut off contact with the Secondary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
If you are in the US, try the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP): https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kin...-homepage.html

I'm afraid I don't know of resources outside of the US.

Also, even if you can't find someone who advertises as kink/poly friendly, talk to someone anyway. A therapist who deals with LBGT issues is often a good bet to be willing to listen about kink and poly.
I am checking out your link and will keep looking for mental health assistance.

I feel terrible for bothering her and adding extra stress to her life, even though everyone says I couldn't really have done anything to help.

Thank you to everyone who has participated in this thread.

P.S. Thanks, youkdt26417. I will check out the links you posted as well.

Last edited by Azzy; 12-20-2013 at 04:25 AM. Reason: P.S.
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  #30  
Old 12-20-2013, 04:29 AM
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Keep us posted sometimes, okay? I know you have a lot on your mind and plate at the moment.

Care and concern,
Kevin T.
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