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  #31  
Old 12-04-2013, 04:46 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I also took the OP's post as a statement that she and her boyfriend have a D/s relationship and that "Queen" signified something important to them. A position he'd elevated her to above his other subs. It must have been difficult for her to find out that changed.
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  #32  
Old 12-04-2013, 07:45 AM
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I took the whole sentence about being his Queen, life partner and girlfriend to mean that she believed that her label was superior to hers. What further led me to think this way was where she said that her label was always superior to the sub label with other people and now, these labels have changed.

I think if she had no value judgement about kink based relationships over vanilla relationships, the fact that this new person is his sub would have been Irrelevant. It would have just been that her partner has a new relationship that seems to be showing signs of primary style entanglement and despite the OP being married, she is jealous.
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  #33  
Old 12-04-2013, 08:13 PM
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It does take guts to come here and admit publicly that you are feeling afraid and concerned. And yes responses can sometimes come across as hurtful, antagonistic or patronizing. Posting about your feelings in a public forum is definitely opening a door to the possibility that people won't be kind.

All of that being said, everyone's poly mileage may vary. If you like what you read acknowledge it. If you dislike it then disregard it. If you're feeling triggered or lit up then maybe its worthwhile investigating why you're feeling that way. Might be you're responding to something in the way it was written rather than the content.

Jealousy sucks. The core insecurities that it brings forward suck. It is a reminder that we are imperfect and need work. It means we have to stop and ask for reassurance. I was reminded yesterday in a post I put up elsewhere here that yeah, I do need to keep the focus on myself. This whole jealousy, fear, anxiety thing is an inside job.

The specifics of the original question are hard to comprehend for me as I would not have chosen to stay in this sort of situation. So I'm not going to comment on that (stay away from the negative feedbacK).

I will say that asking for reassurance by simply admitting you're afraid can help. Not asking for anything beyond just hey i'm afraid could you please spend some time doing (fill in the blank that helps you feel better. I'm not talking about processing feelings either, actual physical reassurance/ touch.) I hope your pain eases and you can find some relief from your insecurity.
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  #34  
Old 12-05-2013, 05:52 AM
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Hi Juliana,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juliana View Post
What is ok to ask or expect?
Very often, we see people come here and ask some version of that: "What should I tell him/her?" " How do I say it?" "Is it okay that I want such-and-such? "Can I ask for this-and-that?"

Really, just like Dorothy, you had the answers all along... in your post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juliana View Post
I see him less frequently now but he swears his feelings for me haven't changed. I am confused because the sub role and partner role have been different, and I do not know how to handle the shift. Do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture. There are only 7 days a week, right? I understand that oxytocin is fun and I know he is excited to love someone who is available. I get that my problems are about me and my needs. But I am devastated. Ready to sabotage and give up something precious to me, and scared I will. Feeling like a jealous child and am feeling quite judgmental of myself about that. I have no idea because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. Any supportive insight would be appreciated. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared.
It seems to me that you want some reassurance about your place in his life, and are wondering how to ask for that. Just take what you wrote and make adjustments:

"I see you less frequently now, and this upsets me. Even though you swear your feelings for me haven't changed, I am confused about how my role in your life seems to have shifted. I do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture. There are only 7 days a week, right? I understand that oxytocin is fun and I know you're excited to love someone who is available. I get that my problems are about me and my needs. But I am devastated and I feel like I might sabotage what we have out of my confusion and devastation. I don't want to give up something as precious to me as what we have, and I'm scared that I will. I'm feeling like a jealous child and I'm quite judgmental of myself about that. I have no idea what is going on with me because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared. I need your support, some words of encouragement, and __[fill in the blank]__ so I can turn things around."

HTH!
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-05-2013 at 05:55 AM.
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