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Old 12-09-2013, 04:11 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Monogamish1 View Post
Bookbug - Nope I'm not asking him to refrain from pursuing others sexually. I want him to be who he is, and at same time I want what I want for me.

London - you are correct, I would love a mono-mono relationship with P, and yes I believe that would never happen, and I would not ask him to choose.

P is married, and he was/is sexually exclusive/fluid bonded to me. His wife refuses testing due to personal issues, and apparently was never much for intimacy with him to begin with. He is the one who expressed that he was only interested in being physical with me. I had only only asked him to be exclusive to me & wife until we had a solid relationship before pursuing others - I was the one who encouraged him to not deny his poly nature - but also requested that I be informed if/when he did want to pursue others physically again.. a very fair request in my opinion.

Could I "live with" a committed relationship to P where he remained married, whether sexually intimate with his wife or not, I don't know.
I want an anchor partner, for whom I am a priority. I don't want to have to beg and plead for time, to feel like "leftovers", to have my feelings ignored so he can chase other relationships whether sexual or not. I want someone whose home base is our home, who doesn't have to wait to find out what his wife's schedule (based on her work and her boyfriend's visits, etc) is before he can even consider if I can be offered those scraps of leftover time and attention.

When I identified as poly, my husband once expressed that a hobby I shared with my OSO (competition level dancing) was taking more time and energy that he wanted focused on him and he was feeling left out.. we compromised and the hubby tagged along socially at our practices and after the major competition was over, the hubby and I explored adding quality time with an activity only he and I would share.

Yes, I know even mono-mono share time with work, activities, friends, hobbies, etc... I was military, I KNOW how sometimes you simply cannot be there for a spouse, but the rest are choices. And when those choices are made unilaterally and I have to simply accept whatever is tossed my way without consideration, discussion or compromise- I'm not going to be happy. I wasn't happy when my ex-hubby took more tours in military after we had agreed he would get out after first so I could finish my degree - that selfish thinking demonstrated over and over again for two decades is one of the reasons he is an ex. I want a partner who takes my physical, emotional, intellectual, financial needs and considers those to be as important as his own, a poly partner can never do that for me because they also have a myriad of others to consider too.

Not bashing poly. When it is what everyone wants and can agree on, it is a very valid and wonderful way to live life. Just NOT one I want for me.
It sounds as though you have answered your own question. You want what you want. Not a thing wrong with that. It is just that it sounds nearly impossible that you will have it with him.
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Old 12-09-2013, 05:48 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 42

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I'm wondering if you were being honest with yourself (or if he was being honest with you, or even if he was being honest with himself) about what his feelings and intentions with others actually were. Is it possible that what he actually desired was full romantic relationships with these people, and that the perceived failure to tell others he wanted platonic was actually a failure to tell you that he wanted more than platonic?
I've been honest to myself and to him throughout. When I began feeling monogamish, I disclosed it immediately.
As for P, I have questioned, and asked him, if he was being honest with himself. Encouraged him to evaluate what he really wants in relationship(s) and for his future. When actions do not mirror words (not being blatantly clear to others what he was telling me about not seeking other relationships, failing to offer even the least bit of reassurances), I could only wonder if he was not being honest to me, himself, and/or the others. He verbally tells me his desire to be with only me has not changed, and gets immensely upset if I even suggest that he has acted in a deceptive manner.
When he finally did get around to telling C, he chose to say that he and I were "exploring our relationship" rather than we were planning a commitment ceremony and that he was not seeking more than platonic friendship with her. And even with that, he did not then come back to me to reassure me that he had spoken to her.
When someone I love needs reassurance that requires action on my part, I do the action and let them know I have done it. If I am unwilling to do it or want a compromise, I let them know and negotiate. Keeping silent and not taking any action led me to question even further his intentions - If it truly were platonic without wanting to mislead, in my mind it should have been easy to be blatantly honest and then reassure me.

But I digress. My heart wants what it wants. I love him no less because what he wants and what I want do not mesh. I don't want a "manageably unhappy" life. I want him to be happy and I want me to be happy.
If I stay, he will be happy and I will be miserable at least half time.
If I truly end it, we will both be very unhappy for the short term. We both carried a torch for each other for over two decades once already from when we first & it will always ache - the space he occupies in my heart will always be his. I would rather be alone with the potential of having someone who complements (and compliments) me the way P does who can provide that anchor primary relationship. Unless or until I "get over" P enough to move on, anyone who comes along would be a shallow replacement or even worse, a rebound relationship. I'll keep journaling in my blog here until I reach a point where I'm ready to leave him or come to accept feeling like crap and decide to try again with him.

Thanks all for perspectives.
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betrayal, monogamish, poly to mono

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