Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-09-2013, 03:22 AM
Dana Dana is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 46

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
lol, what do lesbians know about being bi? :P

A lot of people subscribe to the "spectrum" view of sexuality, that everyone falls somewhere along the line between homosexual and heterosexual, with all the grey area in between being varying degrees of bisexual or pansexual.

I've previously proposed a similar metric for poly/mono. Some people are like "I absolutely have to be able to pursue any love interest I want" and are firmly poly. Others are like "when I'm dating someone, I don't even notice other people" and are firmly mono. But lots of people are able to relate both ways, depending on where they are in life, whom they're dating at the time, etc.

I identify as pansexual, meaning that gender has no influence on my attraction to people. I don't really care about sex (the activity), and bodies are just as cuddly no matter what's between your legs.

I also find that some people's sexual orientation differs from their romantic orientation. That is, they might be able to have romantic, "more than friends" relationships with one gender, but not sexual relationships. Gralson identifies as bisexual, but he's never dated a man romantically and expresses no desire to do so.

Likewise, some people are romantically mono but sexually poly. I enjoy making up words, so I've described those previously as "monoamorous" and "polysexual." Conversely, someone could also be polyamorous and monosexual. In all those cases, I think it would be important to distinguish between those being part of your identity, versus making agreements to uphold certain behaviours. For example, someone could agree not to have sex outside the relationship without identifying as monosexual.
Really loved this post. Ding, ding...you hit several chords for me.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2013, 05:54 AM
CuriousGreg CuriousGreg is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 13

Originally Posted by thas View Post
Using the word heteroflexible cleared a lot of things up for me; I'm a male who isn't generally attracted to other men romantically (well, unless 'bromance' counts) or sexually, yet it's not out of the realm of possibility that I might end up comfortably and happily involved with a male partner. Since your orientation towards polyamory seems analogous to my orientation towards bisexuality/homosexuality, you could use the word "monoflexible" with me and I'd quickly understand where you were coming from.

I apologize for this post being more about me than you, SparklePony, but this is the first time I've run into the word heteroflexible outside the classroom (I'm a college student) and I'm kinda excited by that.
I liked this post a lot. I can relate and my gay friend and I talk about this quite a bit; we;d be an awesome couple if I would just be physically attracted to him. We can connect on a deeper level than just friends but when I see a naked guy I am just plain confused why anyone would be attracted to that and happy that not all women share that point of view with me.

Labels can be frustrating and they have always been a relationship hurdle for me. I don't know why people can't just be happy with what they have and need to call it something very specific. However the world would be pretty hard to live in if we stopped labeling everything.

How about functionally polyamorous; you identify and agree with the polyamory but prefer to be monogomous yourself and accepting of your partner.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2013, 05:58 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by SparklePony View Post
From what I've read monos are hard wired for monogamy seem to have a hard time accepting poly.
Not necessarily, for a few reasons. Many people disagree with the idea of hard wiring and instead feel we all have choices, and all of us have been influenced by numerous things (societal, familial, etc.) in life that bring us to where we are. Additionally, many,many people who practice monogamy understand and even admire polyamory as a choice, but simply feel it is not for them.

Blanket statements about any group of people really aren't of much use and often are not accurate. I think it's more important to figure out for yourself what feels right for you and embrace it, without worrying about what to call yourself unless there is some purpose that establishing a label would serve for you.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2013, 04:00 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,786

Murf is hard wired for monogamy and has never given me a problem with me being poly.

He fell in love with me and understood and accepted me for me.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2013, 05:54 AM
weareopeningup weareopeningup is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5

I gave up trying to categorize my marriage a while ago.

She's definitely closer to "poly" than I am in that she actively courts close personal relationships with other men, whereas I'm not really wired to get that close with anyone (male or female) other than her. But even as she develops those relationships, there's a gulf between what she develops with them and what we have together (a fact I have finally learned to take for granted - in the good "I trust her implicitly" way, not the bad "I take her for granted and neglect my end of the relationship" way). When jealousy was an issue for me, it was always on the emotional rather than the physical side.

I am definitely not poly in the emotional realm. She's the one. I can't imagine having that close of a connection with anyone else, let alone maintaining it. If I think about it I suppose there's still a tiny lurking desire for her to have a similar disposition, only wanting to have deeper connections with ME...but that voice is utterly drowned out by the joy we've BOTH found in the freedom afforded by accepting what each other needs.

That's not to say I am closed off and have no emotional connections with other friends. It's just not something I actively seek out. It has to be that rare person and takes time. And even among my closest friends, it only goes so far as I just don't have the capacity to maintain that. It's about the only form of jealousy remaining in our relationship - I am occasionally jealous of her ability be that open with people.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2013, 03:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

You sound non-monogamous to me.. Enjoy

I use the same label. Since poly is only a small part of my potential relationship structure.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2013, 10:34 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545


Originally Posted by SparklePony View Post
... Left to my own devices I probably wouldn't go through the extra effort it takes to bring new partners into a relationship.
Originally Posted by SparklePony View Post
I am probably responsible for him breaking from his pattern of serial monogamy and exploring his poly identity. I encouraged him to see other women and (since his last girlfriend was the jealous type) I "untrained" him of his preprogrammed behavior so he could feel comfortable hitting on other girls and talking about his relationships with me.
It seems like you have been willing to go through great lengths for him, but you are not likely to do that for yourself?? I think it's cool that you "untrained" him and everything! And I understand how much energy something like that can take. Just wondering why you wouldn't go through the extra effort it takes to bring new partners into the relationship?? As far as I'm concerned this is really valuable effort and it really pays off in the end!!

Originally Posted by SparklePony View Post
I've been wondering if I would be attracted to other men while in this relationship but it hasn't really happened yet. I'm not sure if this is because subconsciously I know that my man would not be comfortable with me being with other men.
Maybe this is really the reason?!!?? I think it's time to find out if this is true or not. Wow--if so. You may have to untrain him on that too. :-)

BTW- I identify as non-monogamous and bisexual.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:50 PM.