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  #21  
Old 12-06-2013, 05:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"she should" <-- This is the crux of my problem with your advice. She "should" do what's best for her. She's decided that that doesn't include having a sexual relationship with someone who has a history of lying about his safer sex practices (did you miss that part above? kind of a big deal), and who are you to say differently with such authority? You don't know anything about how good or bad his judgment is when it comes to how trustworthy other people are -- some people are wonderful folks but terrible judges of character -- and yet you presume to know that she "should" be breaking her own limits when it comes to sexual safety.

Many, many people feel that being told they "should" accept a level of risk that they're not comfortable with in order to save a particular relationship prevents them enjoying that relationship, or feeling safe and happy and strong in general. I know I feel that way.

And with that, I think I've said everything I have to say that has a chance of usefully contributing to this thread, and am gonna step back.
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  #22  
Old 12-06-2013, 05:55 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
]Don't you trust his judgement? Do you think he would have barrier free sex with someone who he isn't sure about? If so, that is your issue. I'd forget the poly thing altogether and work on establishing trust and respect.
I already said what she should do if her partner isn't trustworthy. As for him lying about using condoms, it might have been different if she gave him a way to have PIV sex. Even if it meant waiting a year. If you want people to be honest with you, you have to create an environment where they feel they can be.

As for should, we are in a forum, giving advice, we are all telling people what we think they should do. Regardless of how we phrase it.

Again, if Dana wants to save her marriage, she should look at ways to start having sex with her husband again.
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  #23  
Old 12-08-2013, 03:02 AM
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"Again, if Dana wants to save her marriage, she should look at ways to start having sex with her husband again."

Sex was the least of the marital problems and is not the appropriate starting point. I made no ultimatums. I made a choice for myself.

As for female condoms, I use them with my male partner now. They work very well. If my husband was similarly willing to use them with others, he certainly could. He never offered it as an option. It was initially presented to me as an all or nothing deal. While I could assume the level of risk he presented for myself, I could NOT do so on behalf of my other partners. By engaging in a sexual relationship with him without protection, I would be relegating myself to never having unprotected sex with anybody. My other partners have been adamant about this. His main partner in recent years has a history of unprotected and random sex with virtual strangers. She is a wild card and this was my deal breaker.

And before you judge too harshly and make accusations about my relative level of effort in repairing this relationship, I would add that this man, after nearly 25 years together announced to me one day that he has been "poly" for the past 15 years and has engaged in nearly a dozen sexual relationships, all of them without protection, and all of them without my knowledge. I have spent the last several years on a journey of my own. I have taken more steps in his direction than most could have and came to have an independent appreciation for poly. However, what he was doing was NOT poly. I feel incredibly grateful that I did not contract an STD and that my own capacity to enjoy healthy sexual relationships in the future was not taken away. I'd rather like to keep it that way.
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  #24  
Old 12-08-2013, 07:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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"Should" is just about the most useless word in the English language. More often than not, it stimulates guilt and shame rather than change and self-improvement.

It's bad enough for someone to tell others what they should or should not do. But to insist upon it as though they are the highest authority on another person's life is arrogant.

To top it off with shoulding from hypotheticals and inferences rather than personal experience actually dealing with the particular problem... well, that's just silly.

I find it incredibly ironic that someone who looks down her nose so much at people who are bossy and controlling would so frequently attempt to control not only the behaviour, but the very thoughts and beliefs of strangers on the internet. I mean, really.

Make your suggestions, fine. But when people say "thanks but no thanks" suck it up like a grown-up and accept that not everyone is going to do what you tell them to, and that this does not make them stupid, ignorant, or stubborn.
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  #25  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:25 AM
london london is offline
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If anyone has a problem with any of my opinions of what people should do, kindly follow the helpful link in my signature.

Dana, my opinion remains the same. Obviously, your husband isn't trustworthy and doesn't respect you. Nothing can move forwards until that changes and I definitely feel making new relationships (ie polyamory) is not advisable until the situation is remedied and he is no longer being a disrespectful, untrustworthy partner. You guys are adults and it is up to you if you want to continue a romantic relationship despite this fundamental discord but it's the kind of negativity that other people quite unintentionally get pulled into and affected by. For that reason I am strongly feel that people in already dysfunctional relationships (I fail to see how a relationship can function in the absence of trust and respect) should be incredibly mindful of how their choice to become involved with others can cause those others harm.

I stand by everything I said about his ED, fluid bonding and all that, but that can only happen if you don't have reason to distrust your partner. You do. And my opinion is that if you want to have a chance of a happy marriage with trust and respect, the dyad should be your sole focus at the moment and other relationships should take a back seat. Especially as his other relationships were the cause of the distrust to begin with.
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  #26  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:32 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
top it off with shoulding from hypotheticals and inferences rather than personal experience actually dealing with the particular problem... well, that's just silly.
I've had partners with ED. My first boyfriend aged 14 actually had some sort of ED as well as others I've had. I've had untrustworthy partners. I've been cheated on. I've cheated. This thread isn't a place to write my autobiography though. Trust, like most other people, my opinions about relationships in particular are based on first h,and or close second hand experience.
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  #27  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:40 PM
Dana Dana is offline
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"Obviously, your husband isn't trustworthy and doesn't respect you. Nothing can move forwards until that changes"

This was a Promethean leap, given very little actual detail about a very complex situation. And this is not my thread...
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  #28  
Old 12-08-2013, 02:52 PM
london london is offline
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I would add that this man, after nearly 25 years together announced to me one day that he has been "poly" for the past 15 years and has engaged in nearly a dozen sexual relationships, all of them without protection, and all of them without my knowledge.
So that is trustworthy, respectful behaviour? Oh, well if he is trustworthy and respectful of you I go back to what else I said: give him a way to fluid bond with other partners without having to give up sex with you. You've said he is trustworthy, so trust him to be worthy.
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  #29  
Old 12-08-2013, 04:02 PM
Dana Dana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
So that is trustworthy, respectful behaviour? Oh, well if he is trustworthy and respectful of you I go back to what else I said: give him a way to fluid bond with other partners without having to give up sex with you. You've said he is trustworthy, so trust him to be worthy.
Trustworthiness is not a black and white. And his disclosure was years ago. I am not going to distill very significant features of my relationship into a few sentences so it can fit nicely into a box for you. And this is NOT my thread. Please respect the OP and the rules for the group and stay on topic.

To the OP, I apologize for the distraction created here. Sexual health is such an important issue. I hope you got the answers you needed. If not, feel free to ask again.
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  #30  
Old 12-08-2013, 07:07 PM
london london is offline
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Everything discussed in this thread has revolved around people having a "fun" and "safe" sex life. A key component of many if not most people's romantic relationships. It hasn't gone off topic.
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