"Stop me if you've heard this one" - clichés we've heard from non-polys

[RfromRMC]

Originally Posted by Nexus

"I could never do what you do"

I would probably answer: "No, I doubt you could!"

[slm]

"for me, a relationship is about commitment"

[BlackUnicorn]

"Why can't you see you are just a pleasant diversion for them so they don't have to deal with the real issues in their marriage?" or any variation of the "Duh, you're being used, moron".

My response: Their real issue seems to be that they want each other to be happy.

"Look, they have already made a commitment, the only one society recognizes, to each other and have a real family of their own. You will never be an equal member of that."

My response: Why should I want a three-way marriage when I don't want a two-way one?

"Are you proud of yourself, breaking up a family with kids?"

My response: This is about building a family, not breaking up one.

The most common:
"Poly is just a fancy excuse for cheating."

My response: If everybody knows and accepts the situation, where does the cheating come from then?

[Tonberry]

I got:

Well, that's handy. If one dies or leave you, you've got a backup!

Yeah, right... Same with my parents, my three brothers and my friends...

You're hoarding all the guys!

No, I'm not hoarding any of them: they're all still available if you're interested in a relationship with them. It's the monogamous people (or rather, those that expects/require monogamy) who do the hoarding!

EDIT:
Thought of another.

After breaking up with Raga: Ah, so you're going to be monogamous with Seamus, now?

What? No! We're both poly, what would we be monogamous together? I mean, I guess we don't have other partners right now, but... No, really, just no.

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I got:

Well, that's handy. If one dies or leave you, you've got a backup!

Yeah, right... Same with my parents, my three brothers and my friends...

YES!!! Why do people assume that we're capable of loving 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 3 siblings, and 21 2/3 friends, but incapable of loving more than one lover? Why doesn't it surprise them that I don't get jealous when my friend(s) has/have other friends, but they can't get their heads around the fact that I don't get jealous when my lover(s) has/have other lovers?... Or - as you point out here - why do they think that people are so interchangeable that the death of one can just be covered over by the presence of another?

Originally Posted by Tonberry

You're hoarding all the guys!

No, I'm not hoarding any of them: they're all still available if you're interested in a relationship with them. It's the monogamous people (or rather, those that expects/require monogamy) who do the hoarding!

Originally Posted by Tonberry

After breaking up with Raga: Ah, so you're going to be monogamous with Seamus, now?

What? No! We're both poly, what would we be monogamous together? I mean, I guess we don't have other partners right now, but... No, really, just no.

Nice one!

[LovingRadiance]

It's ALWAYS bothered me when people suggest "replacement" as a way to deal with the pain of death or loss of a loved one.
It actually really creeps me the fuck out.

[sage]

"YES!!! Why do people assume that we're capable of loving 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 3 siblings, and 21 2/3 friends, but incapable of loving more than one lover? Why doesn't it surprise them that I don't get jealous when my friend(s) has/have other friends, but they can't get their heads around the fact that I don't get jealous when my lover(s) has/have other lovers?." sorry MFFR hopeless at extracting quotes.

This may be a little off topic but I've kinda heard it too many times lately to be able to let it go without responding and it is a question so here goes, sorry if it's too much information.

I understand poly (or I try to). I have a poly partner. I regularly fell in love with other men while married to and still loving (or believing I still loved) my now ex-husband. So maybe I am the kind of bridge between the two worlds that can understand both sides.

I could give you a long soulful answer about why monos find it hard to get their heads around loving more than one person but this way is probably more fun and these questions are rhetorical

-Do you want to rip the clothes off your grandmother when you haven't seen her for a week and kiss and suck every inch of her body?
-Have you been more vulnerable with your parents than you have with any other person on the planet?
-Do you spend the night trying to find your children in your bed when they're away and you're alone in a big empty bed?
-Do you have your life and your future invested with your siblings and so become uneasy when other friends come into their lives that could change the whole direction of your life.
-Do you live through the best and worst of those 21 friends of yours everyday, or are you happy with a snap shot of their lives?
-Is your heart so full of love for all these other people that you love in your life - parents, grandparents, friends (kids are in a bit of a different league, especially when small), that you just can't imagine life without them?

That is how a mono feels about the person they love, so it's really difficult for them/us (I don't exactly know what I am), to match up the love they feel for their partner to the love they feel for the other people they love in their life.
It's a very special and unique love and even for me, as much as I want Z to experience himself as he is , it still hurts at times that he fills my whole heart and I will probably never fully fill his.

[MrFarFromRight]

I know that your questions are rhetorical, but I want to answer them anyway

Originally Posted by sage

sorry MFFR hopeless at extracting quotes.
[...]
-Do you want to rip the clothes off your grandmother when you haven't seen her for a week and kiss and suck every inch of her body?

No, but I don't feel like that with my lover(s) either. I'd probably want to make a pot of herb tea, sit down, and ask how she [my lover] has been (and blather on about what I've been up to). But then, I have always put more emphasis on friendship, cosiness, cuddling, and mutual respect and interest in my love relationships than on the sexual side. [I've long suspected that I have an pathologically low libido.]

-Have you been more vulnerable with your parents than you have with any other person on the planet?

To tell the truth, I have certainly been more vulnerable with certain children in my life (none of them biologically my children) than I have with any other person on the planet. At times - after being wounded - that has caused me to build a barrier against being so vulnerable again. But I have always ended up realising that I am making my own life much poorer... and tearing down the barrier again.

-Do you spend the night trying to find your children in your bed when they're away and you're alone in a big empty bed?

If I had children, probably not. But I would miss them if they were sleeping overnight elsewhere - even though I believe that this is a valuable part of a child's growing independence.

-Do you have your life and your future invested with your siblings and so become uneasy when other friends come into their lives that could change the whole direction of your life.

With my siblings, no. (I'm ecstatic that I live on a different continent than most of them. [I live on a different continent than all of them, but I'm ecstatic only in most cases.]) With friends, I'd admit to a certain uneasiness in that potentially life-changing situation.

-Do you live through the best and worst of those 21 friends of yours everyday, or are you happy with a snap shot of their lives?

No... and no. I want more than snap shots of my friends' lives.

-Is your heart so full of love for all these other people that you love in your life - parents, grandparents, friends (kids are in a bit of a different league, especially when small), that you just can't imagine life without them?

I have a pretty vivid imagination - AND I've several times had the experience of losing all contact with some of my dearest friends - so I can imagine that (including in the case of lovers) all too easily.

That is how a mono feels about the person they love, so it's really difficult for them/us (I don't exactly know what I am), to match up the love they feel for their partner to the love they feel for the other people they love in their life.

I'm no expert here, but I doubt that ALL monos feel like that. This is not a criticism - and I can't remember many details from the book (years since I read it), but it's there on my shelf and I've been noticing the title recently - but have you ever read the book: "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin somebody? Maybe (?) what you're describing isn't a general mono thing (I really wouldn't know) but a fixation/co-dependence thing?

Here's a friendly hug () for you to store away until you're missing Z and need a hug...

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by sage

That is how a mono feels about the person they love, so it's really difficult for them/us (I don't exactly know what I am), to match up the love they feel for their partner to the love they feel for the other people they love in their life.

You make it sound like all monos and no polys feel that way. Some of these I feel too, and not just for one person.
Yes, romantic love is different from other forms of love. I agree. But that doesn't mean by loving several people we consider them interchangeable any more than loving several kids or friends mean we find them interchangeable.

There are things you feel for your kids that you don't feel for anyone else. They're unique, just like some things are unique to romantic love. But you can feel them for more than one child anyways, even if it's a feeling unique to children.

Similarly, feelings unique to a spouse can be felt for several spouses.

The bottom line is, someone with three kids doesn't like them only a third each of what someone with one kid does. Nor does it make easy if one of them dies. Considering it's possible to have one kid and it's possible to have three as well, you'd think people would know that a type of love doesn't get divided between its recipients.

To me, that remark made to me was telling me that I didn't care about my partners. That I was just using them as backups. Surely you can see how that's offensive? I understand that monos might not be able to love more than one person romantically at a time, but assuming these kinds of things about polys is rather a leap, isn't it?

In short, yes, of course, romantic love is it's unique type of love, it's not the same type as others such as love for your kids, your parents or your friends. But since people understand how you can love several people will all the other types of love, you'd think it wouldn't be so hard to understand it's also possible with this one.

[sage]

Thanks for the quoting instructions MFFR

Firstly I didn't say ALL monos feel this way. I was giving it as an answer to your question about why people can't understand how you can love more than one person.

Interesting that you read my post and can say things like 'co-dependence' and "women who love too much'. I've had monos tell me that I'm 'just not that into Z' because I can 'stand' to let him have another love. Of course they also question whether he's 'that into me'.

Tonberry I deliberately didn't extend the quote to cover interchangeability. I do get that and I do understand how you could be offended.