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Old 08-20-2016, 10:06 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Default Willing to share personal experiences of marital/child abuse for a children's book?

I have recently been participating in several threads where members mentioned either marital or child abuse. To spare myself a load of typing, I quote my comment from one of these threads:
Quote:
Quote:
[My husband] couldn't seem to stop his constant sarcasm, attacks on my character, gas-lighting, and fits of rage - all directed at me. There are children involved so I had to go.
I'm going to drag a side issue onto this thread. Apologies for the rambling preamble.

My good friend, Jimmy (also poly: that's his poem that's linked to in the 4th line of my signature) specialises [as a writer] in stories for children. The 2 of us work in a tiny "publishing hut" and he has discussed with me his idea to write a story for children dealing with marital/child abuse.

This is a future project (his present one is a story about escalating violence between 2 schoolboys [working title: "It All Started With A Joke. Honest."]), but - like many writers - he keeps several ideas bubbling along at the same time. The original idea for the marital abuse story actually occured to him before the schoolboy violence one.

It's a case of a woman who leaves her husband because she discovers that not only has he been abusive to her but also [subsequently] to their children. I don't know if that is the case with your husband (feel free to answer that one), but here comes the point:

The seed of this project was something that a teenaged daughter says to the mother: "Why did you leave because of us? Why didn't you leave because of what he was doing to you? Don't you deserve to be treated well?"

Here are my questions:

a) Could you answer that one for us?

b) Are your children aware of your husband's abuse towards yourself? If so,

c) How did/do they deal with that?

d) Would you (with or without your children) be interested in collaborating on this book? First-hand experience could make it more authentic. Although my father was emotionally abusive to my mother, she never left him. Where is the point where that decision is taken? WHY do so many abused women take that step "for the children's sake"?

You are a cultured, intelligent woman who expresses herself well. (Those 4 attributes are largely independent of each other: to find all 4 together is a plus). I admit that once I read the quote that starts this comment, I have stalked you (for 1/4 hr: enough to see your age in your profile [old enough to have children old enough to express themselves well on this subject] and your comments on other threads [your children are young enough not to be independent of their parents]).

Although not strictly on-topic re: this thread, you may answer here, link me to another thread (No: I'll start up one myself.) or send me a PM. (Click on my name to do so.) Or (of course) decide that you have better ways of spending your time (or that it's none of our business).

p.s. May I (the typo champion) point out to anyone wishing to make a search for the poem you shared, that it's by Pablo Neruda?
For anyone [else] interested, I add the following:

1) We [Jimmy and I] are interested in the experiences of anyone who has gone through - or witnessed - abuse. Even from abusers. Please don't feel that if you don't consider yourself "a cultured, intelligent woman who expresses herself well", we won't value whatever contribution you could make.

2) Can anyone recommend a polyamory.com-like forum for abuse victims? One where Jimmy could sign up to ask other abuse victims for their stories? He's more interested in first-hand accounts than in good advice from experts. (Though if you know of any excellent advice/analysis articles, please share those, too.)

3) Total confidentiality promised. Alternatively, if you want your name (or a pseudonym) to appear on the acknowledgements page, we could do that.*

i) Our experience is that if you publish your e-mail address on the Internet, your inbox gets swamped (no, not swamped: flooded) with spam. Jimmy has had to totally abandon several addresses due to this. Because of this, you can find a coded e-mail address (reduces the problem if not totally eradicating it) at http://la-granota.com/crazy.htm

ii) Or you could send me a PM.

iii) Or - if you wish to share your experiences with the whole forum - feel free to do so on this thread.

4) If you ask me not to look atyour profile and/or other posts, I will respect your wishes.

On the thread quoted from above, I advised the OP to see the film "Good Will Hunting". I extend that advice to ALL abuse victims. Pay especial attention to the following:

a) The victim - without having been healed and although a basically good-hearted person - becomes violent himself.

b) The scene where the therapist tells him "It's not your fault."

Warm hugs to all of you,
MFFR

* It's time people stopped being ashamed of admitting that they were victims of abuse. This is one of the big reasons for writing this book: children must be encouraged to speak out.

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 08-20-2016 at 12:02 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-20-2016, 10:23 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Personally, I would be interested in reading anybody's thoughts on the following:

Do you feel that there's any correlation between abuse and polyamory? Are we victims of abuse
a) looking for more love to make up for what we didn't get earlier?
b) creating back-ups in case one relationship goes wonky?

And please, don't let anybody jump on me for that question. I am not implying that
i) all (or most) abuse victims turn to multiple relationships;
ii) all (or most) people in multiple relationships are abuse victims.

Gimme a break here!
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  #3  
Old 08-20-2016, 10:40 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Should go without saying that sharing about any kind of abuse - gas-lighting, violence (threatened or carried-out), sexual and/or emotional abuse or any other kind - would be appreciated.
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  #4  
Old 08-20-2016, 04:29 PM
missmindful missmindful is offline
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Emotional abuse is tricky. I am a pleaser, or a care-taker. People like my ex-husband seek out people like me. His treatment of me was crazy making. He was convinced that "I did not think he was good enough" and he created a whole separate reality that supported this belief, if that makes sense. I believe that he had borderline personality disorder, but his therapists were quite sure that he did not. After trying therapy countless times to try to fix our marriage, and emerging from t feeling as if I was responsible for his behavior, I went to a therapist for myself. I told her that I thought my husband was abusive, and she said the only thing I could do was leave. I was not ready to do that. She told me- I can not help you on your marriage, but I can help you with you. That moment changed my life. I realized that in the course of my marriage I went from a happy, dynamic, smart, funny, outgoing top model to a mere shadow of myself. I was so beaten down, depressed and confused that I started having panic attacks. I could not keep the house clean, I would burst in to tears the moment he left, and the children and I would all be on eggshells around 6 pm when he came home. With this therapist, I started to build myself back up in the marriage. I did something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that literally teaches mindfulness. I worked on myself for two years inside the marriage, and left him two years ago. You should see me now. My lawyer adviced I go to school, and I almost have my AA in Early Childhood Education. This background in child devolpment has been so timely. I am a better mother for it. I know more how the toxic environment that we created has effected my children, and this is helping me help them.I am 44 years old, my young children are 3 and 6, and I have a 20 year old as well.

On to your questions:


Quote:
2) Can anyone recommend a polyamory.com-like forum for abuse victims? One where Jimmy could sign up to ask other abuse victims for their stories? He's more interested in first-hand accounts than in good advice from experts. (Though if you know of any excellent advice/analysis articles, please share those, too.)
http://outofthefog.website

Out of the FOG was an amazing resource for me. There are separate sections for adult children dealing with a parent with a personality disorder, and a section for "chosen" relationships like mine. FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. That is why you stay. A child feels these ten fold as a dependant. That it is why I think it is important to get them out early. For my ex-husband, he never got out, and he became abusive himself.

"Why did you leave because of us? Why didn't you leave because of what he was doing to you? Don't you deserve to be treated well?"

I am different. I did a ton of therapy inside the marriage. I stpped drinking three years before I left in order to have a clear head in order to deal with his crazy. I started exercising regularly, changed my whole diet, a complete lifestyle change. Most women have some issues themselves to end up in this sort of relationship. When I was UNHEALTHY, I played his game. I did not have the TOOLS to deal with his abuse.

It was a toxic environment for sure, and I did feel that I had to get my children out of it, but I left because of my own unhappiness. I left because I knew that just as much as I deserve to be happy, my children deserve to have a happy mom.

Quote:
Although my father was emotionally abusive to my mother, she never left him. Where is the point where that decision is taken? WHY do so many abused women take that step "for the children's sake"?
For me the point was taken when I realized that- I am only responsible for my actions. I am not responsible for his behavior. If he chooses to throw things, yell at me in front of the children, call me names, and belittle me in front of our children, that is HIS CHOICE.

I am responsibel for what I do in this situation. When I realized that the only way I could get the behavior to STOP was to LEAVE, that is when I made that choice. I simply realized that I could not take it anymore. My teenaged son did not need to see me disrespected like that again, as he has seen it his whole life from his dad, and my young children were being negatively effected as well. Did I leave for my kids? No. THat is probably why I STAYED. I did not want to have another failed marriage. Emotional abuse skews your thinking, and trying to live up to what family and society expects of you plays a role too. So many people are "shocked" that we broke up. People in abusive relationships are very concerned with "appearances". It is part of the false reality.

I am going to go for a run before it gets too hot. That may give you some food for thought. Feel free to ask more questions, I know I did not answer all of your questions, so let me know if there is something specific you would like answered. And please excuse my typos. I do my best, but I am usually typing with two littles hanging off me.

Miss M
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  #5  
Old 08-20-2016, 09:21 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Thank you SO much for that! Jimmy will get onto that forum pronto. You've given us a lot to think about. The only questions that remain unanswered (certainly no criticism of your post!) are:

a) Was your [now] 20-year-old a victim of abuse directed at him? I realise that being a witness to abuse is a form of being abused in itself.

b) Would he be willing to share his POV?

Hugs,
MFFR
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  #6  
Old 08-22-2016, 12:33 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missmindful View Post
http://outofthefog.website

Out of the FOG was an amazing resource for me.
Jimmy reports that it's an interesting site, but that - because of it's privacy rules* (understandable on a site dealing with abuse) - it's no good for the puposes of the book.

Any other suggestions, anyone?

* No external URLs allowed on open forum... and no invitations to PM allowed either. (A whole comment of his, entitled "More about me" was erased because he suggested that people could PM him.) Also: in the particular case re: the book, that whole thread was thrown out. No soliciting for surveys, interviews, etc.

I'm glad that it was of help to you, and other abuse victims should check it out. But as far as the book goes, it's a blind alley.
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