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Old 11-29-2013, 06:06 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221

I put up a blog post today (in relationships) that begins to describe my husband's switch from S/M to a girlfriend with intercourse and a daily relationship.

Thank you for putting up this post! I agree. And you sure your wife wants to be celibate?
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Old 11-29-2013, 08:50 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
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It could work for people who want that. I wouldn't want that personally. I would be more than happy to continue a friendship but I would want to live apart and I wouldnt consider them to be a partner.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:54 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

To recap: your wife's sex drive is lower than yours, and she logically acknowledges this, but emotionally she can't make the leap to being okay with you having sex with others while still maintaining the sexual relationship you do have?

Does she know why? This is the crux of the matter. And it will determine success or lack thereof.

To me, your wife's feeling that she could tolerate you having an another relationship only after she severs the sexual component of your relationship strikes as a recipe for disaster because it is not coming from a healthy place. In denying you both the sex you do have, she is punishing not only you, but herself. Seems like the perfect breeding ground for resentment.

And while she may not acknowledge it as such, this alternative seems to be saying. "Okay, I will let you have what you want, but it is going to cost you." And you may find that if you act upon it, the cost is higher than you think. Given that she has not provided a healthy solution, you may find that she is terribly hurt by your willingness to pay that price and she is the opposite of okay with it.
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Old 12-01-2013, 09:06 PM
Poddle Poddle is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4

Thank you all for your responses. They have each given me much to think about and I will share this thread with my wife when we net get a chance to sit down and have more conversation about this.

In the interests of clearing up a few points, both my wife and I are women. Our children are young (6 and nearly 3) so yes, we do suffer the inevitable tiredness that comes with this. I carried both of them, not that this makes any difference now that I'm no longer breastfeeding. Magdlyn, you ask some great questions, some of which I can answer now and others my wife and I need to discuss. I think I am going through the same 'sexuality exploding' thing that you mentioned happened to you when your youngest grew beyond toddler age. When my sexuality was lower due to having babies/toddlers my wife and I were better matched. Now it is growing again and hers is not. Hence these conversations.

Since we started having these conversations we have reintroduced a weekly 'date night' which has resulted in much more close time both on those nights and in between which has been lovely and is something we will continue, but it's made no great change in our sex life.

I don't believe my wife wants to be celibate. When we do have sex it can be amazing and she really enjoys it, but it never stays high on her priority list for long. Yes a busy home and work life impact on this but I have that too. And I don't believe she is trying to 'punish me by denying me sex with her' if I were to choose to have sex with others. I can see how it could be interpreted as this but I genuinely believe that she is trying to find a way to manage some very big and difficult emotions that are at odds with what she accepts intellectually.

Bookbug, I think you hit the nail on the head. Discovering that the thought of cutting off our sexual contact makes her feel better about me being sexual with others is one thing but understanding why is so much more important. I wish I understood why intellectually it sits OK yet there is still this big emotional issue to contend with. And I think you're right. We need to try to get to the bottom of that before I act on any of this because otherwise we are just asking for trouble. Big emotional mountains don't get squashed just because you build a wall around one part of them.

Bofish, I'm off to read your post now.

Oh and I suggested we have some couples counseling (psychology/therapy is my wife's professional field as it happens) but at present it is beyond our means financially.

Thank you all. Any other thoughts, please do continue to share them. I suspect we're going to be discussing/wrangling with this for a little while and your combined input thus far has been invaluable.

Last edited by Poddle; 12-01-2013 at 09:31 PM.
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Old 12-02-2013, 05:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

I have non-sexual "partnerships". In business, friends.. etc..

I can't have a non-sexual romantic relationship. It is neither an interest or something I am interested in time managing.
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