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  #1  
Old 12-05-2014, 11:14 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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Default Random Questions for Fellow Polyshippers!

Hello out there! I hope everyone is doing well!! My relationship is going very well. (Poly triad: hubby, wife, girlfriend - each date each other.) Our girlfriend is on the verge of moving in with us. Very big, happy step!

I have a series of questions that I'll number for organization purposes, in random order. I'd love to hear other polyshippers opinions!!

1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?

2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?

3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?

4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?

5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?

6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?

7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.

8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)

9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do?
medical, insurance, job, etc.


Thanks for reading. I appreciate opinions/advice.
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  #2  
Old 12-06-2014, 02:00 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
Hello out there! I hope everyone is doing well!! My relationship is going very well. (Poly triad: hubby, wife, girlfriend - each date each other.) Our girlfriend is on the verge of moving in with us. Very big, happy step!
Welcome and congratulations!

Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?
You are probably going to get a lot of advice about not moving in together unless all of the relationships are AT LEAST a year old. I understand that. But that is not me. I'm a jump in a swim type when in comes to relationships (but not with anything else). I, personally, don't think that you don't really know someone until you live with them. I've seen a really good checklist around here about what you all feel about certain things...hopefully someone else will post it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?
We are "in the closet" with regards to my work - luckily I feel absolutely no obligation to attend events that I don't want to. If it feels "mandatory" then I ask my husband-of-record and leave as soon as possible. With family - either we assume a +2 or don't go. If they know us well enough for me to feel obligated to attend then they know to invite Dude as well

Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?
We don't ... explain to family. Will talk to friends. If they are really friends then they already know that we are "alternative" in various ways. The explanation - I have a husband and a boyfriend, they are best friends, and everyone is happy; we all live together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?
Luckily, we have never had to deal with this. Dude has been invited as "our roommate" without having to explain the situation explicitly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?
Urm...the other room? We live in a one bedroom house. It's always fairly evident if there is something "going on" - if we don't want to be interrupted we close the door.

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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?
I think the "having babies" issue should probably be separated from the question. I met MrS at a party my senior year of high school. MrS met Dude at an event for an activity they both share and became friends. A few years later I met Dude through a weird concatenation of events. Dude met Lotus on OKC (where we all had linked accounts).

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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.
This hasn't come up at other's homes. When I had my whole family at my house and MrS/Dude/I chose to "camp" in one room...nobody said a word.

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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)
"Should" is a question begging word. People are offended or not..."should" doesn't come into play. What are your agreements? We use "friend" "best friend" or "roommate" if we are not out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do?
medical, insurance, job, etc.
I don't see any issue with listing other partners as emergency contacts...I might do that if I were single. I don't have the option of putting Dude on my medical insurance...or I would. Really this depends on your individual circumstances, local law, employment, etc.
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  #3  
Old 12-06-2014, 02:10 AM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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Yes... I should clarify ... We have been in this triad relationship for a year and a half. We already have shared chores, grocery bills and closet space. Basically running two households. Moving into one household seems smart. But cramped?

Thank you very much for your reply!!
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Old 12-06-2014, 02:26 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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I am the hinge in a V. We have been co-habitating for about 7 months now.

Quote:
1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?

For us, moving in together just made sense. My boyfriend lived 2 hours away, and I was splitting time between the two households. We did pros and cons, but really, it was more about love than finances. We wanted to be together.

My husband and I have a once a year, big finance meeting. Kind of like a state of the union address, but it's the state of who we are and where we are going. We discuss where we are headed - big picture, what our long term goals are - and how we are planning to get there - short term stuff, less than a year out. We do that as a couple already, and this year it just made sense to include my boyfriend, so we did it as a three. We all came out with action items as things that were discussed needed clarifying, etc. It was very empowering for all of us, because we're working on shared goals and dreams now.

Quote:
2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?
We are out to everyone. However, plus one get togethers are usually fairly easy to handle, as more often than not, someone would rather stay home in their pjs. My guys are both introverts!

If it would be a detriment to your job to be outed, then I think that choice is simple.

Quote:
3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?
It isn't difficult for me to explain. Some people love just one person of the opposite sex. That's ok. Some people love just one person of the same sex. That's ok too. And some other people choose to love more than one person. That is me. I choose to love two guys, and even though that isn't the norm, it's also ok.

I'm not saying it would work for my friends or family. It's what works for me. They don't have to like it. I don't need their permission. They can judge me, but I don't allow anyone to pass judgement. I'm an adult.


Quote:
4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?
It is inconsiderate to push someone to extend an invitation. It is not inconsiderate to extend one of your own.

My mother in law refuses to meet my boyfriend or attend any function where he is present. She refuses to come to our house. That's ok. We extend the invitation anyway, and if she chooses to one day come, great. If not, it is her loss, not ours.

When she invites my husband to go have breakfast out, he goes if he wants to. I don't sulk or make him feel guilty about it. That is his relationship. If she invites me, I go if I want. Frankly, my boyfriend has no desire to sit and interact with someone who wishes he didn't exist. He finds something else to do during that time.

Don't think of it as torn traditions. It's an opportunity to make new ones. We continue on, happy together.

I also don't censor myself when talking with my mother-in-law. If she asks me what I have been up too, I will mention things if they involve my boyfriend. But I'm not coercive or in-your-face about it. But I am also not going to ignore that he exists. I think being matter-of-fact is the way to make it more normal to those who think we're crazy, or immoral.


Quote:
5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?
We each have our own bedroom. We also have space elsewhere in the house to call our own, on a different floor, so if we'd like to be out of earshot, that can happen. I have the master suite since I am the hinge, and the guys switch off every other night for sleepovers. If one has a sleepover, earlier that day or evening the other gets a date with me. So everyone has time alone on any given day, or night.

Quote:
6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?
OkCupid, maybe. We are polyfi and we don't want any more kids, so this is not an issue. The topic of having children can break up monogamous couples, and poly groups are no different. I would suggest working through this if you want to be long term. Maybe she could be inseminated through a sperm bank, if she doesn't want to date. If she's living with you - baby daddy or not - you will be involved in the child's life!

Quote:
7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.
Good luck. If you aren't being honest about your relationship to extended family, I assume that's something she is going to have to be ok with doing. Stay in a hotel maybe?

Quote:
8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)
I don't think "should" is the word. Feelings are feelings. I don't think there is a correct emotional response or an incorrect one. If the person wants to be able to have a different response, then that is something they need to work on. I know, me personally, that's why we came out to everyone. I didn't want to hurt my own feelings by pretending my boyfriend wasn't someone I loved.

Quote:
9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do?
medical, insurance, job, etc.
My boyfriend is listed as my health care proxy. That way, he will have similar rights as my husband - he can visit me in the hospital, be present for decisions, etc. He is beneficiary to my husband's life insurance, if I weren't there to collect. I am beneficiary to his. We have a joint bank account that I pay bills from, and each guy has their own separate account with their own money. I am beneficiary on those individual ones as well. It was of utmost importance to me that my poly be as non-hierarchical as possible. I can't legally marry my boyfriend, but we did our damnedest to integrate ourselves as if we were. If you are still practicing primary/secondary, then maybe that's not important to you.

Quote:
Thanks for reading. I appreciate opinions/advice.
I have a journal and a few weeks back I wrote a lot about joining finances and insurance. Check it out, if you're interested. I believe it is around page 43.

I recommend not jumping into co-habitating without working out most of the issues first. If there might be drama over choices (kids, finances) or not being out, it's easier to deal with when you're not already committed to a lease, if it's a deal breaker.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 12-06-2014 at 02:34 AM.
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Old 12-06-2014, 03:16 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Hi! (sorry, not up to proper quoting tonight)

1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?

I encourage you to talk about an exit strategy before moving in. Not because anyone is planning an exit, but because it's a useful conversation. If you do move in, and *something* happens, what will who do? Who will have to move? Are we capable of supporting whoever has to move, even if we have hurt feelings? Are we capable of surviving the slings and arrows of outraged friends/family/neighbors because we're unconventional? Can we bear the consequences if we are found out? and if we are never found out? (keeping it secret has its own consequences)

2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?

When I first got back together with FBF, CBF was the 'boyfriend on record.' I went to Vegas with FBF, and I'm not the sort who can not talk about stuff. My boss was afraid I'd come back married. I passed it off as friend. As to parties, I couldn't ever persuade either of them to attend anything. :P


3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?

Well, I wasn't married. I told people like I had the coolest secret ever to share: 'I have two boyfriends!' The scandalous part was that they knew, and they were besties. My family were all polite and said the supportive words, and didn't seem to take any subversive action.


4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?

Yes, Miss Manners would have a fit. Invitations may be offered, and they must be offered with permission for the invitee to say 'no, thank you.' Choices have to be made in life. I find that a sucky, sucky part of life. I was never happier than when I quit Christmas with my family and spent it with people I chose instead. [my parents fucked with Christmas too hard when they split. I might feel differently had they not that. But I adore holidays with my chosen ones.]

I did get to have Christmas with both, at CBF's mom's. It was also the first time we had all three been in the same room since we started our vee. I was completely and totally freaked out. For about five minutes. And then it was fine. She didn't overtly know, but I'm sure she suspected. She was an ER physician and had seen things I hope to never. She didn't shock easily. And she loved me. And her baby. And she was quite fond of FBF as well.

5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?

I got nothing.

6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?

OKC?

7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.

Again with Miss Manners. It would be asking a lot for that - I don't think it's a fair request [perhaps, if the parents have professed understanding and support - but still, I wouldn't ask it of my parents and given what they've done, it wouldn't be out of bounds. But I still wouldn't]. I think I would choose a hotel if that were the case. More likely, a day trip.


8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)

I don't think feelings ever 'should' be hurt. If you feel hurt, then you do. If you never will come out to them, why would you be? I'm confused. I also think the 'friend' thing is overrated as a complaint. Are they not your friends? My men are my best friends (even still, when one is no longer my lover). So it's not a lie. And it's certainly not the business of people who don't know you that well (and maybe those who do) whom you're sleeping with.

9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do? medical, insurance, job, etc.

I recently am making the rounds at my local medical establishment for cancer. I have like five people listed. My FBF is long distance, as is my father. CBF is unreliable, but local, so listed. My ER buddy doesn't carry a cell-phone, but he's the one who always takes me to ER, surg, procedures - so he's listed (with my cell). And my best girlfriend too. Makes hospital people crazy.
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Old 12-06-2014, 06:52 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?

we wouldn't all live together, that is not something either partner wants and i dont think i would be uncomfortable with that as both men are mostly monogamous.

2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?

each guy gets certain nights, i go to events with the person who's night it is

3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?

I've been openly poly for about 15 years, all my family know, i just told them that i am not mono and why. I tell all my friends and coworkers because I frequently talk about my husband, and my boyfriend. again I tell them I am just not wired for monogamy and answer any questions they have. hasnt been an issue for anyone and it seems that open relationships in general are getting more and more common

4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?

no, I would never go somewhere i wasn't welcome. going to someone's home uninvited is rude .

5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?

If i lived together each person would have their own bedroom. I would not want to share a bedroom with 2 partners.


6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?

Nate met people online or through me (friends of mine) I met Sam through a friend of mine because he works at my agency. i've never had luck meeting anyone that meets my criteria who is ok with poly online. Actually sam wouldnt have been ok with had i approached him 3 years ago when we met.


7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.

I think the best thing to do is just come out instead of making up some kind of story about why you are sleeping in the same bed,

8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)

if you are all in agreement that you will be in the closet to certain people then there is no reason for hurt feelings.

9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do?
medical, insurance, job, etc.

I just list my husband because I'm married to him
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Old 12-06-2014, 02:53 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
Hello out there! I hope everyone is doing well!! My relationship is going very well. (Poly triad: hubby, wife, girlfriend - each date each other.) Our girlfriend is on the verge of moving in with us. Very big, happy step!
Congratulations!

Quote:
I have a series of questions that I'll number for organization purposes, in random order. I'd love to hear other polyshippers opinions!!
This is coming from someone who is *not* cohabitating with both partners... but I'm opinionated, so I'm sharing from that perspective.

Quote:
1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?
I would think it wouldn't be all that much different from moving in with a monogamous partner, to be honest. You'd want to make sure that the relationship is solid enough to withstand the added pressures of sharing a household full time. I would assume you wouldn't want to move in together if you didn't see SOME kind of future for the relationship; no one has a crystal ball, but on the other hand, a commitment like this shouldn't be taken as something temporary, in my opinion.

That said, only the three of you know whether it's a "good idea" at this time to combine your households.

Quote:
2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?
I don't have any "plus one" events, since I work for myself. Hubby works for his father and uncle, so if there is a work Christmas dinner, it's presumed he'll be bringing me, because I'm his wife. S2 is skipping his company's party this year; he works for a very conservative law firm and doesn't want them to know about me because it could be grounds for him to lose his job, and he also doesn't want to explain that his marriage ended over six months ago, because he hasn't told most of his coworkers that yet.

Quote:
3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?
Hubby has told me that under no circumstances is anyone in or connected to his family to find out about our situation, for exactly this reason. He doesn't want to have to explain it. S2 has "come out" to one of his oldest friends, who took a while to understand but has finally reached the point of "if you're happy, I'm happy for you". I only have two other friends besides Hubby and S2, and they both understood; Alt understood, Country hasn't been told yet, and my parents don't understand but I told them they don't have to, I would just like them to accept that instead of having one man in my life who loves me and wants to take care of me, I have two.

Quote:
4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?
I would say yes, it would be inconsiderate, just as it would be inconsiderate for you to invite yourself to an event that you weren't invited to. It's the choice of the host to allow or not allow people at their event; it isn't up to you to decide they have to accept your situation. It might not seem fair that your girlfriend has to choose, but it's her parents' right to make that demand since it's *their* holiday event at *their* house. *They* get to choose who's there and who isn't. If you want them to accept your relationship, you need to accept their resistance to it and their choices about how far their acceptance goes... and you also need to be able to deal with the fact that they might NOT accept it.

Quote:
5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?
Again, I only live with Hubby, but I would guess that if we ever invited S2 to move in with us, each guy would have his own room and I'd alternate... therefore, I'd have alone time with each of them without infringing on the other. (We're a V; the guys have nothing to do with each other.)

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6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?
Websites that are open to poly folk, I guess. I found Hubby and S2 (and my ex-boyfriend Guy) on AdultFriendFinder. I know a lot of folks find partners on OKCupid. The most important thing, regardless of where other partners are found, is to be completely open and honest with them from the start about what the situation is.

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7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.
This would never happen in my case; the only relatives who live far enough that we would potentially spend a night are my parents. S2 wouldn't be invited to anything at their place, and Hubby and I never actually spend a night there; if we did, we would stay at a hotel, not actually in the home. And the three of us would never share a bed--or, likely, a room--anyway, since the guys aren't involved with each other.

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8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)
As others have said, "should" isn't a consideration. You feel however you feel; if you feel hurt, that's how it is. But it's often better to be safe and introduce each other as "friend" to people who you aren't out to; if you aren't out, there's a reason for it, and if you introduce your girlfriend as "girlfriend", you'll be outing yourselves, which would defeat the purpose of not being out to that person.

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9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do?
medical, insurance, job, etc.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate opinions/advice.
That would be up to you, and I would advise taking into consideration whether you're "out" at work, and if not, what the impact might be if you're outed.
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  #8  
Old 12-06-2014, 11:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
I have a journal and a few weeks back I wrote a lot about joining finances and insurance. Check it out, if you're interested. I believe it is around page 43.
Just thought I would add that you wrote about your finances and finance meeting starting at Posts #427, 430, and 431. For those of us who have customized our Posts Per Page settings, there would be different page numbers. For example, I set mine to 40 per page, so those posts are on Page 11 for me.

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  #9  
Old 12-07-2014, 02:15 AM
Orangesmartie Orangesmartie is offline
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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
1. First of all, with the moving in stuff... we are working on a pro and con list. Do you have any thoughts on how to know if it's a good idea to move in together? How much of the future do you really need to think about? The next year, 5 years?
I moved into their house (polyfi triad) but have retained my own house, 200 miles away, both to provide a home for my nephew, of whom i am partial legal guardian, and also to a safety net.

I moved in because i was looking for additional work, they suggested i looked in London and lived with them. We were all struggling with being apart so much.

We do not mix finances. I pay a small token amount each month and pick up groceries as needed outside of the large monthly shop. I also generally purchase my own personal items.

Due to my arrangements for my nephew, there is no point i can consider at the moment, where i would sell my house. If we were to all live together (whether in their home or one we got together) and i relinquish my house, i want a legal agreement which states our obligations in the event of a separation or death of one of us. That includes maintaining a separate fund of money that would provide a deposit and first month rent/utilities if someone had to move out. Such agreement would also detail contributions to the house (deposit/mortgage etc). I am very aware that in the event of the death of one of my partners, I am legally persona non grata and would want these things spelt out.

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2. How do you all deal with "plus one" types of get togethers, especially when you're in the closet (like a work xmas party situation)?
my male partner and i are not out at work. I am a contractor in a conservative industry, I rely on recommendations. Therefore, i go to functions like that on my own. He takes his wife (my girlfriend). My girlfriend is out at work and we know her colleagues. Luckily, her xmas do is staff only.

Other situations we take on a case-by-case basis, depending on the situation and other people involved. If we know the inviter well enough, we may ask for an additional invitation, but generally we tend not to bother going. And if we know the inviter well, they generally know there is 3 of us anyway!

My dad hosted a large event last year, at which my attendance was mandatory. I asked my parents, as hosts, whether my partners could attend, as my partners (rather than as friends) and was told they expected nothing less. To other guests, depending on how well we knew them, depended on the introduction given. To those who were introduced to them as my partners, barely blinked and welcomed them.

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3. How do you explain what poly is? What do you say when your family/friends say they don't understand?
I've never had anyone say to me they don't understand what it is. I've only ever explained it to one friend. And i used the analogy of children - you might have more than one child, you love them equally. Same premise.

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4. Is it inconsiderate to "push" parents/family into allowing/accepting your poly family to have holidays together? For an example, girlfriend's parents don't want us to come for xmas. I know it's her choice to either go be with them or stay with us, but it isn't fair that a choice has to be made. Do we make a stance about that, at the risk of hurt feelings, torn traditions, and forced visits?
for my parents and my girlfriend's parents, its not a problem. they know and are accepting. My girlfriend's brother knows but doesn't like it. Therefore I choose not to attend family events where he will be. This is is so he doesn't feel uncomfortable around his family. He (nor my girlfriend, or her family) have never asked this of me, but i see no need to make someone uncomforable.

my boyfriend's parents do not know and we have no interaction with them (not poly related).

I have only recently introduced my partners to my extended family. This was mainly due tot hem being 400 miles away, but i was also concerned about their reactions. However we went on a visit. I introduced them by name, but made no reference to relationship, until asked a direct question by my grandmother. God love her, she's a gossip and took care of telling the rest of the family. Both partners were subsequently welcome to attend my grandfather's recent funeral, but only my girlfriend attended.

As for holidays: I spend christmas in my home, near my parents, with my nephew. my partners spend it in their home. We spend a week over new year together. We call it our 'triadition'. We go away to a remote cottage for the week. No other holidays cause any difficulty, we tend to spend it together as the three of us.

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5. When living together, where do you go at night/overnight to let the other two have alone time?
This is a recent bone of contention among us. I go to my house 2 weekends a month. They come down for one of those weekends. I leave thursday night, they follow on the friday night, so they have one night together there, plus a weekend (thursday-sunday) each month. I am also late home on a tuesday night, giving them a couple of hours together. If i fall asleep early (rare), they also have time then.

I do not get the same alone time. He and I might spent time together (read have sex) if she has fallen asleep. She and I might have time together when he is out at his club. But its a sporadic couple of hours here and there, and I think this is now an issue for me.

Quote:
6. Where do you find other poly people to start a relationship with? The girlfriend wants kids someday and we don't, so we know a divide will happen some where in the future. The perfect scenario is for her to find a "baby's daddy" while still being with us ... but that means she'll have to date and date. She thinks, "Who's going to want to pick me up for a date at my boyfriend/girlfriend's house?" Not to mention that we're all worried it will change our dynamic, ruin things, etc. (worse case stuff). I know it's possible because some of you all do it ... but where do you find people to date that would be cool with her staying in a relationship with us?
Don't know, sorry. I've known my partners 12 years now. We first met when my ex-boyfriend was talking to my current girlfriend about her forming a relationship with us. He lied, she caught him out and met her now husband/my boyfriend. None of us want children, so not a consideration.

Quote:
7. How do you explain to family members when you visit them that the three of us want to sleep together, in same room, when you haven't come out to them yet? We stayed at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and she slept in another room. And it sucked.
We stay in hotels and avoid the situation entirely. Not that it would bother most of my family, they are open minded.

Quote:
8. Should any of our feelings be hurt if we are ever introduced as "friend" to people we haven't come out to, and probably never will? (like co-workers)
I am generally the one introduced as 'a friend' and yes, it hurts, but that is what is appropriate to the situation and i accept that. I'm not sure why it hurts. maybe to be denied? or maybe because we have to hide. I remember a particular situation where we were being introduced to a friend of his from his club. I expected to be introduced as a friend, was feeling sulky/hurt about it, but knew that it had to be that way because of their friendship. I can't describe the burst of fireworks in my stomach when he introduced us as B, my wife and S, my girlfriend. Friend, to his credit, did a double take and then carried on.

It hurts when i introduce one or both of them as a friend. It hurts when i say 'my boyfriend' at work and have to omit my girlfriend, but i take the view of a i pick my battles, and being out might assauge the hurt of the lie, but cause a shit ton of other damage down the line. We all know and accept that we cannot be entirely honest with the world at large.

That said, outside the sphere of our jobs, we try very hard to open about our relationship and not hide it. Most people just take it in their stride, and I am slowly opening up to some friends about it.

Quote:
9. What about listing your peeps as "emergency contacts"? To do or not to do?
medical, insurance, job, etc.
Both of them are listed as ICE numbers on my phone. However, on legal/medical documents, work contacts, my mother is listed as my emergency contact, as she is my legal next of kin. She is however, aware of my wishes and instructions with regard to my partners, for example access if i were in hospital. However, decisions on my medical care will be taken solely by my mother, but i would expect her to take into account the opinions of my partners. Legally, should I die, my estate passes entirely to my nephew. I don't know if my partners have wills. If not, their estate will be divided between the surviving spouse and their (separate) children. Should we be in a position to have joint homes/finances, then i would insist on proper wills, with a proper division of estate.
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Old 12-07-2014, 12:36 PM
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Just thought I would add that you wrote about your finances and finance meeting starting at Posts #427, 430, and 431. For those of us who have customized our Posts Per Page settings, there would be different page numbers. For example, I set mine to 40 per page, so those posts are on Page 11 for me.
Thanks!
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