Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-13-2014, 02:34 AM
Relssek's Avatar
Relssek Relssek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 17
Default Just confused

I'm a 38 year old male who just broke up with a 28 year old female. I am in an open marriage and my ex and wife were aware of each other and the situation. Before I started dating Mollie (ex) she expressed to me that she would eventually want to settle down with someone and start a family. I told her I was totally ok with her wishes and told her that when the time came and she wanted to find someone permanent to tell me and I would back off without any arguments and that I wished we could still be friends. She agreed. So after being together nearly two years I come to find that she has been going behind my back and talking to guys on dating sites. I found this out because she received a message from some guy I didn't know one night she was at my place. I called her out on it and she vehemently denied that it was anyone but a friend. So, I called said friend and it turns out that they've been talking and exchanging messages for awhile. We got into an argument over it and she stormed out and I haven't heard from her since. That was November 30th. I've tried emailing her and messaging her but get no response from her. I got one response when I said I really needed someone to talk to with her response being what's wrong to which I replied, I hope your new guy treats you half as well as I did and does he know you cheated on me, I'm sure he'd love to know. Because I was upset. I haven't heard anything since. That was December 5th. It's killing me not hearing from her because I would like closure as to what the heck was she thinking and what the hell is going on. My question is, what do I do. I still love her and have feelings for her. I don't necessarily want to get back with her I'd just like some answers. Do I try to email her again? Do I just accept it's over and I'll never get answers? Please help.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-13-2014, 01:48 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,278
Default

Hi Relssek, you posted this in the blog section, which is more for journaling, not for feedback so much. PM NYCindie, a mod, and she can move it to the Relationships section.

As for your ex, it sounds like she didn't understand the openness part of poly. People can be so brainwashed in our culture for monogamy, they can't deal with openness, and would rather cheat. Even if they don't have to! Odd but true, we see it here often.

As for what you can do, it sounds like it's over. You used sarcasm in your attempts to communicate.

Quote:
I got one response when I said I really needed someone to talk to with her response being what's wrong to which I replied, I hope your new guy treats you half as well as I did and does he know you cheated on me, I'm sure he'd love to know.
That doesn't exactly encourage her to open up and let you into her heart.

I am sorry things didn't work out. She doesn't seem that interested in being poly, or dating a poly person. She's playing the field until she finds Mr Right, it sounds like.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-13-2014, 02:00 PM
Relssek's Avatar
Relssek Relssek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 17
Default

Thanks Mags for your response. Yes, unfortunately I did use sarcasm in my response only because I was hurting and angry. In hindsight I now see it wasn't the best way to respond. I feel she is gone as well. I just wish honesty wasn't such a hard thing to find. I guess I can chalk this one up as a lesson learned. Thanks again for your reply.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-13-2014, 02:38 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,270
Default

Mind your own business... She wants nothing to do with you.

To be honest you come across as controlling and pushy. You have a wife at home why shouldn't your now ex gf put herself out there. Heck maybe she was just casually dating this guy and did not see him as permanent.

You get to have two partners why can't you gf. If your wife wanted one can she or does she? Or are you a jerk who is just looking for a harem.?

Your ex doesn't owe you a damn thing. Find closure within yourself.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-13-2014, 02:52 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 372
Default

So....ex is allowed to find a guy who will be the husband/father she's seeking, and you'll let her go, but she's not allowed to actually go out and look for him? Was she supposed to tell you before she goes on a dating site? Why should she need to discuss with you her intention to date? Isn't that a given?

I understand your wanting to know if she gets serious with someone, else but honestly, why does she need to clear it with you before she talks to another guy? You're being ridiculous. Let her go find what she's seeking for her life. You're standing in her way.
__________________
Early 40's female, bisexual.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-14-2014, 06:05 AM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 269
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
So....ex is allowed to find a guy who will be the husband/father she's seeking, and you'll let her go, but she's not allowed to actually go out and look for him? Was she supposed to tell you before she goes on a dating site? Why should she need to discuss with you her intention to date? Isn't that a given?

I understand your wanting to know if she gets serious with someone, else but honestly, why does she need to clear it with you before she talks to another guy? You're being ridiculous. Let her go find what she's seeking for her life. You're standing in her way.
If it weren't cheating, why would she deny that anything was happening with the guy? I think both are at fault here.
__________________
Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-14-2014, 08:41 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 444
Default

Hi Relssek,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with finding someone who is as honest as you need them to be about their interactions. I can understand why you are upset about what happened.

I noticed that a similar situation happened in one of your earlier threads - from May last year? You dated a 26 year old who had been talking to someone else behind your back?

In both cases, I noticed that you said you saw or heard of a message from someone, which you then called your former-partners out on? I'll be the first to admit that I have made huge errors in the past in terms of violating my partners' privacy. In all cases, I found things that I didn't want to find. It's a shame that, at times, the only way to discover that someone is betraying you is to have one eye on their phone/email/IMs, etc.

I understand that you are extremely frustrated at not being able to find someone who is 100% honest with you. I struggle with this too. I don't think I've had a single partner who has been as upstanding and honest about absolutely everything. I don't think I've had a partner who is as open with me as I am with them. That is a very difficult situation to be in, I know.

However, for me personally, it has raised a few questions over the years.

I've asked myself the following questions, which I want to share with you for reflection:
- Am I choosing the right partners?
- Am I ignoring early warning signs of dishonesty?
- Am I guilty of being too controlling, possessive, paranoid, jealous, smothering, etc. and contributing to a self-fulfilling prophecy of them hiding things from me due to my own actions?
- Am I expecting too much?
- Am I putting up with a lack of honesty in the beginning, and allowing partners to walk all over me?
- Am I guilty of telling my partner how our relationship will go, rather than entering discourse on what they want out of our relationship?
- Have I asked my partner where they stand on white lies, privacy, sharing everything, etc., and determined whether we have the same ideals?

I'm not saying that this is your fault. Your former partner made a decision to get to know someone else over an extended period of time, and made a decision not to share this information with you. I understand your need for closure, and your need for answers.

I see that you can now understand that your sarcasm, whilst driven by understandable hurt, was not productive. In the future, if someone hurts you and you want to understand (rather than push them away or end the relationship), it is better to give the information time to sink in and then communicate clearly. Clear communication would be "I'm very hurt by this. I'd really like to understand why this happened. We may not have a future now, but I really would like to know the reasons for this."

I'm also curious about one thing. Why was it a mutual agreement that you and Mollie would only be friends when she found someone she could settle down with? Was this her wish? Was she mono before meeting you?

One thing that concerns me is how you have contacted Mollie since what happened. Would you say that you've been aggressive? Relentless, perhaps? You contacted her to tell her that you needed someone to talk to. This was the only time she replied. However, when she did reply, you lashed out. You essentially manipulated her by tugging on her need to be compassionate towards you, then smacked her in the face. That's very curious behaviour, and I'm trying to get you to understand what you hoped to achieve with this, so that you can behave more productively with your future partners.

If you want to contact Mollie one last time (and it really should be the last), I would approach this entirely differently. Regardless of what she did, you are responsible for your own actions and reactions. You get to decide how you treat people, and it's down to you to be the best person you can be. I'd start by apologising for your previous attempts. Be real with her - tell her that you are still hurt by what happened, and that you'd really like to find closure. Tell her that if you were not a good partner to her, you'd really like to hear why. You'd like to hear what pushed her away from you, so that you can learn from it. Respect her wishes and her time - don't grovel, but be respectful. Simply say that you would really appreciate ending things on a peaceful note, and ask her if she's willing to do that. If she's not, or she never replies, let it go. Reflect on your own actions, and find your own closure. You won't find this by blaming her - you have to look at how you may have contributed to the situation.

In terms of the future - you could explain to your next partner that you've been burned in the past by people that have looked for other partners without telling you. You could explain that absolute transparency is very important to you. You could make a specific agreement about what is and isn't ok in your relationship. However, this means listening to your future partner, too. It's not about saying "never lie to me". It's about saying "If you become involved with anyone, I'd really like to hear about that. Not because I want to control you, but because I'm genuinely interested in what's going on in your life. If I'm not aware of a huge chunk of it, we have no intimacy. What are your opinions on this?"

Finally, one book I'd strongly recommend if you are interested in connecting with partners more effectively and communicating well is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This YouTube video is a brilliant introduction, and certainly opened my eyes when I first watched it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, and I hope this helps.
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner

Metamours:
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (26m): GF's submissive/third partner



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-14-2014, 01:49 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 372
Default

Quote:
If it weren't cheating, why would she deny that anything was happening with the guy?
Because it's just talking. He didn't see any proof that she was sleeping with or even had actually met this guy in person. Who's to say that she wouldn't have told the OP if she decided to seriously date or sleep with the guy? I don't see why she should have to tell him "I'm talking to someone online. I might decide to date him." That isn't "cheating." That's exercising her right to get to know other people to possibly date or sleep with in a non-monogamous relationship. I personally would chafe if I had to tell my s.o. every time I flirted, talked to, had a crush on someone else. IMHO the OP should trust his lover to tell him what he needs to know, and not freak out because she's talking to another guy she met online dating.
__________________
Early 40's female, bisexual.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-14-2014, 02:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,881
Default

I am sorry are upset.

I agree with sparklepop.

I also wanted to add this:

Quote:
Before I started dating Mollie (ex) she expressed to me that she would eventually want to settle down with someone and start a family. I was totally ok with her wishes and told her that when the time came and she wanted to find someone permanent to tell me and I would back off without any arguments and that I wished we could still be friends. She agreed.
What is she agreeing to there? Being friends post break up? I am not clear.
  • Maybe you thought she was Closing for now. Tell you before opening again. Be friends post break up.
  • Maybe she thought she was Open all along, just tell you if any turn out serious. Be friends post break up.

Quote:
So after being together nearly two years I come to find that she has been going behind my back and talking to guys on dating sites.
Did you assume she was Closing? Did she promise to Close?

Here it sounds like you do not like finding out she's dating other people. When did she agree to stop dating?

Was that clear in the agreement made?

Quote:
I found this out because she received a message from some guy I didn't know one night she was at my place.
Is she attached to her phone and not PRESENT when on dates with you? That could be annoying. But I don't see an agreement about limiting devices on dates in this post.


Quote:
So, I called said friend and it turns out that they've been talking and exchanging messages for awhile. We got into an argument over it and she stormed out and I haven't heard from her since.
You called the dude to check up on her? Are you able to see how that is crossing lines?

Quote:
I got one response when I said I really needed someone to talk to with her response being what's wrong to which I replied, I hope your new guy treats you half as well as I did and does he know you cheated on me, I'm sure he'd love to know. Because I was upset. I haven't heard anything since.
You call her wanting someone to talk to. And instead of telling her you are hurting and need comforting? Want help sorting out your thoughts?

You dump sarcasm/guilt trip/weird on her head to get digs in? What for? You are surprised she does not want to talk to you after receiving that load?

You were not listening to seek understanding at that time. You were calling to axe grind from the sound of it.

She is the wrong person to be calling. You comfort in, kvetch out. You do not call her to kvetch. You seek outside perspectives to help you before you go in with her to try to sort anything.

I think you could work on your emotional management in a healthier way than going on impulse because you hurt. That might be reason, but it is not excuse.

Quote:
It's killing me not hearing from her because I would like closure as to what the heck was she thinking and what the hell is going on. My question is, what do I do. I still love her and have feelings for her. I don't necessarily want to get back with her I'd just like some answers. Do I try to email her again? Do I just accept it's over and I'll never get answers? Please help.
You do not get closure from other people. You gift it to yourself.

I think however it turns out in this relationship... you might want to think about how you make agreements with people.

Think about having the person repeat BACK to you whatever it is you are making agreements on. And the HOW of it. So you both are on the same page for expectation.

I think saying something like this at the beginning either out loud or in email...
"We both expect me to be dating other people. We both expect our relationships is Open and not Closed. We both expect me to tell you if one is getting serious/permanent and it is time for you to back off. We both expect that heads up to be (in person, over phone, over email). We both expect you to back off without any arguments. We both expect to try to be friends post break up."
...could have prevented some of today's ugh. Right now if you promised her no drama, and you are choosing to behave this way? To me that is drama-isn and a turn off.
  • If you think you crossed wires in agreement making?
  • If you want to reach out to her and let her know you reacted badly and want to apologize for that behavior?
  • If on thinking about it see where misunderstanding in agreement making could have happened, and want own your part of the hooha making?

You could email her and tell her all that. You could choose to apologize for flying off the handle a bit, ask for forgiveness. Express that in future you plan to make better articulated agreements so things like this can be avoided. And then wish her well as promised, agree it is over, and with no further arguments.

I mean all this kindly. I see that you are upset, but I also see places where things could have been improved.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-14-2014 at 02:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-14-2014, 06:34 PM
Relssek's Avatar
Relssek Relssek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 17
Default

Thanks guys for all the constructive criticism/help. I would love to share the details of the whole relationship perhaps that would shed light on a lot of things for everyone who replied to my post. I did go ahead and email her and she showed me her true colors, which I knew were hiding somewhere beneath the surface, and let's just say I'm no longer missing her anymore. Thanks again folks. I love this site.

Last edited by Relssek; 12-14-2014 at 06:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:00 PM.