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  #21  
Old 08-23-2009, 09:48 AM
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Hello everyone, this is Lily. This has been so, so helpful. I reiterate Arpeggi's gratitude.
We were discussing (as we find ourselves doing frequently these days) our options, and thought it would be helpful to post the ones we've thought of and their consequences, to see if anyone had any other ideas, or input toward one of the options.

-We continue as we are, without Dahlia.
We've tried this route for a while now, thinking it would be the least painful in the end, but time has healed nothing. We've realized that it will be extremely hard to find happiness when he doesn't have her in his life.
-Dahlia reenters his life.
My dear Arpeggi refuses to take this route for my sake at the moment. It would bring a smile to his face for a while, for which I would be glad. I would be, as he knows, willing to try this option again at any point. However, try as I might, I don't know if I could handle it any better than last time, and I was really a wreck. With a lot more strength on my part than I can imagine mustering, maybe we could all (though I can't speak for Dahlia) find ourselves happy on this route. I only hope that I can find it with time, but as we found out, "trial by fire" probably isn't the way to find it.
-We all go our seperate ways.
Double the sadness on Arpeggi's part, and personally, I would rather keep trying the last option, no matter how much of a struggle it proves for me, than this one.
-Arpeggi goes with Dahlia, and I leave quietly.
I suggested this in the case that there was a chance that it would be an improvement on the situation we find ourselves in, but we came to the conclusion that it would be just the same.

If there are any other options out there, or anything we've overlooked, please, please let us know. Your understanding hearts have meant more than I could say. Thank you all with all of my thanks,
Lily
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  #22  
Old 08-23-2009, 09:13 PM
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Option 5: Lily & Dahlia sit down and talk, get to know each other etc.
This may help reduce some fears. Yes, it will be very very difficult at first and maybe even for awhile...but if both you ladies want him to be happy and want to try to accept this side of him, then it is really the only way. This would be more than just the awkward hi at some event. This would be sitting down across from each other and showing your cards, and so dealing with them yourself.
This kind of sit down is important in all poly relationships, as the forum members have stated over and over again. You two don't have to be best friends, but get to know each other through the person as opposed to through Arpeggi or others. Maybe you will find that the other lady is not really a threat to you or your relationship and knowing that can help you move on to other problems you may have.
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  #23  
Old 08-23-2009, 10:29 PM
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What Vandalin said. And, Lily, it took alot of courage on your part to come this far and to post here yourself. So don't discount your own strength and ability. Arpeggi is a lucky man to have a woman who loves him enough to try, regardless of the eventual outcome.
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  #24  
Old 08-24-2009, 04:36 AM
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Lily, you are a very articulate and a woman that really thinks and pushes her self. I love your list and the thought the two of you put into breaking it all down and getting to the crux of the situation. Good for you for being such awesome communicators! I am really impressed as this is a very hard situation and all the more hard to communicate!

I am with Vandalin on this one too. I really think that you would be best served by spending some time together and getting to know each other. I think it would be best to arrive and leave separately (all three of you) as that would make all three of you equal. Not to mention I think Arpeggi should do his best to sit quietly and perhaps add comments here and there after the two of you talk for a while. I think refraining from touching either of you might be helpful, or at least if he touches one of you he should touch the other also... the more balance and separateness the better so as to make all of you feel as comfortable as possible.
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  #25  
Old 08-24-2009, 07:36 PM
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Thank you all so, so much (this is Lily again).

If we were to go that route, I think you are all right, meeting her would help greatly. I would very much like to, and the last time we tried this, I did too, but she felt uncomfortable with it for most of the while, and I didn't want to push it. However, after much, much discussion, we came to the conclusion that we thought that route may not be the best here, even if we did get to know each other.
First of all, Dahlia does not feel she could ever be happy in a poly relationship. Though I'm not sure that I can be either, I very much hope that I can and will continue trying. Secondly, she is hours away at college, which would make it very difficult for her to get together with Arpeggi, let alone spend time with me to get to know each other. We eventually decided that he will call her up every so often to find out how she's doing, let her know he loves her, etc., but not quite start up the relationship that was there before. We dearly hope that this contact will ease his pain, and that with time, your help, and some self-discovery on my part, we can mend the differences between our ideals. If this doesn't work, we'll have to find a different path. One can only hope that it doesn't diverge in two, but with effort, communication, and your help, hopefully we'll know what is best for us, whatever it may be.
Much love and appreciation,
Lily
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  #26  
Old 08-24-2009, 08:24 PM
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Yay! Progress! Sounds like you have a plan. Good for you.

Hey, the quote at the bottom, "hit the bottom and escape..." Radiohead?
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  #27  
Old 08-24-2009, 09:23 PM
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Yes'm, also where I got this name. Big Radiohead fan.

-arp
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  #28  
Old 08-25-2009, 01:11 AM
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Good for you both. I'm sorry Dahlia can't be a full part of this, but some people just can't. I wish you the best in this journey you are taking together.
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  #29  
Old 08-25-2009, 06:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arpeggi View Post
Yes'm, also where I got this name. Big Radiohead fan.

-arp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3DrL8pwu1k

So am I!!!
"Weird fishes" was the song I listened to while sitting at the ocean last summer pining for a love I knew was out there. It made me want to dive in and sink to the bottom amongst the bull kelp and seals...I wandered the shore and wet rain forest listening to that and was literally in pain from wanting to be with a lover I didn't know yet.... little did I know that my love was a mere few blocks away going through the process of having to leave his house and family. Staying in his vehicle, looking for a place to live, in as much pain as I for different reasons... I truly believe that my pain was my response to his. A man I had yet to meet.

I explained that song once as a painful heart beat that almost kills me each hit of the drum, yet the guitar keeps me going and my heart soothed... until the refrain and then I am barely able to breath from the pain of it almost. Then it becomes more intense as it builds up again...

By the new year I was lieing in the arms of my ever loved Mono... completely a swoon and so content and fulfilled. This came on his playlist and I realized I had found the one that I had pined and longed for. I cried long and hard and have held him so tight over that song. We listen to it together regularly and I fall in love over and over again. Music is a big part of our relationship.

I'm listening to it now and doing so again *tear*
With my husband it was and is "Iris" Googoo Dolls... that was a long time ago, but i remember the feeling very well and still swoon
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  #30  
Old 08-25-2009, 06:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3DrL8pwu1k

By the new year I was lieing in the arms of my ever loved Mono... completely a swoon and so content and fulfilled. This came on his playlist and I realized I had found the one that I had pined and longed for. I cried long and hard and have held him so tight over that song. We listen to it together regularly and I fall in love over and over again. Music is a big part of our relationship.

I'm listening to it now and doing so again *tear*
Sometimes it hits me just how much I mean to you, Lilo. You fulfill me too.
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